Lousy Jobs - How to Lose Them In Style
Was it Oscar Wilde who once said 'it's not how many lousy jobs
you've had, but the style with which you go about losing them'?
Well, okay, I'm paraphrasing here, but it was probably Wilde who
said 'you can't lose a bad job without a little imagination and
a tube of superglue'. Yet for those of you who want a more
subtle way out of your current choice of tedium, I'd like to
pass on a few pointers that might help turn you into an office
1. The Boss's Wife
Beyond the aforementioned superglue or the always-reliable pack
of cheap Chinese fireworks, the boss's wife is probably the
finest invention for the soon-to-be unemployed. If your superior
has a photograph of their loved one on their desk, you should
cast admiring looks towards it at every opportunity. Drooling at
the same time can be particularly effective, especially if you
can grunt and drop a few hints about the stationary cupboard.
However, should your employer begin to encourage you along this
line of thinking, run for the door. Don't look back until you're
well into the car park. This is the only instance when I would
recommend that you self-terminate your own employment.
2. The Affliction
With many laws now prohibiting employers from dismissing their
employees without good cause, old-fashioned afflictions still
work remarkably well. If you can't manage a plague or mild
curse, then bad breath, sweaty odours, pimples, and uncontrolled
flatulence are proven means of losing a job. You might like to
attempt to achieve all four at the same time, though be warned
that this might well land you even more work when MTV gives you
your own comedy show.
3. Random Acts of Violence On Inanimate Objects
Nothing feels better than bludgeoning a stapler into submission.
Do this in the presence of the Head of Purchasing for it to be
truly effective. It is also worth considering harming the coat
rack, the water cooler, and (my favourite) the boss's personal
potted plant. Take care not to attack anything that involves hot
fat, toner, or the office temp. These are the three types of
inanimate object known to cause the most serious injuries.
No decent career requires you to carry your pet iguana in your
pocket but, when you have a bad job, it can only help.
Professing unnatural love towards any form of rodent has also
been proven to be effective, except, that is, for certain areas
of northern England where it's positively encouraged.
I would advise you against declaring yourself opposed to
whatever political party your boss supports. They will only
admire your conviction and may well promote you on the basis of
the healthy debates they anticipate enjoying in the future.
Instead, declare yourself an anarchist and prove your loyalty to
the cause by daubing a large anarchist symbol on your forehead
with a permanent marker. This tip has been known to work in even
most difficult circumstance, though if you attempt it when
working for any high street music retailer, there is a strong
chance that you'll be promoted to take charge of the checkout.
A touchy subject, this one, but blaming God for your ineptitude
is bound to wear on an employer. There's nothing that middle
management detests more than one of their workers believing that
they're controlled by even higher forces. If you can choose a
minor deity of an obscure religion, you stand even more chance
of finding yourself out of a job. It is well known that all
deputy accounts supervisors think themselves higher than the
Third Pig God of Sumatra. The irony here, of course, is that the
Third Pig God of Sumatra was, himself, a deputy accounts
What more can I say except: the most useful product on the
planet. The author's time working at a local funeral home came
to end thanks to a pair of black spandex shorts worn at a
cremation. Spandex is proven to make the average human body
unviewable to all but fitness instructors who have received
special training to help them combat nausea in stressful workout
8. Elton John
This one should only be considered in the most extreme
circumstances since it involves the chance of considerable
danger to your mental health. Singing along to an iPod equipped
with Mr. John's greatest hits leads to immediate loss of both
job and hearing in 98% of cases. The other 2% claimed to have
enjoyed 'the really quite excellent music' and went on to win
high-paying jobs organising opening ceremonies at the Olympic
Games. As I said: 'considerable danger to your mental health'...