Be Happy That You're Miserable
According to Woody Allen, the world is divided into the
miserable and the truly horrible. The miserable are everyday
normal people like you and I, and the truly horrible are the
cerebral palsy victims on their twelfth round of chemotherapy
writhing around on the floor in a vomitous stupor praying to God
that someone would put a pillow over their head and put them out
of their unbearable pain and suffering.
Woody Allen said that philosophy was like Chinese food. Fifteen
minutes later and you're hungry again. The bookshelves are
filled with "How to Become Happy" bestsellers. Why is that? If
people were happy would they need them? If people were happy
would Valium and Alcohol be more popular than Paris Hilton? What
are we all escaping from? What seems to be the problem?
The problem Dr. Phil is that your level of understanding of the
human condition rivals that of an ant. The human brain was not
programmed for happiness. It was programmed for misery. Take it
up with your creator. The circumstances of life on earth are not
suited for happiness. Every two seconds breaking news attacks
your mind like Attila the Hun you Hun that New Orleans is now
the lost continent of Atlantis. What were the odds at the
beginning of the year that New Orleans would still be a
landmass? You could have made a fortune in Las Vegas betting
that the city would sink to the bottom of the Ocean in the next
month.
Which brings us to fame and fortune. These two f's are mirages,
illusions of happiness on earth. Everyone dreams of winning the
$425 million power ball lottery because then they will have true
happiness. Countless aspiring starlets in Hollywood California
right his moment are engaging in the most animalistic and sordid
sexual activities with producers and casting directors hoping
that it will lead them to world wide fame and $20 million dollar
movie deals. Ask Elizabeth Taylor how happy she is. She went
from the son of Conrad Hilton to a construction worker through
Richard Burton twice to bubble's father, the King of Pop. On
route she stopped off at 9 rehab clinics to kick the Oxycodone
she was taking for the unbearable pain in her back.
Every single thing that makes you feel good, like sex with total
strangers in public places who you met 3 minutes ago is illegal
or dangerous to your health and life. We are all angel spirits
trapped in body containers for life with evil demon spirits
whose only pleasure comes from torturing us and then laughing
their heads off at us. The world is a lunatic asylum for the
criminally insane run by the most insane of all, psychiatrists.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatry Volume IX is
42,000 pages long. There are nine volumes because these shamans
keep coming up with new disorders. They have classified every
single human emotion as an emotional disorder to be treated by
them and the big drug companies. Elizabeth Taylor is the poster
girl for Merck. If you are extremely happy these Dr. Phils say
that you are manic and they put you on Lithium. In our society
happiness is a recognized full blown major mental illness. The
doctors understand that no one with any clue of what's going on
in the world today who is happy could be normal.
In a famous movie scene, the brave warrior Sitting Bull says,
"Nothing gives me the ecstatic adrenaline rush that shooting an
arrow into the head of a white man provides." Sure, his grammar
wasn't perfect but you speak Cherokee. We are by nature vicious
raping animalistic monsters whose ultimate thrill is scalping
and being the big hero saving the day. Little Mary Lou from
Kentucky doing cartwheels on the casting couch this afternoon
with Abe the 62 year old 5'2'' bald liar is hoping to one day
star in Westerns. I hear they're coming back. Danny de Vito is
starring in the remake of True Grit.
Our laws forbid us from acting like human beings and raping and
pillaging and so we live out our true natures at the movie
theatres. Who cares if popcorn is $8 a bag and Coca Cola is
$3.99 and you have 6 children? We're talking an hour and 45
minutes of escape and vicarious thrills here watching other
people pull the trigger on poor helpless widows and orphans.
Speaking of trigger, my email box seems to be heading for an all
time low. Recently I've noticed a spike in real live human
beings sending me letters inviting me to watch 18 year old
starlets take it back door from real live horses. Incest films
are also on the rise. If you want to see the true nature of the
human condition then forget about watching the Academy Awards
this year. Just check your emails.
O.K. Lets get serious for a moment. Why is it that human beings
are miserable? God said through the prophet Isaiah, "An angel
must suffer on earth in order to overcome their problems, so
that then they can help others overcome theirs." Emotional pain
is healthy. It is just like physical pain. If you could not feel
pain then your hand would burn off on the burner on your stove
as you spoke to your spouse about your teenagers' recent fatal
automobile accident. Feeling hysterically anxious is what
motivates you to sit on the phone with the Microsoft technical
support guy in India for 3 hours trying to get your new Compaq
working again. It's amazing that the minute your computer goes
down you feel as though your life line to the world has been
severed. How did humans live for 5 million years before Jesus
without cell phones? How do you phone a tiger lunging for your 4
year old daughter in the jungle? Why do people think that
drinking parasites in the Amazon jungle that give you life long
dysentery is adventure? We are by nature racist vicious bigots.
This is why our religions command us to kill everyone outside of
our group for great eternal rewards in paradise with God and 72
virgins and wine with no side effects and raptures. Just be
happy that you're miserable. You don't deserve to be.