What the Matter Is
When my oldest boy was really young, he tickled my mother with
that phrase. I would ask him, "What's the matter?" and he would
answer me, "Well, what the matter is..." followed by whatever it
was that he needed to discuss with me. He would say it with that
very serious face that children get when they are expecting to
be taken very seriously. We all loved the cute way he prefaced
his concerns.
I overheard my daughter talking to my two year old the other day
and it caused me to remember those days long ago when her older
brother used to talk about 'what the matter is.' At thirteen,
Sissy is a natural healer and nurturer. She hovers over her baby
brother kissing all of his owies and making sure that life is
gentle and kind to him. We have many debates over just how much
mothering is smothering, but that's another topic for another
day. What caught my attention that day was that while our little
Buddha Napoleon was whining and grumbling in his two year old
lingo, she was continually asking him, "What's wrong?" She
repeatedly asked it in the most loving and dear voice. "What's
wrong?" You could definitely tell that she was genuinely
concerned and wanted to know what was bothering him and how
could she help. "What's wrong?" Over and over she asked him,
"What's wrong?" as he babbled incoherently at her about
something that was obviously 'wrong' in his world.
I found myself getting really annoyed. But why? I began thinking
about why that question repeated in such a sugar coated voice
was bothering me so deeply. Then it hit me. This is the core of
where we learn to think that something is wrong with our lives.
It's that question asked of us since the cradle. "What's wrong?"
That gets us thinking that something is actually wrong.
I told her to shift her question to "What's the matter?" I told
her that it means the same as "What's the topic?" She could also
say, "Tell me why you are upset." Or ask him "Why are you
crying?" She could also ask him, "How can I help?" Make the
conversation about the topic or event without actually assuming
that something in life must be 'wrong'. Just because we are
upset or frustrated doesn't mean that life is wrong.
Asking someone, "What's wrong?" immediately puts them into the
mind frame of describing what is wrong with their circumstances.
They focus only on the negative and not on problem solving or
solutions. They aren't focused on their own role in creating the
situation. By asking someone, "What's wrong?" we are doing them
a disservice. We are sending them down the wrong path. The goal
should be to guide them towards finding peace within the moment,
towards finding solutions, towards self esteem and other things
that help them move through the difficult times in their life.
Funny thing words, such power can come from a small shift in
vocabulary. My personal favorite is to ask, "So tell me, what do
you need?" Another favorite is, "So, what do you want to do
about it?" This immediately puts them into a place of looking at
a future where the negative circumstances is no longer perceived
as such. What skills and tools would help them to overcome their
problem? These types of questions also open up the door so that
I can also propose that they might need to make a shift in
attitude towards the problem or person bothering them. From that
point, we can begin to take inventory of what skills and tools
they already posses. We can begin looking at how to implement
the changes they want to see. We can also begin brainstorming
for ways to manifest whatever skills or tools they might need to
acquire. It's a very solution oriented question. Quite often, I
don't end up doing much of anything to actually fix their
problem. Mostly, I just pose the right questions to get their
minds moving in a different direction other than being angry or
hurt by their experiences. If they really need my help, then
naturally I roll up my sleeves and pitch in, but rarely do they
need anything more than a different attitude and approach to
life's ups and downs.
This change in how we can show our care and compassion towards
others applies to everyone regardless of age. Try it the next
time a coworker is grumbling about the boss. Ask them, "Well,
what do you think we should do to start making changes around
here?" The next time your teenager starts sniveling about how
unfair life is, ask them, "How do you propose we make it more
fair for everyone involved and not just you?" When you find your
spouse looking like they're close to tears, ask "How can I help
you to feel better?" These types of questions get the person
looking forward towards a time when they might not be miserable
anymore.
With little kids especially, it would really help to use these
kinds of questions to mold their original understandings about
problem solving. It's better to get them used to looking towards
creating a life they find joyful rather than towards finding
fault with the world. We cannot just fix everything for them,
and we cannot teach them to whine and complain. We have to teach
them that it is possible to turn adversity into opportunity. We
really owe it to our children to teach them how to open up and
ask for help when they are overwhelmed. At the same time, we
have to make sure they know they will be solving their own
problems. It's never too soon to teach our children how to take
responsibility for what kind of experiences they are having.
Help them when the really need it, but most of the time they
just need to be reminded that they're perfectly capable of
fixing it themselves.
Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge