TOPSOIL IN ILLINOIS
ATTENTION: FARMERS, CROP GROWERS AND AGRIBUSINESSES OF ILLINOIS.
A LETTER OF APOLOGY Your planting season will be delayed this
spring. At least half of, if not nearly all of Illinois topsoil
is in my house. You can thank four of my children, their
numerous friends and three domestic pets, (namely canines) for
this predicament. It seems the mild temperatures and melting
snow of last week have created a mud wallow for them. They, in
turn have transported tons of this fine Illinois farmland into
my domicile. I have no idea when or how I will get this dirt
back to you. This may involve bulldozers and rental of heavy
equipment (plus heavy equipment operators to run the darn
things), for which I have no means of paying. If you are
sincerely interested in helping me rectify this matter, you may
contribute to the cause. I do, however, have another proposal in
mind that will benefit us all. I believe I could hold the
farmland ransom, thereby obtaining sufficient funds to correct
this situation. 1. You pay me, 2. I get my house cleaned. 3. You
get your dirt back, 4. You plant and 5. I have money to buy
groceries at harvest time. This solution will definitely
stimulate the economy. There may be a few others who try to
convince you that they are in similar dilemmas. DON'T believe
them. Trust me on this. In order to verify and prove this, I may
notify the Guinness Book of World Records.
Most sincerely,
Karen A. Lech A Very Concerned Citizen