Return to Eden; It Is Not What You Remembered!
A man approaches. A fearsome gaunt figure stands at the ready on
what seems to be an innocent wooded path. A sword of fabulous
light is drawn casting its perimeter into shadows. It is dusk
and the man does not hesitate armored in only an Irish cable
knit sweater, Lee jeans, a leather vest crafted in Pakistan, and
leather sneakers. The messenger of the light beckons for him to
stop or else face sudden death.
"Hey Charlie, can we stop the dramatics? We only been doing this
now for, what, a little over 30,000 years?" says the man in the
"I know but it is my job, you know." says the man with the still
"Can you douse that thing Rudolph. Right! I come here every ten
years or so to see if I can stroll down the garden path, what do
you do in the mean time? I mean Gabriel kicked us out and has
posted you here ever since, Can't do his own dirty work.
Destroyer of cities and great mistakes, remember those giant
chickens, I think they were called dinosaurs, well you remember
it took Gabe over fifty years to kabob that lot and fricassee
them. Only if the Colonel was alive."
"Why do you go on about time, you know it does not exist for us."
"Well I prefer it, it keeps my head straight, but to the point
are you going to let me in this time!'
"Did you not just ask me that just ten minutes ago?"
"No that was ten years ago!"
"Oh right, I never got that thing right, it is a hard concept
"So you agree to time?"
"Then why did you accuse me of just being here ten minutes ago,
in that statement you acknowledge the existence of time or else
you would not use it in your accusation?"
"I was just using it in the temporal standpoint..."
"The prefix of temp as in tempo, or temporary refers to time
once more, are you a bit confused old man!"
"No, you know what I mean.."
"Just because I ate of the apple does not mean I know
everything. But since time is irrevelant as you say to us, you
know very well that you will eventually let me pass and
everything is honky dory, so why can not that time be now. If
all moments run continuous in the same space and time, why ain't
the moment you let me by not be the same as this singular moment
that we both know to be all time. Including the moment you let
me through, which is the same as now!"
"All right, go on pass."
"Right, don't mention it, say hi to Pops for me, I hope he
won't be too mad with me."
"Hey he did tell you guys to serve me any hows, right! Remember
the war and all, how that statement didn't set well for all."
The man in the sweater proceeded on down the dusky wood, for the
right path was found. The woods emptied onto a garden path
blocked by a high retaining wall with no gate.
"Sheep tricks will not work on a shepherd, now really!" the wall
had a spot where an opening was cut into the wall at a forty
five angle making the opening invisible to any one looking at it
straight on but becomes visible as seen from an angle.
"Eden, it looks much better than Baghdad is of late. Now where
is that tree?"
"Halt, who goes there. It is forbidden to all to enter, for
certain death shall follow!"
"Dad, get off the soap box, it is ok to be short, leave that
trick for Dorothy and her friends."
"You spoiled little brat, how is the world of basket weaving
treating you?" Says Yahweh.
"Look it ain't basket weaving, it is synchratic weaving, making
all the coincidences string togethor to lead people to certain
inalienable truths that..."
"Basket weaving, when are you going to get a real job. When are
you going to be the tyrant of your own universe, God knows I
need a break..."
"Dad, are we going to go through this again, see I am here for
"The tree that I forbidden you to eat from, isn't anything
sacred, with the help of that astral minded interferer, you
already were duped by that woman to eat from the first tree,
where is that being now any ways..."
"She is at home taking doses of Prozac, she has had a bum deal
from the whole thing, man I preferred the days of Sodom and
Haight ashbury, now them were some good drugs, man that shit
makes me hunt out some sheep, because she is no help anymore.
Can we lay up on the women for a change, or you still not
talking to Best a Mom?"
"Do not mention that infernal woman's name in my ..."
"I guess that answers my question, see Pop I buried the axe a
long time ago even though part of my brain says it should of
been in yours, but it is over, I learned a few things from those
guys down there you keep interfering with, Christ is sick of
patching up your shit, man seven days was a bit of a rush job,
"Don't go on about that..."
"Only a C on your College boards, hey, good thing you gave those
beings some intelligence, but too bad you gave them your
psychosis as well, some of them are real greedy bastards. When
are you going to realize that happiness does not come from how
many black holes and stars that you can Nova, but from within,
Best a Ma is just feeling a bit separated from you..."
"Do not mention ..."
"What, Best a ma, Best a MA, Best a Ma..."
"So you want the tree, I already gave it to Chipendale to make a
lovely end table."
"Oh move out of my way.."
"Or else we can shine a bright light upon you and you can play
with your shadow, Hey Luce, are you there?"
Adam pulls out a giant mag light and shines it on his father
casting dark shadows on the wall. Out of the one to the left
appears an impish person, about the same height and built as
Yahweh, but more acute angles rendering his drawn face
terminating in a Mephistocles beard and mustache.
"Ah, Adam it has been a long time since Sodom, how is the
misses, are you still playing with those sheep, the cliff and
all, hear they are jolly good that way, still trying to get out
of your father's shadow, feeling a little inadequate.."
"Get off of it, the two of you are so inept in the endowment
area you had to scour the earth to find one woman who would be
pleased by the two and a half inches the two of you could muster
up. Good thing for wet dreams hey, I think you guys put the
truth in advertising, politics, and used cars. Talk about wild
"I see you have not accomplished much, nephew! Still running
with those apes?"
"Hey wasn't you I saw a few years ago do the funky tango with
that green monkey!"
"Hey J, how bout me and you finding some Job character and
torment him some...."
"Son, now I mean everything in your best interest.."
"Best interest, I was very content picking up berries and
painting on cave walls until you took me away from all of that ,
just on the account that I looked up into the sky and asked why,
to tell the truth I think I was just mumbling something in
response to indigestion, and Off I am whooshed to this garden
only to be kicked out so you can rip a rib out of me so you
could transform it into someone who gets a bum rush deal and
gets strung out on Prozac and forces, yes Luc, to play with the
sheep after she yells my head off for no good reason and...."
"Are you done!"
"Now where is that tree.."
The man in the Irish knit cable sweater heads out to the center
leaving the dynamic duo to themselves. After some walking he
hears the uncanny tune of Look On the Bright Side of Life and
enters the clearing as he sees a man in a tree house singing the
verse.."Life is a piece of shit, when you look at it.."
"Oh excuse me, I did not see you coming, would you like some
tea, my are you looking fine as of late! Have I ever thanked you
for caring me over that ocean, or I Have, well thanks again, I
always did prefer the name St. Christopher, so how have you
been, I always knew you would come." "So this is where you been
hanging out at?"
"No, I just knew today was the day and I wanted to return to the
place of our first meeting, you know your father only means
well, it is just that Sophia just bums around to herself up
there. Stuck between here and there, Very straight forward
thinker, that is her problem can not think in circular motions
of events. Always point a terminating in point B, very lonely
that one is."
"Any room for them in that tree house of yours?"
"Sure they just have to realize it for themselves, is that
incarnation of us writing that story yet?"
" I am pretty sure."
In a ugly little house on a sinking street that leaves the house
settling a little to the right and a little more to the left is
a man named Christopher, who at that moment, not the one in
which you are reading this but the moment he was writing this as
the one in which they had asked if he was, but then as we have
seen earlier time for them, or that matter anyone does not
really exist, so it is safe to say that this writing was done
light years from now or just a few moments ago, but this
referencing is inadequate because it uses flawed speech that
refers to time that in its self is non-existent.....
"Get on with it" rings in chorus from the heavens...
"Yeah, we just got to get him to hug her."
"How do we do that, the only words she ever said to him was
'Liar!' and that was an end of it."
" No remember she added he was a minor little psychopomp with a
mania problem, I think they were her exact words."
"Never-less, we need him to hug her. Ever learn anything from
Mercury hanging in that threshold?"
"We can try dressing her up as a Cow, which won't be too hard
she has been eating a lot of chocolate and Ben and Jerry's. Bit
depressed you know."
" A cow?"
"Yeah, one of Mercury's tricks. Hide a cow in the cave and
pretend that it really is a woman that he is hiding from one of
his wives so when she finds out she will never know the better
he is really tickling some udders. Quite ingenious trick I must
say, but he likes cows. I prefer the milk maids myself and a
little butter to go on my crepes and a tall drink of milk..."
"Isn't that a bit of incest."
"Now how did you populate the world again, Adam."
"Enough of that, those other cro-mags were not as intellectually
"Well I was planning to stop things before they got that far,
Hell I am suppose to marry the old Broad."
"You old snake you, Christ come down here and lets get started.
You think we can get rid of that hormone and bleeding thing with
women and go back to the stork, I think they will really like
that, I would really like that. For once it would be nice to
know what I am getting yelled at for." "Sure."
So Adam and Christ went into the limbo and put Sophia in a cow
costume, led Yahweh up there, stopped things from getting kinky
and stuck their names onto the family tree of life with the rest
of humanity and the species of the earth. Yahweh got his comfort
and stopped chasing golden cows, Sophia was able to think in
circles and now is racing the Nascar circuit, Jesus is enjoying
solitary walks in the Jersey Pine Barrens and dancing at night
at the local pub, Adam knows what he is getting yelled at for a
change, Eve has put out of business the Tampax company along
with prozac and is happy just being, and the stork is real busy