NO LOVE LOST BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR ROOMMATE?
Don't be dismayed if you find yourself in conflict with your
roommate(s). Disagreements between people are inevitable,
especially in a roommate situation where people live together
and interact on a daily basis. Conflicts usually occur when
changes are needed and when behaviors, thoughts and feelings
need to be re-examined. Don't be afraid to confront your
roommates about what is bothering you. If you know how to deal
with conflict positively and productively, all involved can
benefit from the situation.
Ten Steps In Resolving Conflict
Get everyone together involved in the conflict.
Each roommate should take a turn describing his/her perception
of the situation, how he or she feels about it and what he/she
wants.
Together, come to an agreement on what the conflict is.
Everyone should agree to be willing to compromise something to
come up with a solution.
Together, describe a situation which would be a compromise among
yourselves.
Come to an agreement on the described situation. Talk about what
changes will be needed to bring about the acceptable situation.
Together, make a plan of action which will help achieve the
desired new situation and set a time frame for these changes.
Make a commitment to make the necessary changes.
Set a future date to evaluate the situation and to re-negotiate
any differences if necessary.
These steps sound very simple but to make them work you need to
know how to fight fair. The key to successful dispute resolution
is effective communication. To resolve conflict, communicate
with each other on a one-to-one equal basis and avoid behavior
that will break down communication.
Ground Rules Of Successful Dispute Resolution
Start right. Set a time to discuss the conflict that is
convenient to everyone involved. Avoid bringing up the problem
when your roommate is walking out the door on the way to a
mid-term exam. A better approach would be, "We need to talk
about what is going on. When do you have time to work this out?"
Schedule enough time so you will be able to prevent time
pressure.
Remember that everyone involved is an equal and should have
equal rights to be heard in the discussion. To create a sense of
equality, you may wish to meet at a neutral place. It may help
to have everyone sit on the floor or at a table (all at the same
level).
Set aside your desire to "Win." Winning an argument is not the
same as succeeding in conflict resolution where, together with
your roommates, you will all win over the conflict situation.
Each roommate should be able to talk freely about how he/she
feels. Make sure that each person's ideas and feelings are clear
to everyone involved. Be willing to share your feelings honestly
and don't expect others to know how you feel without being told.
Assume each other's perspective. Ask your roommate to reverse
positions, i.e., to stand in your shoes while you stand in
theirs. This can sometimes be the most effective way of getting
your point across and, contrariwise, understanding where your
roommate is coming from.
Avoid blaming each other. Assessing blame often has the effect
of making the other party defensive and anxious to find fault
with you, widening instead of narrowing the conflict.
Talk about actions which can be changed rather than
personalities. "You leave your books on the dining room table,"
can lead to a change of habit; while, "You're a lazy slob," will
only lead to defensiveness and hostility. Personal attacks
destroy communication of productive ideas.
Don't team up with one roommate against another. This creates
defensiveness in the third roommate. You are all working
together for a solution.
Don't psycho-analyze your roommate. Avoid a statement such as
"Maybe you don't realize this about yourself, but...." Most
people don't like the feeling of being analyzed. Instead, take
responsibility for your own feelings. A better approach might
be, "What you're doing makes me feel...." If your roommates
begin fighting unfairly, take responsibility for getting things
back on the right track. You don't have to let a confrontation
go from bad to worse. Help set and maintain the positive tone of
the discussion by your example.
Don't put your roommates on the spot by insisting on an
immediate response to your demands. If possible, give each other
time (at least overnight) to think over a specific demand or
suggested cause of action.