Family Pearls, Family Peace
You toss and turn, trying to wake up from a recurring nightmare
that has you in its grip.
Four generations of family members are descending on your house
for this year's Christmas dinner. It's suppose to be a happy
occasion, so why are you in a cold sweat? Tension rises and
tempers flare. Your daughter-in-law flees from you, stung by
your simple request to be quiet already, she's getting on your
last good nerve. Your mother-in-law tells you for the umpteenth
time how lucky you are to have snagged her son. Your
grandchildren are trying to hide a snicker about the weird way
you and great-grandma talk and dress. You are seriously ticked
off because your mother and mother-in-law refuse to accept the
undeniable fact that you are a grandparent, and should be
respected accordingly. You and your husband are beside yourself,
and out of frustration you act like enemies instead of each
other's support system. All in all, it is a dream from hell.
And then you wake up and discover that it isn't a dream after
all. God forbid, they aren't coming to dinner! They live with
you.
Although statistics show that intergenerational families are a
common occurrence, it is still one of the least talked about
family situations.
We women seldom talk about it, because we don't want to
embarrass our loved ones. We bear our burdens, almost in
silence, sharing our frustrations only with our few remaining
friends.
If this situation hasn't come to your house yet, not to worry.
It will. Give it a year or two. If you are a baby boomer like
me, and fortunate enough to have a living parent (or parents),
it will come. And sadly, time is not with us with regard to
keeping this repository of wisdom and information with us
forever. We need to capture it while time permits.
We Boomers don't think of ourselves as "older," but let's face
it, we are the generation most able to articulate our
accumulated experiences, wisdom, and other information critical
to helping our children,grandchildren, and those not yet born
understand why they are the way they are. Our knowledge holds
the key to their recognizing if not avoiding sand traps, and
other dangerous situations.
Here's the good news. There is no need to be a victim of this
situation, or wait until all we can say is I shoulda, woulda,
coulda. You have the capacity to change things, to bring
understanding and joy into your intergenerational family. You
have the capacity to capture history and share it with
generations to come. There is nothing that brings a sense of
purpose, self-esteem, and fulfillment like having a formal,
documented account, memoirs if you will, that chronicles your
own history.
The process has three simple steps and is actually a lot of fun.
Step 1: Create your own memoirs, or become an angel of mercy and
help an older family member get started. If two or more like
each other's company, consider collaboration among family
members.
Begin at the beginning. What is your earliest memory of your
childhood home? A picture really is worth a thousand words. Draw
a picture of it that will literally map this part of your story.
You don't have to be Picasso. Start with a rectangle, about the
size of a regular sheet of paper. Draw your house. Lay out your
street, then the streets in your neighborhood. Who were the
people and what were they like? What were you favorite places?
Why? Maybe you didn't exactly live on a street. My map included
our house, yard, chickens, corn crib, ditch, a path through the
patch and another leading up the pasture. Everything we did
contributed to getting food, getting our lessons, going to
church, and the normal games siblings play on each other. The
main characters were my family, dominated by my mother and
grandfather. Whatever else I wrote about, these were recurring
people and themes.
Next, write down everything you remember about each part of the
picture you've just drawn. Write it as it comes to you. Give
depth and character to your pictures. Write what you feel. Keep
writing until you can actually smell the food, reach out and
touch your favorite chair, or hear your mother's voice calling
to you. You'll have time later to sort it all out. Some of it
will make you weep, and others will have you rolling on the
floor with glee.
Now determine what most vividly touched your early life. Was it
family, school? Did you move frequently? You have to feel
strongly about it in order to help others see why you feel the
way you do.
Challenge your memory. Family members come in handy here. See if
they remember it the same way you do. Be careful not to get into
memory turf wars. Each of us jealously guards our recollections;
they make up who we are. So be gentle. This is suppose to be
fun, and these are your memoirs.
Use facts to give your memoirs authenticity and accuracy. Your
local library is a great place to start. Property records at a
county recording office will clarify who owned the property next
to you (and you thought they were aliens). Court records will
tell you who was married to whom (oops!). Probate records show
death and inheritances. Department of education records recount
the public education grandma and Aunt Tilda received. Police
records might allay your suspicions about your ancestors, or
confirm your runaway suspicions. You might find information that
shows an entirely different perspective from that you have
carried all your life.
When you revisit your early life, you'll discover that each day,
week, month, and year present wonderful fodder for your memoirs.
Block these periods. Let your memory take you across each
landscape. Write what you see. Soon you will be able to capture
the essence of experiences and activities that made you who you
are. Don't stifle your reactions to them, even those you would
just as soon forget. You survived, didn't you. If you're reading
this, you've done better than simple survive; you're taking
charge of your life.
As you work through each blocked period, look for the these
elements within your memories, and how you feel about the impact
each had on your life.
Church School Teachers Most influential adult Historical events
Happiest event Most frightening event Proudest moment Most
embarrassing event Your first love
Locate all the pictures of people, places, and things you can
get your hands on. Pictures, historical fact, and the role each
had in your life make for dynamic and interesting reading.
Congratulations. You have taken the first steps to writing your
memoirs.
Step 2: Lay out your information and pictures in chronological
order. Use historical events to frame your stories. This makes
your memoirs an excellent resource for teaching local history,
sharing heritage, and instilling pride in family legacy.
Step 3: Prepare for gift-giving, as your memoirs make a most
treasured gift that lasts throughout generations. Make them into
a book to share with others, develop individual stories into
skits and/or readings to bring excitement to family
celebrations. Or,turn them into dollars as you launch your new
writing and teaching career.
This article may be reproduced in its entirety as long as the
resource box at the bottom in included.
Copyright 2001 Joyce M. Coleman. All rights reserved, except as
noted above.
http://www.locusthillpublishing.com. Joyce Coleman is author of
acclaimed book, Soul Stirrings - How looking back gives each of
us the freedom to move forward.Subscribe to her newsletter, The
Business of Life at
http://www.locusthillpublishing.com/newsletter/newsletter_subscri
be.html for practical tools thatenhance living. Includes self
improvement, wealth- building, family issues, recipes.