ATTENTION: FARMERS, CROP GROWERS AND AGRIBUSINESSES OF ILLINOIS. A LETTER OF APOLOGY Your planting season will be delayed this spring. At least half of, if not nearly all of Illinois topsoil is in my house. You can thank four of my children, their numerous friends and three domestic pets, (namely canines) for this predicament. It seems the mild temperatures and melting snow of last week have created a mud wallow for them. They, in turn have transported tons of this fine Illinois farmland into my domicile. I have no idea when or how I will get this dirt back to you. This may involve bulldozers and rental of heavy equipment (plus heavy equipment operators to run the darn things), for which I have no means of paying. If you are sincerely interested in helping me rectify this matter, you may contribute to the cause. I do, however, have another proposal in mind that will benefit us all. I believe I could hold the farmland ransom, thereby obtaining sufficient funds to correct this situation. 1. You pay me, 2. I get my house cleaned. 3. You get your dirt back, 4. You plant and 5. I have money to buy groceries at harvest time. This solution will definitely stimulate the economy. There may be a few others who try to convince you that they are in similar dilemmas. DON'T believe them. Trust me on this. In order to verify and prove this, I may notify the Guinness Book of World Records. Most sincerely, Karen A. Lech A Very Concerned Citizen