"Extramarital Affair: Should You Get A Divorce Just Because One
Of You Had An Extramarital Affair?"
Having to deal with an extramarital affair can be a
life-changing event, regardless of whether you stay married or
not. Inescapable feelings can come over both people that will
never be forgotten by either of them. The person who actually
had the extramarital affair can have feelings of guilt,
loneliness, confusion and misdirection along with many other
feelings. The 'partner' who did not have the extramarital affair
can have these feelings as well, but the lack of confidence that
can come as a result of the other person having an extramarital
affair can be one of the toughest parts to deal with.
The feelings that come as a result of one or both parties having
an extramarital affair are natural but can also be extensions of
something much deeper. Of course, if someone has an extramarital
affair, both people in that marriage will have feelings that
will be "surface level" only at first. Arguments can occur,
denial may set in, and/or tempers can flare due to the
extramarital affair. While these things are only natural and to
be expected, if your going to actually survive an extramarital
affair, you must look at the deeper issues and get down to the
real cause of the affair and what to do about it.
People in marriages don't often look at having extramarital
affairs lightly, and they realize most times what affects their
actions will have on their marriage. If someone has an
extramarital affair and doesn't think that it will have an
affect on their marriage, surely they are either in denial or
their definition of marriage leans strongly towards the "open"
side. For the rest of the married crowd who don't subscribe to
an "open" marriage and who have to deal with an extramarital
affair, things can get a bit more complex.
Complexity can be interesting no doubt, but it can also add to
the confusion of someone having an extramarital affair,
especially if the couple or one party in that couple wants to
look deeper at the situation and figure out two very important
things:
1. Why did the extramarital affair happen?
2. Does the fact that there was an extramarital affair in the
marriage really warrant getting a divorce when both people agree
upon the reason that the extramarital affair happened in the
first place?
If the couple really wants to save their marriage in spite of
the extramarital affair, then finding out why the extramarital
affair happened and agreeing on that reason is the first step in
the healing process. If you are currently trying to save your
marriage and one of you had an extramarital affair, try to limit
your pain that you feel and talk things out with your spouse so
you can clearly define and agree upon exactly why the
extramarital affair took place. If you cannot do this, chances
are you will never get over the extramarital affair and your
marriage most likely won't survive...or at least you won't have
a healthy marriage after the extramarital affair.
After you have defined and agreed upon the reason that the
extramarital affair took place, you must decide whether that
reasons (or reasons) warrant actually going through a painful
divorce. At this point you have 2 choices...either decide in
your own or decide with your spouse. The latter is optimal for a
variety of reasons but the main reason is that you may actually
save your marriage if you decide together. Deciding together
whether the real reason an extramarital affair took place
indicates that you're both really reaching out for something,
something you most likely didn't have prior to the extramarital
affair...togetherness.
So, should you get a divorce just because one of you had an
extramarital affair? No, not necessarily. Depending on how
collaborative you can be with your spouse, how 'detective-like'
you can act, and how much soul searching you can do, you may
just become stronger together because of an extramarital affair.
It may sound odd, but that's the truth. Of course, it is
entirely possible (and probable) that if you both don't define
and agree on why the extramarital affair took place and work to
address that reason or reasons, your marriage won't ever be
healthy again and you'll never be able to healthily survive the
extramarital affair.