The Foundation for a Happy Family
"All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy
family is unhappy in its own way" Leo Tolstoy: Anna Karenina
How do happy families resemble one another? What are the
characteristics they have in common? A number of years ago, a
current affairs program covered the 40th anniversary of a
special couple. Organising the celebrations were their sixteen
children. The couple re-enacted their bridal waltz, to the
tearful applause of their large brood. They had brought up a
close-knit, loving family, not without a great deal of sacrifice
and hard work. Yet perhaps their greatest achievement of all,
was remaining close and affectionate to one another. Their
children were justifiably proud of their wonderful parents. The
number one characteristic of a happy family is a loving
relationship between parents. It is consistently proven through
research that parental conflict and hostility causes children to
experience distress and disturbance. Yet today, when our busy
lives often leave us stressed and exhausted, parental
relationships are usually the first to suffer. Research has also
shown that marital satisfaction suffers a decline after the
birth of children. The adjustment to motherhood is a huge one
for women, leaving us tired, emotionally drained, and sometimes
resentful. Fathers can feel the pressure of added financial
responsibility, and a loss of intimacy with their exhausted
wife. Unfortunately many bad habits can creep into a
relationship at this time. Let's never forget the fact that
parents are the glue that holds the family together. When we
become unstuck, so does the family! Never before has it been so
important to work at our relationships. As mothers, we are so
concerned to give our children the best possible care we can.
Yet we forget that the greatest gift we can give our children,
is to love their father. And the greatest gift a father can give
his children, is to love their mother.
While our children are growing up, they naturally absorb much of
our time and energy. So much so, that the most important
relationship in the family gets overlooked. Yet one day our
children will grow up and leave the family home, so it is
vitally important that we keep a focus on our partner, because
one day they are the only ones we will see! Recently a family
comedy show highlighted in hilarious fashion the fact that
parents so often treat complete strangers or acquaintances with
far more consideration than they do each other. We are so "nice"
to other people, then short tempered, critical and rude to one
another in similar situations. In other words, we treat the ones
who we love and value the most, with the least consideration.
Its time to take an honest look at the way we treat our closest
relative on earth. If there is room for improvement, don't waste
another day before instigating a change. Remember that when we
really want things to change, the first place to start is with
ourselves. Start by asking yourself this question, "how would I
like to be married to me?" This will very often shed light on
things we can change for the better. Look at your words and the
way you say them. Replace criticisms with words of encouragement
and appreciation on a daily basis. Use endearing names even if
they sound silly. (Studies have shown long-lasting relationships
are often characterised by spouses using affectionate
nick-names!) Next, be more outwardly affectionate. Don't part
company without a kiss and an "I love you". Remind yourself to
say "I love you" at least once every day. At dinner time, or
when the family is gathered together, tell the children how much
you love daddy (and watch their delighted expressions!). Make
time for one another, either by going out on regular dates, or
having a candle-lit dinner together after the children's bedtime
on a regular basis. My husband and I will soon celebrate our
29th wedding anniversary. Never before have I loved and
appreciated my husband like I love him now. Yet there have been
times when we have argued, fumed, sulked, and just plain not
liked each other. That is part and parcel of a normal
relationship. But it is our determination to work through the
problems, and weather the storms, that makes what we have now
even more precious. When you work at your relationship, you are
laying the foundation for a happy family life, where your
children will experience security, contentment, and the
priceless gift of parental love. Many people philosophise on
what measures true success. For me, an example of true success
was the couple dancing together after forty years of marriage
and sixteen children, still very much in love.
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