Assertiveness Skills - The Art of Saying No
What exactly is The Art of Saying No?
A lot of people just don't like the idea of having to tell
people they can't do something. Or they feel obligated when a
colleague asks a favour; or feel pressurised when someone senior
to them needs something done.
There are even some work places where saying no is definitely
frowned upon; and in, say, the police force, could be a sackable
or disciplinary offence.
After having worked for some time with people where saying no
either feels impossible or just isn't allowed, we created a body
of work to address it. In some cases it is indeed, how to say no
without ever saying the word.
Of course, there are times when saying the 'n' word is a
necessity. But in our experience, there is so much anxiety
around the possible consequences of using it, that people don't
say anything at all, or agree to things they'd rather not, or
get landed with work that isn't theirs and so on.
That can't be good for anyone, but especially the person who
finds themselves staying late at the end of the day to get their
own work done after they've finished everyone else's; or who
swallows their resentment when they are 'volunteered' for
something they don't want to do; or who quakes at the idea of
having to be a bit tougher with a supplier or even someone they
manage.
This is one issue we have felt so passionately about that we
even wrote a book that deals with it: The Nice Factor Book (Are
you too Nice for your own good?)
This document is going to focus on one aspect of that book,
which is about how to say no in a way that's manageable, deals
with the difficult feelings and actually might be some fun. For
a more in-depth look, do have a peek at the book.
It's Not Assertiveness
Impact Factory has been running programmes on The Art of Saying
No for nearly seven years and we are often asked what the
difference is between our work and assertiveness training. The
reason we've been asked this is that assertiveness training has
been around for some time, and people wonder if this art of
saying no business isn't just more of the same.
Well, no it isn't, and here's why.
We believe the very term 'assertiveness' is limiting. For
instance, people say you should be assertive rather than
aggressive, as if assertiveness is the only way to deal with a
difficult situation. It isn't. If you are being attacked or
abused, then aggressively fighting back may well be an
appropriate thing to do. The key word here is appropriate.
So yes, aggressiveness may be appropriate, assertiveness may be
appropriate, but there's a greater range of choice of behaviour
than those two types that could be equally appropriate.
Before we discuss them, though, we want to talk about some of
the things that happen to people when what they think and feel
is different from what they do.
Many 'unassertive' people recognise that their pattern of
behaviour is to be nice or compliant for far longer than they
really want to until they reach the point of no longer being
able to hold it in; then they explode nastily and
inappropriately all over whoever happens to be around.
There are three ways this 'explosion' can happen. The first is
that the rage happens inside the head and remains unexpressed.
The second is that it is inappropriately expressed, and someone
not involved, like a work colleague or secretary or even a bus
conductor, becomes the recipient. The third is properly directed
at the 'offending party' but is out of all proportion to the
probably small, but nonetheless final-straw-event that unleashes
it.
Not Nice Not Nasty
This leaves people with the impression that there are only two
states or behaviours they can do: Nice or Nasty. When, in fact,
they have forgotten a whole range of behaviour that lies between
Nice and Nasty that can be termed Not-Nice (or even Not-Nasty).
What we've seen with assertiveness, is that it is often seen as
a single form of behaviour: just say no, stand your ground, be a
broken record - all quite difficult if you are truly
unassertive, or in our jargon - simply too nice for your own
good. The concept of asserting yourself, (getting your voice
heard, being understood, being taken into account, getting your
own way) needs to be broadened to include all forms of
behaviour. It can include humour, submission, irresponsibility,
manipulation, playfulness, aggressiveness, etc.
The key point here is that the behaviour - nice, not-nice, nasty
- is chosen. We emphasise the word key, because until people are
able to choose behaviour that's free from the limiting effects
of their fear of possible consequences, they will not be able to
act no matter how well they are taught to be assertive. They
will still feel overwhelmed in difficult situations.
Managing Feelings
It needs to be acknowledged that the strong feelings associated
with changing behaviour are real and valid. Once people do that,
then these (usually difficult) feelings can be looked upon as a
good thing, a sign that something new is happening. At this
point people can start to 'choose' to have these feelings rather
than having to endure them or trying to pretend they are not
happening.
The idea of choice is very important. If people feel they have
real choice about how they behave, they start to realise that it
can be OK to put up with something they don't like. They can
choose it because they want to; it is to their advantage. They
then avoid the disempowering tyranny of always having to assert
themselves. (Which is almost as bad as feeling you always have
to be compliant or nice.)
Many people think that in order to be assertive, you need to
ignore what you are feeling and just 'stand your ground'. In
fact, you ignore those feelings at your peril.
Often the magnitude of peoples' feelings is way out of
proportion to what the situation warrants. They may well reflect
a previous difficult event more accurately. But because that
previous difficulty was so difficult, it feels as though every
similar situation will be the same.
It is only by beginning to experience and understand how
crippling these feelings can be that people can start to do
anything about changing their behaviour. Many people know what
they could say; they know what they could do. Most 'unassertive'
people have conversations in their heads about how to resolve a
conflict they're in; but still, their mouths say 'yes', while
their heads say 'no'. Knowing what to do or say is not the issue
here.
Therefore, in looking at practising 'the art of saying no', it
is wise to broaden the brief to so that it isn't about becoming
more assertive; rather it's about changing your behaviour to fit
the circumstances.
While in many circumstances assertiveness can be a straight
jacket of it's own (often creating resistance and resentment),
the full lexicon of behaviour can be freeing, because there is
choice in the matter. Using charm, humour, telling the truth or
even deliberate manipulation, may well get you what you want
without having to attempt behaviour that may go against your
personality.
If you add a dash of fun or mischief, The Art of Saying No
becomes a doable prospect, rather than another difficult
mountain to climb.
Saying No
Here are some pointers of what could make it easier to say 'no'.
If you're saying something serious, notice whether you smile or
not. Smiling gives a mixed message and weakens the impact of
what you're saying.
If someone comes over to your desk and you want to appear more
in charge, stand up. This also works when you're on the phone.
Standing puts you on even eye level and creates a psychological
advantage.
If someone sits down and starts talking to you about what they
want, avoid encouraging body language, such as nods and ahas.
Keep your body language as still as possible.
Avoid asking questions that would indicate you're interested
(such as, 'When do you need it by?' or 'Does it really have to
be done by this afternoon?' etc.)
It's all right to interrupt! A favourite technique of ours is to
say something along the lines of, 'I'm really sorry; I'm going
to interrupt you.' Then use whatever tool fits the situation. If
you let someone have their whole say without interrupting, they
could get the impression you're interested and willing. All the
while they get no message to the contrary, they will think
you're on board with their plan (to get you to do whatever...)
Pre-empt. As soon as you see someone bearing down on you (and
your heart sinks because you know they're going to ask for
something), let them know you know: 'Hi there! I know what you
want. You're going to ask me to finish the Henderson report.
Wish I could help you out, but I just can't.'
Pre-empt two. Meetings are a great place to get landed with work
you don't want. You can see it coming. So to avoid the
inevitable, pre-empt, 'I need to let everyone know right at the
top, that I can't fit anything else into my schedule for the
next two weeks (or whatever).'
Any of these little tips can help you feel more confident and
will support your new behaviour. For that's what this is: If
you're someone whom others know they can take advantage (they
may not even be doing it on purpose, you're just an easy mark!)
you need to indicate by what you do that things have changed.
Here's an Analogy we use in The Nice Factor Book:
Let's say you're a burglar. There's a row of identical houses
and you're thinking of having a go at five of them. The first
house has a Yale lock on the front door. The second house has a
Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door. The third house has a
Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door and bars on the window.
The fourth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door,
bars on the window and burglar alarm. The fifth house has a Yale
and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window, a
burglar alarm and a Rottweiler.
Which would you burgle?
When you make it easy for other people, they will naturally keep
coming back. By learning more effective ways of saying 'no' you
make it harder for others to expect you to do what they want
without taking into account what's going on for you. You become
more burglar-proof.
Changing Others by Changing Yourself
A lot of us wish that the person we are in conflict with, or
feel intimidated by, would change. Then everything would be all
right. We've all heard this from a colleague, friend, partner
and even said it ourselves: 'If only he'd listen to me, then I
wouldn't be so frightened.' 'If only she'd stop complaining
about my work, I'd be much happier.'
'If only' puts the onus on the other person to change how and
who they are and makes them responsible for how we feel. By
using some of the tools outlined above, people can get a sense
of being in charge of situations, rather than being victims to
what other people want.
It does seem to be part of human nature to blame others when
things go wrong in our lives, or when we're feeling hard done
by. If you take away the 'if only' excuse you also take away the
need to blame and make the other person wrong. It's also rather
wonderful to think that rather than waiting for someone else to
change to make things all right, we all have the ability to take
charge of most situations and make them all right for ourselves.
What also makes it easier is that we all just have to get better
at 'the art of saying no'; none of us has to change our whole
personalities to create a more satisfying outcome!