Talking to Kids About War
Talking to Kids About War
by the Rev. John P. Jackman
A few days ago, my 8 year old daughter asked my wife "What state
is Iraq?" My wife explained that Iraq is not a state, but
another country. This led to a number of other questions: "Why
are they fighting?" "Why is Saddam Hussein bad?" And finally, in
a very round-about way, she came to the real question: "Are we
safe?"
Unless you live in a sealed vacuum, your children know there's a
war on. The war is everywhere. Just as with the news coverage of
the terrorist attacks of 9/11, the coverage is wall-to-wall.
Local news stations aren't covering local news; regular
programming is preempted with speculation and commentary. The
visuals, the bombs, the strident music, are not lost on them.
They absorb these things, and wonder about them, and formulate
explanations - and questions.
The news channels are pumping wall-to-wall coverage into your
home because it will increase their ratings. Things that make us
tense and fearful boost ratings, and thus boost profits. They
will not stop; the likelihood is that they will do more, with
little regard or respect for the impact that the coverage might
have on children. So it is up to parents to take control of the
TV and protect their children from excessive exposure, and it is
up to parents to answer the questions and calm the fears.
I'll never forget hearing about the child of a man who worked in
the World Trade Center when it was hit by a jumbo jet. She would
only watch The Food Network so that she would not have to watch
her father die again and again and again. And again.
How we react to news of war or terrorism will strongly influence
how our children are affected. If we react with fear,
obsessively watching every minute, every replay, then our
children will be affected more deeply and will be more anxious
and fearful. I was saddened after 9/11 to see many well-educated
parents reacting this way. People in my town were stocking up,
looking suspiciously at every Muslim, and speculating as to
whether we might be next. That fact that Al Quaida would only
hit Lewisville, NC by sheer accident and miscalculation never
occurred to them; and I could see the anxiety level in their
children rise to disturbing levels.
Children need to be reassured that they are safe. They need
age-appropriate explanations of what is going on. But above all
they depend on us as parents to protect them from the
unnecessary and irrational fear that TV coverage can create.
Even for families who have a loved one in battle, who for
understandable reasons find themselves dragged to the TV every
moment, the statistical chances are very good that their loved
one will return. 98% of servicemen returned from World War II.
Here are ten tips for talking to children about war or terrorism:
1. Talk to children about the war and the terrorists. Many
parents fear that talking about violent acts will increase their
children's fear, but in fact the reverse is the case. When
children keep scared feelings bottled up, their fears may be far
worse than reality. You can't reassure them if you don't talk
about it.
2. Talk about hate, anger, and bullies. Why do people do
terrible things? Talk about tolerance and non-violent solutions
to smaller problems. The terrorists are far away, but there's a
bully in every schoolyard.
3. Reassure them they are safe. The war is far away, and Osama
Bin Laden has never heard of Fleetwood, Pennsylvania or
Grapevine, Texas. Even if you live in New York City or
Washington, D.C. you can honestly reassure you children that
they are safe.
4. Find out what their fears are. Don't assume you know what
your children are thinking. Children often personalize fears,
and may be afraid their school will be bombed or that any
airplane might fly into a building.
5. Consider the age. You will talk differently to a
four-year-old than a ten-year-old.
6. Limit television, radio, and newspaper exposure. Children
simply don't need to hear about the war all the time. I don't
think adults should be exposed to this constant barrage! Make
sure that your child's exposure to graphic coverage is very
limited.
7. Tell your child what you think. Do you support the war? Are
you opposed to the war? Use this as an opportunity to share your
values in an age-appropriate way.
8. Avoid generalizations and racist statements! Casual comments
about "those Arabs" or "those Muslims," even in jest, will be
noted by your child. The current conflict is a perfect
opportunity to talk about how there are good and bad people of
every race and religion. Keep in mind the song from South
Pacific:
You have to be taught Before it's too late. Before you are six
or seven or eight to hate all the people your relatives hate.
You have to be carefully taught.
If we teach our children by example that it's OK to hate all
Muslims or all Iraquis, how are we better than the Taliban or
Al-Quaida?
9. Distinguish between patriotism and political opinion. The
true American tradition is freedom of political expression. Feel
free to tell children that you disagree with some people, but
emphasize their right to have their own opinion.
10. If you have a relative in the battle, or a family friend
deployed in Iraq, the situation is much more difficult.
Everyone, adults and children, will be anxious and troubled. You
won't be able to help it. Marshall your own fears with spiritual
support from your religion, from relatives, from friends. Focus
on the fact that your loved one is far more likely to return
than to be killed or injured. Be extra careful not to have the
TV on all the time, no matter how compelling it might seem.
Reassure your children that Uncle Bob will be fine.
Statistically, this is probably true -- and it does not help
children to imagine the worst. Take action together - send an
email through www.emailourmilitary.com or through the
appropriate service branch, make a poster, tie a yellow ribbon,
plan the loved one's return party.
Children today are subjected to influences that cause them to be
unnecessarily fearful and anxious. A major source of this is
television. TV coverage of war, terrorism, and violent crime are
things we need to protect our children from if they are to have
a chance to be children. Kids don't need to shoulder adult
burdens.
The Rev. John Jackman, an ordained minister, is Executive
Director of Comenius Foundation, an independent nonprofit that
advocates for responsible television. Comenius Foundation
sponsors a free web site, www.changingchannels.org, with more
information about how you can limit the negative effects of
television on your children.
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