10 THINGS NOT TO DO IN JANUARY
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2006.
10 THINGS NOT TO DO DURING THE MONTH OF JANUARY
Or, pray tell, why not?
Sherlock Tidpit, a remarkable rumpus-room monitor and a
rule-of-thumb rapscallion with a very skewed assessment of
reality that makes him, among other things, a very valuable
vestigial remnant in the Court of the Quipping Queen.
It occurred to me, (as I sat on a tuffet eating my curds and
whey the other day), that there are at least TEN things that
should never (and I repeat NEVER) be contemplated, considered or
carried out during the first month of the year.
1. Make resolutions to be good, bad or downright ugly.
(It's a waste of valuable time that could be devoted to building
sandcastles in the air, launching trial balloons, twiddling
one's thumbs and last but not least, counting some sheep at
2. Wear red. (It's a highly over-rated color and should
only be worn in an emergency or during the biggest and longest
spendthrift season of the year!)
3. Commune with nature ...in particular, with bears or
plants. (Like #1, it's not a productive use of one's
energies, considering that both of these living things can't
hear a blooming thing you say ...'cause they're indisposed
...taking a long winter nap!)
4. Discovering the true personality of a "seagoat". (Do
you really want to know that Capricorns are critical,
egotistical, fatalistic, status seeking not to mention
slave-driving, dissatisfied perfectionists who only believe that
their way is always the best ...so there!)
5. Whistle while you work. (This is a sign of true
contentment, a ticket-boo state of affairs, or other hunky-dory
stuff that only happens in fairy tales; since life's not a
happily-ever-after story, suck it up and stop blowing wind
through your teeth!)
6. Cry in one's soup (be it chicken, tomato, or clam
chowder). Simpering and sniveling do not become sensitive
souls like you who deserve a double shot of a good single malt
Scotch (no ice naturally) and lots of high-calorie, high-carb
and high-five finger-foods!
7. Hum or sing songs. (Like #5, no one wants to hear
someone who can't hold a tune or remember the words. Best to
wait for a cozy campfire in July when one can perform and keep
the bears, bugs, plus the other wild beasties off one's back.)
8. Find Aquarian friends to keep one company. (Just
because they're called the "Water Carrier" of the zodiac doesn't
mean they want to spend time on a beach with you! Ahem ...
didn't you know that they're ambivalent, eccentric, perverse,
rude, self-interested, tactless types who lack self-confidence
...besides they exhibit a voyeuristic curiosity about
people...and that will undoubtedly include you!)
9. Play musical chairs. (This is, shall we say, a
complicated, strenuous, aerobic exercise to begin the year; your
time would be better spent banging drums, nails, or even
pots...that will appeal to your strong sense of roguish rhythm).
10. Engage in toe-wrestling. (While you may have two
left-feet, and that means no tripping the light fantastic for
you, toe-wrestling is truly an outdoor recreational pastime best
left to a warm weather, beer-guzzling, barbecuing-time of year!)