The Seven Keys to Child Obedience
The Seven Keys to Child Obedience
by Anthony Kane, MD
Learning obedience is an important part of child development.
This is the tool that allows you as parents to train your child.
Through obedience your child will learn self-control and develop
other positive character traits that he will need as an adult.
However, obedience cannot be forced upon the child. Parents who
simply command their children will foster resentment, which will
eventually lead to rebellion. In fact, some researchers feel
that poor parenting techniques contribute to the development of
oppositional defiant disorder in some children. Although you can
punish a child for not obeying, this will not foster any
long-term obedience. When the child reaches his teen years and
becomes more independent, punishment will only serve to destroy
the already faltering parent child relationship.
Our goal then is not to force our children to obey us, but to
get them to want to obey us. This willingness to obey will only
come about if the parent's commands are based upon seven
principles.
1-Loving Concern for the Child
A child knows quickly whether a parent's demands are for the
sake of the child or for the personal convenience of the parent.
If the parent's primary motive for giving orders is to make his
own life easier, then the child learns to place his own
interests first, also. If you want to be successful in raising
your child, then your reason for giving orders must be for the
benefit of your child. When your child senses that your demands
are for his sake, he will much more readily obey you. He knows
that it is for his own good. He will know that any demands made
of him, no matter how unpleasant, come from a genuine concern
for his welfare.
2-Sincere Respect for the Child
Parents must respect their children. This is a concept that is
not well practiced by our society. Western society focuses on
possessions. Somehow in the back of many parents' minds their
children are counted among those possessions. We must remember
that our children are not objects, but people. As people, they
are deserving of respect. We must remember to give respect to
our child to the same degree we would like others to respect us.
3-Patience
Very often our children do things that bother us. This is
usually unintentional on their part and is just a reflection of
their immaturity. However, if we show our children that we are
annoyed they will begin to resent us. This resentment feeds
their desire to rebel against our wishes. One of our goals as
parents must be to try to keep our negative emotions in check.
4-Speak Softly
Nothing gains a child's cooperation more than a gentle tone of
voice. Speaking softly helps us to control our negative
emotions, especially anger. A soft voice soothes and is more
likely to be met with cooperation. It creates a relaxed
atmosphere and is reassuring to children.
When we speak in a soft voice it also conveys strength. We show
our children that we are in control of the situation and not
merely reacting to it. If the only step you take is to control
the volume of your voice, particularly in stressful situations,
that alone will foster better child compliance. You will find
that everything around you goes more smoothly.
5-Make Moderate Demands
No one likes having demands placed upon him. Children are no
different. Yet we are constantly commanding our children. We
feel that as parents we must take steps to correct every
misdemeanor that we see. When the orders become excessive or
arbitrary the parent becomes more like a dictator that an
educator. If you place a lot of obligations on your child, then
your child is going to resent and resist your authority. One of
the most important steps in getting your child to listen to you
is to reduce the amount of demands that you place upon him. This
will require you to stay calm and overlook a lot of childish
behavior. Commands should be made thoughtfully and be within
reasonable limits. The general rule is that if a certain
behavior is not something your child will be doing as an adult
and if it is not dangerous, then you should not make it a
priority to correct.
6-Follow Through
Even if you do all that has been mentioned so far, you will
still need to give your child orders. When you do so, you must
be firm and make sure that your child obeys. If you give your
child an instruction you must insist that he fulfill it. Often
it will be easier or more convenient to just overlook
disobedience. This is the end will erode your authority as a
parent.
You should only make moderate and well thought out demands on
your child. However, when you do make those orders your child
must fulfill them. If we want our children to take our words
seriously, then we must show them that we are serious.
7-Be Free with ‘Yes', but not with ‘No'
We must try to grant every reasonable request our children make
of us. They should feel that we are giving to them freely and in
overflowing abundance at all times. You should make it a rule to
give your child whatever he wants unless you have a good reason
not to do so.
In addition, we should try to temper our use of ‘no'. Try
not to avoid saying ‘no' whenever possible. For example,
if your child wants to have a treat before dinner and you want
him to eat first, rather than say ‘no' or ‘not now'
say, ‘yes, after dinner.' This small change in the way you
use the words ‘yes' and ‘no' will change your
child's perception from the feeling that most of his desires are
being denied to that most of them are being granted.
Conclusion
It is natural for a child to want to obey his parents. It is
also necessary for his proper growth and development. Applying
these seven keys will help you to make it easier for your child
to obey you. If you want to see how you are doing as a parent,
see our Parenting Quiz at
http://addadhdadvances.com/parentquiz.html . If you want more
information on ways that you can teach even the most difficult
child to obey you, please see our Child Behavior Program at
http://addadhdadvances.com/child-behavior.html
Anthony Kane, MD ADD ADHD Advances http://addadhdadvances.com