What to Do When Your Child is Stealing
What to Do When Your Child is Stealing
By Anthony Kane, MD
Introduction: My Child, the Thief
One of the more common problems that we as parents encounter,
but that nobody likes to talk about, is what to do when your
child steals. There are a number of different reasons a child
steals and a number of different ways to handle the problem.
Young children do not steal. Children below the age of four or
five do not have a concept of ownership. They do not understand
that it is wrong to take things that belong to others.
By the time a child enters elementary school, he should know
that stealing is wrong. Often children at this age take things
because they lack self-control.
A preteen or teen may steal for the thrill of it or because that
is what friends are doing. He may be trying to gain a feeling of
control over his life or to fill an emotional void.
Whatever the reason a child is stealing, the parents need to
approach the problem with wisdom. If the parents just react
according to their natural inclination, their response will
almost certainly be wrong and destructive.
Why a Child Steals
1-Child Can't Control Himself
Younger children have difficulty with self-control. A child may
take something although he knows that stealing is wrong simply
because he can't help himself. You have to give your child the
ability to get what he wants in an honest way. Also, you must
try to minimize the temptation.
2-Child's Basic Needs are Not Being Met
Children are completely dependent on their parents for all of
their needs. A child who feels that his needs are not being met
will eventually take the matter into his own hands. The easiest
way for a child to do this is to take what he needs.
What a person needs is subjective. Even though a parent may not
feel that a child should have something, it might be a real need
for the child. For example, if the child's school friends have
pocket money, then your child could have a need for pocket
money. He will feel a lack if he doesn't have it, even if you
provide him with everything that he wants. This type of child
may be tempted to steal money just so he has money like
everybody else.
3-Child Needs More Attention
Probably the most common reason that children steal is that they
feel an emotional lack in their lives. A child who does not have
his emotional needs met, feels empty inside. He may take things
in an attempt to fill the void. Often children who steal are
lonely or having trouble in school or with friends. They lack
the tools or the opportunity to express their feelings.
Many children do not get the attention they need. Such a child
may feel unloved or that the parents are not interested in him.
This may or may not be true. As I explain in How to
Improve Your Child's Behavior, how your child perceives your
attention is more important than the amount of attention that
you give. These children may translate their emotional needs
into material desires. Stealing is their way for these children
to express their discontent and to seek gratification.
4-Child Needs to Have Control Over His Life
Children are acutely aware of their vulnerability. They lack
control over their lives. Some children have difficulty with
this. If the child has trouble feeling dependant, he may steal
to gain a sense of control or to rebel.
5-Peer Pressure
Older children are pulled after what their friends do. If the
child is with a group of children that feel stealing is
exciting, the child may steal to be part of the group.
Sometimes, a child may steal to show bravery to friends. If your
child has fallen into a group of bad friends there are some very
concrete things you can do to address the problem. See the
article What
to Do When Your Teen Chooses Bad Friends.
What to Do When You Suspect Your Child is Stealing
1-Stay Calm
Don't overreact. When a child steals it does not mean that he is
a thief or is headed for a life of crime. It is really no
different than any of mistake that your child makes.
2-Do not Take it Personally
Children steal to get attention. If your child is stealing from
you and you take it as a personal attack you are reinforcing the
reason the child stole.
3-Do Not Accuse or Confront Your Child
This point must be stressed. You must catch your child in the
act so that the situation speaks for itself.
You can never challenge your child with circumstantial evidence.
Either the child will lie and you will reinforce his dishonesty
or he will confess. If he tells the truth and you punish him,
you will be teaching him that it pays to lie. Either way you are
stuck. Circumstantial evidence won't do.
Hearing that your child stole from a third party won't do. If
your child denies it, then you are forced to believe your child.
If you don't, then you will show your child that you don't trust
him. Nothing encourages a child to be dishonest more that
knowing that his parents don't trust him. If the child
confesses, you will not be able to punish him.
Even if you are 99% sure your child is stealing that is not good
enough to accuse him. For example, say that you look in your
purse and the brand new $50 you took out from the bank yesterday
is missing. You put your child's laundry away and you find
hidden among his things your brand new $50. You did not catch
your child. Maybe someone else also lost a new $50 bill and he
found it. Maybe your $50 fell out of your purse and your child
found it on the street. Unless you see your child reach into
your purse and take out the $50 you did not see him steal.
4-Make Sure that Your Child Knows What He Did is Wrong
This is particularly true of a younger child.
What to Do When You Catch Your Child
Don't ask the child for explanations. Merely state that he is
not allowed to take things from other people. Do not sermonize.
Just use simple explanations.
"Stealing is wrong. You would not want anyone to take your toy.
So it's wrong for you to take this toy."
Never imply that your child is bad. Stealing is bad, not the
child. Do not call your child a thief, dishonest, or a liar or
any other name that you do not want him to become. When you give
your child a label, he will grow to fill that label.
Correcting the Wrong
If Your Child Stole From Someone Outside the Family
Your child must make restitution. If your child stole from a
store or from a neighbor, then see that he returns the object.
Have your child apologize and say he or she will never do it
again. You should accompany your child to make it easier for him
to correct the damage.
If Your Child Stole Money from You
Estimate what child took and make it clear that the child must
pay you back. He may do this by helping around the house for
money. You should pay him enough that he pays off his debt in
about a month. Say to him that you realize he needs more money
and give him an allowance or increase in allowance.
Hide Temptation
Don't leave money around where the child can find it. Tell his
siblings that you are going to watch their money for a while.
Don't tell them why. Don't send this child to the store to buy
something with a large bill where there will be a lot of change.
Putting the Incident into the Past
Figure Out Why Your Child Stole
If he needs more attention make a special effort to give it too
him. If he needs to feel more control over his life, give him an
increase in allowance and more freedom to spend it as he wishes.
If he needs certain things to be part of his peer group, make
sure that he gets them.
Continue to Trust Your Child
If your child is stealing it does not mean he is bad or he is a
thief. You don't want your reaction to make him become that way.
Your child will fulfill your expectations of him. If you view
him as a thief, bad, or dishonest he will grow into that label.
Be a Model of Honesty
Children learn by watching their parents. You should show
concern about the property rights of others. A parent who brings
office supplies home or boasts about a mistake at the
supermarket checkout counter, teaches his child that honesty is
not important.
Conclusion
Stealing is a common problem. You should view it like any other
mistake your child makes. It is something that has to be
corrected, but it is not more than that. If you handle it
properly, you can correct this problem quickly and easily.
If you want more information on ways that you can teach even the
most difficult child to obey you, please see our Child Behavior
Program at http://addadhdadvances.com/child-behavior.html
Anthony Kane, MD ADD ADHD Advances http://addadhdadvances.com