Why online dating is better than dating in the real world
More and more people find their love online. No wonder, says
Marc de Jong. He thinks that online dating is even better than
dating in the real world.
Let me tell you a story. For years I went to bars, festivals and
other meetings, and it wasn't always for the beer or the music.
To be honest, many times I was mainly looking for a girl friend,
for a woman to spend the rest of my life with. I had my share of
dates, don't worry: Frankenstein was not my father, some ladies
even consider me handsome. But in the end I was still living on
my own, and slept in a bed that was always too big.
Life changed when I bought a modem and went on the Internet.
Initially my connection wasn't meant for a ride on the
electronic highway to love - remember: I am a music fan - but it
lasted only a few days before I first visited a dating site.
Within seconds, thousands of women entered my cramped living
room, and after a little surfin' around I wrote a girl that
called herself Pearlemma. I hope it was not her real name.
Only 24 hours later Pearlemma wrote me back. We exchanged up to
six letters. Then it became clear she was only interested in
having a chat once in a while. I knew the type - from bars,
festivals and other meetings. My next stop was FriendFinder, one
of the oldest and best known dating sites. I found a lady with
whom I shared some hobbies and interests, but I soon had enough
when she sent me her picture.
Online dating finally became serious when I put my ad on a site
called Soulmates or something like that. I got a few replies,
wrote back, got more replies, wrote back again, made a
selection, wrote more, met her. Love, romance, you got it, and I
got it. And then we split up. These things happen, not only in
the virtual world. But at least I knew, online dating could work.
So when I had come to terms with the emotional damage, I put
another ad, and this time it was really bingo time. Over one
hundred replies. And you know what? I'm happily married now, for
over eighteen months, with a lady who used to live on the other
side of the world.
Why am I telling you all this? Because I truly believe online
dating works. And even better than real world dating. First of
all, there's choice. Second, there's comfort. On the net, you
can meet thousands of potential partners and still stay at home.
Your choice is incredible: as long as you speak a few words of
English, you can communicate with almost the whole world. And
even when you only speak your native tongue (if not English)
then you can still reach more people than you will ever be able
to meet in a bar. You can write at daytime, at your work, during
one of these dull and lonely evenings, in the middle of the
night when the bed's too big again. Doesn't matter: you can
choose time and place yourself.
Maybe you only want someone who lives just around the corner,
but let me tell you this: the international aspect of online
dating adds some extra flavour, which you will never regret to
try. Other countries means other cultures, and other cultures
are not scary, no, they enrich your life. They broaden your
view, tell you what's strange about your own culture, and show
you things you had never dreamt of. Besides, it's very exciting
to go on holiday knowing you'll meet this mysterious man or
woman for the first time. And if love is true and the country
nice, you have a great holiday destination for the future as
well.
Online dating is also honest. O.K., there are people who place
an ad without taking it seriously, and some might even try to
scam you, but that's not different from the real world. If you
take the right precautions and use your brains, you will only
meet men or women who don't hide their intentions. On the net
you do not have to say 'Can I buy you drink', then wait for
hours, weeks, sometimes months - or even years - to find out
that your 'partner' liked the drink more than you or already had
someone else. No, on the net the world is simple and clear. By
just putting an ad, people say: 'I want love'. Now, that's an
opening sentence!
When starting points are so obvious, it's also much easier to
speak about issues that really matter. What do you expect from
life? What kind of relationship would you prefer? Do you want
children? Just a few questions you will never ask a boy or girl
in a crowded bar or noisy discotheque, while being watched by
your and his or her friends. But when you write an email you CAN
ask it, and you don't have to wait for the right moment. If you
don't limit your correspondence to superficial talk, but achieve
real indepth communication, you save a lot of time. So invest in
your writing skills and be honest, and your relationship will
benefit from it for years.
The great thing about email is it's inbuilt paradox. It can be
very personal and intimate, but still it's anonymous, because
you use a 'third party', your computer, to express your thoughts
and feelings. With no direct listener you can come to the point.
And the great thing is: most people are easily touched by a
personal letter. A letter also gives them time to react, while a
live conversation requires immediate answer, which can be an
obstacle when you are overwhelmed by emotion.
There are people who regard online dating as unnatural. Well,
then tell me what IS natural? There was a time when bars and
disco's were just as new as the Internet. There are countries
where bars and disco's do not exist, even in the 21st century.
And what is natural about joining a singles club and go out
bowling with people who are only rating each other's looks?
I may be romantic, but I think the man or woman of your dreams
might well be living somewhere else, on a place where you
haven't looked yet. It can be your neighbouring city, or an
almost deserted island in the Pacific. But thanks to your
computer you can find him. Or find her. Go for it.