THE TALKING STICK--A man's promise to give undivided attention!
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SUBJECT: Relationships, Family, & Communication
WORD COUNT: 890 including bylines
Have you ever heard of a Talking Stick? I hadn't until two days
ago when my husband presented me with one! "Okay..." I thought,
"Is this supposed to be some joke about me talking too much or
what?" But then he continued his presentation saying, "Honey, I
know that sometimes you think I'm not listening to you. I have
to admit, sometimes you're right. But you are the love of my
life, and even when I'm distracted, I always want you to be my
first priority. That's why I made this for you...I give you this
Talking Stick as a symbol of my commitment to always put you
first, no matter what. If there's ever a time when you don't
think I'm paying attention to you, or if you think I'm ignoring
something important...just pick up this Talking Stick. I promise
to listen, without interruption, while you tell me what's on
your mind." Wow! What woman wouldn't love that? A promise of
undivided attention any time we want it! Does this man realize
what he has just done?
I came to discover that the Talking Stick has been used for
centuries by many American Indian tribes as a means of just and
impartial hearing. The stick was commonly used in council
circles to designate who had the right to speak. Whoever holds
the Talking Stick within his hands has the power of words. When
matters of great concern came before the council, the leading
elder would hold the stick and begin the discussion. When he
finished what he had to say he would hold out the stick, and
whoever wished to speak after him would take it. In this manner
the stick was passed from one individual to another until anyone
who wished to speak had done so. The stick was then passed back
to the leading elder for safekeeping. It carries respect for
free speech and assures the speaker that he has the freedom and
power to say what is in his heart without fear of reprisal or
humiliation.
So how does this Talking Stick effect our relationships? A major
difference between vibrant marriages and those that end in
divorce is the way the couples communicate...the way they handle
disagreements and hurts. In healthy marriages, disagreements are
handled as they occur by discussing the situation until both
partners are satisfied with the result or some compromise has
been agreed upon. Nothing kills a relationship and romance like
"mud-slinging" screaming matches or attempts to punish with the
"silent treatment." This is where the Talking Stick really works
its magic! I know of at least one marriage counselor who uses
the Talking Stick as part of her marriage therapy techniques.
But also imagine what positive effects this form of
communication could have on family relations as well! Take my
family for example: I have three children, ages 2, 5, & 14. The
teenager is convinced that NO ONE listens to him, the toddler
MAKES SURE that everyone listens to her, and the 5-year-old
desperately tries to have his views heard above the other two!
It's quite the circus some days! Now that we have the Talking
Stick, EVERYONE will be heard. And hopefully all family members
will begin to feel like their opinions are being heard and
really do count. I think it will be a great family communication
tool.
Please visit http://www.acaciart.com/stories/archive6.html if
you'd like to read more about the history of the Talking Stick
and some of the symbolism behind the items used in making one.
There is also a picture of what one might look like.
By now, you may be inspired to make your own Talking Stick for
your family. Go for it! Be creative! My husband used ideas from
the article above and added different types of beads to
symbolize each family member and some other personal symbolism
that only our family would appreciate. He also typed out a
"story" explaining the history of the stick and included the
meanings of all the symbolism he used to create it. One of my
favorite parts is, "The fork in the stick represents
disagreement which is natural between different members of any
tribe. The fork is short and ends sharply to remind us that a
solution to all conflict is possible and need not end in a
lonely journey for any member of the tribe." The main idea is
that it is made with love and out of respect for the family
unit.
We have our stick hung in a prominent area of our house for all
guests to see and the "story" is framed beside it. Quite a
conversation piece!
As for my husband...I'd have to say that he really outdid
himself on this project. I never would have believed that
receiving a STICK could mean so much. I'd like to share with you
the final sentences from his story, "The Talking Stick is given
from the loving heart of the tribe leader. This token of love is
so that every tribal member remains together until the sun sets
for the last time on our day. The love of an eagles flight,
Chief Phillip!"