What's Troubling Your Teenager? - Peeling Back the Onion Layers
Onion layers are a good analogy for problem solving. Like
onions, problems can have multiple layers, and if you do not dig
deeply enough, you may end up not solving the real problem.
A good way to indicate whether or not you have "peeled back"
enough layers is to see how you "feel" during the problem
solving process. At times it will seem like you have discovered
the proper solution, but something just doesn't "feel right"
about it. At that point, it is advisable to trust your instincts
and discuss the problem with someone.
I have often said myself, "You know, everything seems right, but
it just doesn't feel right." You may not even be able to
articulate why at the time. Usually, as you discuss it, while
reviewing the available information; and running through the
questions you asked to get to that point; something will trigger
a new idea or thought. Then bingo, the light comes on and you
can "feel" that you have the right solution.
Discuss this concept with your teenager. The point is, even if
the current information seems to point to a correct solution, if
it doesn't feel right, continue seeking the right solution until
it does feels right. This is a good time to observe your teen's
body language.
What to do Even if she cannot articulate that something is
missing or not right, her body language will indicate it. They
say, "The eyes are the window to the soul." Check your
teenager's eyes, as they will be a strong indicator of where she
is "emotionally" during your problem solving session. She may be
saying the right things but her eyes may be communicating a
totally different message.
A good way to handle this is to say something like, "You know, I
hear what you are saying, but there seems to be something else
on your mind. Why don't you tell me about it?" If she says she
isn't sure, start asking her questions that will help her to
visualize and evaluate her feelings. For example you can ask,
"Okay, what are you feeling? Try to describe it. Or, "What comes
to mind when you are feeling this way?" "Does a particular
person come to mind?" "Is there anything giving you cause for
concern?"
Ensure that the questions are open-ended. They should allow your
teenager to think about issues that: 1. May not be at a
conscious level or 2. Is something that she is not willing to
face just yet.
"Peeling back the onion layers" will help you to get to the
bottom of what is troubling your teenager. With your help, she
will be able to talk about her thought process, visualize it,
and then tie these pieces of information together so things
become clear. This approach will help you focus on helping your
teens to evaluate their feeling and become better problem
solvers.
You can then begin discussing a better solution to her "real"
problem.
Copyright 2004 by V. Michael Santoro and Jennifer S. Santoro,
All Rights Reserved.
This article is an excerpt from the book "Realizing the Power of
Love," How a father and teenage daughter became best
friends...and how you can too! By V. Michael Santoro, M. Ed and
Jennifer S. Santoro. For more information visit their Web site
at http://www.dads-daughters.com