Boogers
The Booger cheer: Pick it! Lick it! Roll it! Flick it!
In an effort to explain my fascination with this "boogery
subject" I will recount a story to you. There was a little girl
who loved to read and she found, in a book of poetry, a
children's booger poem. It was about a snaggled toothed snail
that lives in everyone's nose. Now this snail, if you are
careless enough to stick your finger too far up inside your
nose, will bite the end of your finger off. I, of course, am
that little girl, and you would have paid good money the first
time I met a man with his finger amputated. I could not take my
eyes off him. I asked to feel his finger, and finally, unable to
contain myself, I asked innocently, "Did it hurt when the snail
bit you?" The man had no idea what I was talking about. My dad
had to explain to the man, and as I grew up, an idea began to
form.
Years ago, just after getting out of college, I worked at a
children's home for a while. It was very satisfying work because
it was helping abused, unloved, unhappy, and confused kids
regain a perspective on life. I loved each one of them. I did
notice one thing though. All kids love to talk about boogers.
Boys especially love them, and they have a great time chasing
girls around with them. It is ironic that later in life, the
girls chase the boys, trying to catch them to wipe their noses.
I was soon using the idea I had begun to form to entertain these
children. Each afternoon, I would sit and make up a tale about
each type of booger, giving them adventures from which the
boogers would barely escape with their color. Eventually it
became necessary to introduce the newer children to the world of
boogers. This is the result:
Did you know there are seven distinct families or types of
boogers? Oh, yes, let me introduce them to you. They are red,
flakey, hard, green, gummy, sticky, and yellow. Okay, so now you
know the seven types, and, no, I did not adapt this from the
seven dwarves. There is no princess in this story and no
hankies. If you don't have a hanky, let me give you a
suggestion, go get one. Boogers are an empathetic lot, and if
you talk about one of them you talk about all of them. So if you
notice your nose running as you read this, BE PREPARED.
Each type of booger has distinct characteristics. I feel it is
important for you to know them so you may properly identify what
you have captured from your nose. Let's start with red ones. Red
boogers are usually caused when someone has become over anxious
and shoved his finger far enough up his nose to make contact
with his brain. The result is a certain amount of blood mixes
with the forming boogers. Hence we end up with some very dark
red boogers. These booger babies can be dangerous. First:
because trying to remove them may cause further damage to the
wound you created as you pushed ever deeper, and second, the
fact that giving birth to anything can be painful. Red boogers
are usually short-lived and cause very little problem. It should
also be noted that unless due care is taken, repeated insertions
of the fingers may result in severe pain and possibly brain
damage.
One thing concerning boogers I have forgotten to explain to
you: each family of booger has several relatives; these are
boogers that share characteristics. This is most noticeable with
the hard ones which when examined closely reveal a kinship with
our next subject. So let's move on to the flakey boogers, which
are related to two of the major groups but would perhaps earn a
spot of their own if they were more common. These multicolored
jewels are usually formed around the exterior of the nose and
are as flakey as the finest pastries (no snacking between meals
please). If they reside just inside the nose (and are male, as
most boogers seem to be), they will actually be hard but sticky
and as such become quite hairy, for as the owner tries to remove
them, he inevitably removes hairs and all. (Ouch!!!)
I would like to skip to the true "hard" kind next. The real
hardcore hard-nosed booger is very tough to deal with. Nasty
little things, indeed, they bury themselves deep within your
nose and force you to dig them out. Hard as diamonds, they will
bring tears to your eyes as you try to catch them, and they try
to escape your search going ever deeper. Hard boogers are the
inspiration of many a young lad. I have even heard that some
children are so enamored of what they call "Snot Rocks," that
they made up songs for them. The song was passed down for safe
keeping and faithfully reproduced in part here. It goes
something like this: "I look up your nose and what do I see?
Snot rocks! Tiny faces looking back at me." Some even swear they
hear tiny voices singing along. It is sad that these real hard
cased boogers hurt so very badly. If you have them frequently,
maybe you really ought to try blowing your nose more often.
Okay, now easing off just a little, let's discuss the simple
green booger. This is by far the most common of the seven types.
Grown in the nose of every child, it is harvested more in a
single day than any other commodity known to man. These little
packets of joy are the ones kids seem to love to use to chase
you. There is nothing remarkable about them, yet they cause more
squeals than all the scary movies made. You just have to love
anything that is so unassuming and yet so powerful. Green
boogers can take on some characteristics of all the other types.
The one telltale identifier is that they are green and usually
have short careers because moms everywhere are alerted to them.
Gummy boogers are basically colorless until they pick up the
color of dirt or some other equally disgusting hint of a hue.
These little blobs can be so much fun, rolled into little balls
and held between finger and thumb you would almost swear they
had opened their little eyes and winked at you. You find them
where you least expect and wish you hadn't. Some adventuresome
young man uses one to stick his paper to the wall. You may see
another absentmindedly using one for a football, and as it sails
across the room, you can almost hear a small yell of glee as it
sticks in some poor girl's hair. They appear to be the most fun
loving of the whole lot. Sometimes I think no day would be
complete without them. In truth, gummy boogers are used more
every day than tooth paste. They also encourage collecting. I
know one young man who has a jar full and has named each and
every one of his little friends.
A related younger brother of the gummy booger is the sticky
booger; these have not completely matured and are drawn out of
the nose in a long string...if you have ever had to remove one
then you know that odd feeling in your stomach that feels like
it has just been turned upside down and the contents have become
totally confused. (Yeech.) I know of no common use for these
because they are so hard to get rid of. Once you have them
trapped, they attach themselves to your finger, hankie, or paper
towel and refuse to budge, not that anybody really wants to
budge them. If left to themselves, they will dry to resemble the
flakey booger. Mostly colorless and totally disgusting, this is
my least liked booger.
Ah, almost done, does that nose feel nice and clean now? Well,
we have one more type to deal with, then we can all go blow our
noses. The yellow booger is slimy and ugly. They seem to inspire
instant dislike. No, they are not related to any particular
ethnic group. They are yellow usually because they are afraid.
Yes, cowards, not to hurt their feelings, but they are
messengers and as such should be brave hearted and know that
occasionally they will have to sacrifice their lives to the
betterment of man. These guys don't show up unless you have some
serious infection, and they, being the way they are, will try to
hide it as long as possible. If you see them, quickly make your
way to see the doctor and do not leave till he tells you that
you will live. Remember with these fellows, it is best to not
start a trading club, keep your own, no sharing.
OKAY! You say, "What is the purpose of this little story?"
Simple, it is gross, and it is nasty, and it can be funny, and
if you talk to kids about it, you will have a quiet audience for
the length of the story. That is between the bursts of laughter.
It helps if you stop occasionally and find one of the kids
absentmindedly picking his nose while you tell the story and
shout "Careful, Billy! If you chase that one too far, the snail
will get your finger!" It is total nonsense, and the kids will
love it. Good luck, and we will send free illustrations if you
wish.
If you smiled, I accomplished my goal; if not, then the only
thing I have lost is feeling the warmth of your smile.