Translating What Men Do
Introduction
The article below contains a few sweeping generalisations within
it that hold true in most cases. I wouldn't for a moment claim
that all men or women act out a particular gender role, I would
however say that some assumptions can be very useful. This
article has already changed lives, my editors understanding of
men improved and she quickly eliminated one of the biggest
mistakes she was making around the men in her life. I hope you
enjoy it, let me know. For those of you that wonder, we will be
getting to the mistakes that men make around women in the near
future.
Men for Beginners
One of the roles I seem to find myself in is translator. I often
end up in conversations with my female coaching clients about
what does it mean when my partner....disappears into the garage
for the evening?....watches three movies back to back?....drinks
all night with his friends?
It means he's unhappy.
Men are different from women; I've resisted this truth for so
many years I can't tell you. We do things differently,
particularly around the area of feelings. Men are trained to be
ashamed of their feelings from a very early age. We learn
quickly that tears are not something we shed if we have any
other option. We know that big boys don't cry, and that message
started very early for us. We are often shamed publicly for
crying and shame is something we resist feeling at any cost.
Have you ever noticed that there isn't a clearly defined male
character in society? In some way, we invest most of our energy
in NOT acting like a woman. Men have no idea how to get along
with each other and our male intimacy often comes about by
punching each other in the arm and other types of play fighting.
Take the example of holding hands. We don't stop holding hands
because we don't like our friends. We stop holding hands because
someone made it unsafe to do so. Just like the tears in public,
male friends holding hands is subject to ridicule, harassment,
and more of the dreaded public shaming.
One theory suggests men are not allowed to have feelings because
if they did they might become sensitive to the fact that killing
other men is unacceptable. We've been trained from the moment we
could observe that if a war happens, we must be willing to get
out there and defend our women and children. That's a heavy load
to bear and it does interfere with our ability to be sensitive.
We even process feelings differently, as overt feelings make us
vulnerable. Sometimes men get so numb they don't even know they
are having a feeling. If you've ever read any books about the
actuality of war, you'll realize this is an essential skill for
men to master. Many of us process feelings outside ourselves
because it is safer that way. Watching a movie, where the
emotion is at a distance, is one way of processing feelings
externally. Another is to tinker around in the garage...because
it's also safe.
My understanding is that we only disappear into our cave when we
feel unsafe. The problem is that generally when a man lets his
defenses down, the first thing he feels is anger or frustration
because these are the safest emotions for us. At this point, the
woman stops listening or fights back and once again man learns
feelings are not a good idea.
If a woman really wants a man that can feel and communicate his
feelings, she needs to be his guide. Women have the luxury of
being allowed intimate female friends and the upper edge when it
comes to empathy and compassion. When women re-entered the
workforce, some men were only too happy to mentor them into
management positions. I'd encourage you to mentor your man
through the process of emotions. The easiest way to do this is
through a process that Taylor and McGee refer to as Deep
Listening in their book "The New Couple". It's very easy and
surprisingly powerful.
Set aside 20 minutes and agree that you are each going to take
ten minutes to talk about your lives. When it's your turn to
talk, you can discuss anything and everything on your mind. When
it's your turn to listen, you must actively listen. This means
no grunts, no head nods, and no interruptions. Ideally, you just
look at the speaker with 'soft eyes'. It is important that both
parties take ten minutes because you are building a safe space.
There is no set agenda and it's not a place to air grievances
between the two of you. It's a space to open up to each other.
You will discover new things about your partner during deep
listening sessions. Don't expect anything too dramatic. Just
remember after 15 years of therapy, I still rarely cry 'like a
girl' and it's my sincere belief that our kidneys just process
liquid differently.