Lightening the Load: Time to Stop Living With the Past
Lightening the Load: Time to Stop Living With the Past By Janet
L. Hall and Paula Langguth Ryan
Someone recently wrote to share how her husband and his siblings
banded together to *clean out* her father-in-law's home, which
she likened to an indoor junkyard. After they had filled the
dumpster, her sister-in-law pointed at the contents and said to
her father, *This is what you were loving while we were growing
up. These were the children you were spending time with and we
grew up with them and hated them and were jealous of them.*
He never knew they felt this way. And he certainly wouldn't have
chosen to lighten his load this way. Yet it's sometimes a hard
fact that the treasures and *stuff* we accumulate during our
lifetime have a profound impact on our families, on ourselves
and on our ability to have a prosperous life.
Luckily, there are a few simple steps you can take to free
yourself from the clutter of the past and mend fences in your
family. Start by asking yourself a few simple questions about
the things you are hanging on to:
~~ Why are you afraid to get rid of these things?
~~ What do they represent to you?
~~ How long are you going to carry this stuff around with you?
~~ How have your treasures and *stuff* affected your family?
~~ Are you hanging on to some stuff *just in case?*
~~ Who said you have to hang on to these things?
Take action now to lighten your load before someone else decides
to lighten it for you. Here are seven tips to get you started.
1: Invite your children and grandchildren over to come get the
things that were theirs during their childhood. Donate, auction
off or simply throw away anything that's left. Brenda, a client
in her sixties, was holding on to her daughter's childhood
dolls, thinking she would one day want them. When Brenda asked,
she discovered her daughter didn't want them after all. She was
free to sell them, which brought her some extra income and freed
up valuable space.
2: Make a list of the treasures you're ready to part with now.
Then write down the names of friends and family members who have
admired these items. Write down or record a story for each item,
then throw a dinner party for these friends and family members.
Share the stories with them as you pass along the gifts. Or give
them as holiday or birthday presents.
3: Tap into the flow of giving and receiving by passing along
treasures you want people to inherit, so you can see the joy in
giving and in receiving while you're still around. Be sure to
write down and relate a story about the item.
4: Weigh an item's cost to you in terms of stress and upkeep. If
you have a number of valuables -- such as collectibles,
antiques, linens or pictures -- the expense of insurance, the
worry of possible theft and the time spent on cleaning can be
overwhelming. One 77-year old woman, Mary, has so much
Depression-era glass on display in her house it takes her three
days a week to dust them all. What's your joy-to-stuff ratio on
these items in your home? Passing along or selling these items
now will cut down on your stress level and save you money on
insurance premiums.
5: Avoid any fighting and bickering over who gets what items.
Write a letter like the one Janet's mother-in-law wrote, that
simply states: *I hope we raised you well enough not to argue
over possessions. Your family and dedication are more important
than things. So I'm sure you won't argue over who gets what.* As
you tell your tales, explain why you selected a certain person
to receive a certain item. This will go a long way toward
alleviating any ill feelings. Remind them that it's the memory
that matters, not the item itself. Encourage anyone who isn't
the keeper of the item -- but cherishes the item as well -- to
get a copy of the story about the item. They can always read the
story, and visit the item.
6: Eliminate items that truly don't have value any more. How
many button boxes or jars of nails do you really need? Most of
what you're saving isn't probably usable anymore anyway.
Partially opened tubes of caulk, cans of paint or stain, tape,
old twine, old spools of thread and elastic all go bad over the
years. Throw out anything that is cluttering up your home and
drawing your attention away from your family.
7: Unburden yourself from things that are tying you to the past.
Is your basement or attic still packed with things from
yesteryear? One man's basement had a six-foot mirror that had
been shipped over from Europe, and was still in its shipping
crate