Two-Year Olds: The Original Freedom Fighters
We call him the Buddha Napoleon. Anyone who's ever lived with a
two year old knows exactly what I'm talking about. He's this
amazing blend of cosmic beauty, love, and peace while
simultaneously making it crystal clear that he's the grand
dictator of the known universe. His little size never deters him
from anything he sets his mind to. I'd forgotten so much since
raising my first two children. The ten and twelve year age
difference allows for that. Lucky for the Buddha Napoleon, I've
had practice and am therefore a lot more knowledgeable and
patient this time around.
I believe this is probably the most important year for his
social development. During the first year of a baby's life,
we're supposed to set a solid foundation of love and trust. That
first year puts in place a basic belief that the world is a
wonderful place full of love and light, or it's not. The second
year, we teach them to believe in themselves. Get up and walk,
learn to speak, learn to manipulate toys, learn that ever
important can-do attitude. After the second birthday, it's all
about personal power and boundaries. How do we get what we want
from others? How do we stay out of trouble? Why do all of these
stupid rules exist anyway? Do I have a right to tell you "No"
since you say it to me all of the time? What are the
consequences if I give in all of the time? And if I don't give
in, then what? Am I in charge of my life or are you? I think
it's a miniature version of the same dynamics we go through with
our teenagers. They're just revisiting these same questions from
a taller and more hormonal perspective. Handle the two year old
stage well, and I think you'll find the teenage years aren't
nearly so difficult.
Remember back to when you were thirteen... did your folks answer
your questions with, "Because I said so" or did they actually
give you real reasons for their decisions? Which had a bigger
impact on your ability to honor and respect their view point?
It's no different with two year olds. Find the vocabulary that
they understand and explain to them why they can't scream at the
top of their lungs just to hear the echo throughout the grocery
store. It hurts my ears. It hurts everyone in the stores ears,
and that's not okay. Explain why they can't kick and pound on
you while you are buckling them into the car seat. That hurts
me, and I don't like it. Quite often they'll quit. You'll still
have days when they'll do it anyway, but they'll completely
understand why they're getting busted. They'll know that it's
because they made a choice not because you're just being mean
for the heck of it. Over and over, you have to keep telling them
why. They also need to see you enforce the rules on others too.
Role model for them that everyone in the house is being held by
the same standards of behavior. Conduct yourself accordingly.
Eventually, they'll come to agree with the rules if they
understand the reasoning behind them. "Because I said so" isn't
a reason that any self-respecting two year old will ever embrace.
Self-respect is a very important aspect that I think too many
parents downplay in raising their children. How is someone
supposed to come away with any kind of self-respect if they've
been raised to never ever disagree or question authority? My
favorite is when I hear people say, "Don't say no to me, I'm
your mother!" The fact that people are capable of breeding
doesn't make them right! If you want your child to respect you
and to speak to you with respect, then earn it. Children are
very observant. Do you practice what you preach? Do you scream
and yell at them and then bust them for doing the same thing
back to you? They mimic your behaviors because you represent
what it is to be a grown up in society. Do you spank first and
ask questions second? Then they will too. Do you want a child
who grows up to be a follower or a leader? If you punish them
every time they try to take the lead, then they will either
avoid leadership, or they will punish anyone who gets in their
way.
Give your child the right to say "No." Tell your two year old
it's okay to say "No, I don't want Uncle Johnny to pick me up
and tickle me right now." Then, make Uncle Johnny respect your
toddler's personal space. Later, when the child is in someone
else's space, you can remind them of how it feels as you explain
why they need to back off.
The key to this is to teach your child about presentation and
about listening skills. It's okay to disagree with me, but you
can't scream and yell and kick. It's okay to tell me no, but you
also have to listen to my side of the argument too. You then
have to role model what it is you want from them. You have to
listen to their reasons and then they have to listen to yours.
Teach them negotiation skills. Teach them how to say no so that
it's not offensive. Sure it's a lot easier to just deny them the
right to disagree, but it'll come back on you when they're
teenagers. Almost everyone disagreed with me when I gave my
older two kids permission to question authority and to openly
argue their point. I just made sure they were polite and
respectful while doing so. Their teachers and babysitters
weren't always thrilled, but communications were always open and
honest and understandings were always reached. My older two have
a solid belief in setting personal boundaries and not allowing
others to take advantage. And so does the Buddha Napoleon.
Copyright 2004, Tomorrow's Edge, Skye Thomas