Admitting a Problem is Not Just the First Step

Psychologists say that admitting a problem is the first step. Read why this may not be true in New York.
As all great personalities sometimes do in private, I would like to admit a problem. The problem is that most people on this planet (besides me and possibly some other folks whom I am fond of) are thoroughly screwed up. I know this because during my daily commute to and from work, I often kill time by observing other passengers on the train. The preliminary conclusion to my study is that there are approximately eight hundred thousand different categories of people in New York. In an effort to make the public aware of these seemingly detrimental genetic mutations, I would like to discuss some of these categories and their negative characteristics.

The most noticeable of these individuals are those who feel that they are distinguished public speakers and the subway car is their pulpit. These people start off by announcing their current financial and housing situation, sometimes even informing us of their lifetime employment history. Next, we will sometimes hear them describe what is almost certainly private doctor-patient medical information. After this they ask us for donations and hold out a bag for us to place money or spew vomit into. They usually end off by wishing us a blessing or cursing us for being stingy rich ingrates.

Of all of the strange creatures on the New York City transit system, these solicitors are by far the most noticeable, and this is no coincidence. They are produced in labs in Argentina, and in a highly selective screening process, only the lowest, most tainted specimens are selected for advancement to the Chernobyl training facility (a subterranean instructional workshop, by chance located directly beneath the famed, allegedly dormant Chernobyl Power Plant). During a grueling seven-month training period, these varmints are educated in shower avoidance and unpleasant odors. They are instructed in the art of persistence and annoyance. They are also taught how to keep themselves constantly on the verge of drunkenness. Once they finish their course, they are then transported via intricate tunneling structures to the New York City Sewer System. After a six-week incubation phase, they are individually migrated to the subway system, which will be their home for basically the rest of their existence.

Although, as previously mentioned, this panhandling clan is the most conspicuous species on the trains, several years ago, the New York City Department of Transit Annoyance became sensitive to the need for another infuriating variety of individuals to plaster the subway with. The only trouble was, the city at that time lacked the funds to implement high quality training similar to that of the transit solicitors. Therefore, Edward Koch, the New York City Mayor at the time, grabbed several bearded individuals at random, subjected them to an hour of being hit on the head with plutonium mallets, and handed them saxophones. They were then escorted to subway stations and have been there ever since. The introduction of these people, who can make any music sound like burning industrial waste, opened the door for many other strange individuals. The subway became a system full of diversity when it comes to weirdness. New York City officials were ecstatic. This was the first time that the word