DING DONG IT'S DECEMBER!
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005
DING DONG IT'S DECEMBER!
Or, time to get your buzzer fixed before friends arrive for some
Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl
December is the 12th month of the calendar year. Time to wrap
things up, because whether you've been naughty or nice, it's too
late now. On second thought, perhaps the rotund fellow in the
red suit, with the white beard and whiskers will be the best
judge of that!
So, in the meantime, practice a bit of re-gifting. Besides, it's
a fine way to palm off those never used gifts like the Laughing
Buddha candle from great Aunt Jessie or the gargoyle spout you
got from cousin Horace in Mauritania or maybe it was Tasmania).
If that doesn't turn your crank, try humming a few seasonal
songs or just knocking back a few eggnogs. And if that doesn't
get you in the spirit, go to your favorite cheapskate store and
pick up some crazy thingies to stuff those stockings. What you
don't have a stocking?
And last but not least...grab some holly, some ivy, or some
mistletoe ...for a bit of Ho-Ho-Ho at your front door!!
So, without further ado...here are some ways to celebrate the 31
days of good cheer and good times before the end of this year!
December 1 - National Ear Muff Day (A fine way to honor
those colorful wooly wrappers that keep the cold out and let
everyone now how really weird your are!)
December 2 - National Red Crayon Day (This is the day you
get to write whatever you want with a "red" crayon, and no one
can send you to the naughty stool, so there!)
December 3 - Hot Chocolate/Hot Toddy Day (Time to honor
those marvelous moo-moos or titillating tipples that make life
worth living when everything's going to heck in a hand-basket!)
December 4 - Cook Someone's Goose Day (A great way to
celebrate plucking feathers...so who's the lucky little critter
on your wish list?)
December 5 - One Minute Christmas Carols or Nursery
Rhymes (Time to recite your favorite ditty in 60 seconds or
less; not recommended for those who didn't graduate from
December 6 - Pin the Antlers on the Reindeer Day (In
honor of an old world creature whose only reason for being is
hauling Santa's sleigh around one day a year).
December 7 - Elf Appreciation Day (It's time to pay
tribute to all the weary wee ones working overtime at the North
Pole in Santa's workshop; they're considering joining a union to
improve their working conditions).
December 8 - Festive Decorating Day (Time to haul out all
the boxes of balls, braids, and bright lights...along with those
fake smiles your boss or the HR Dept. have requested).
December 9 - Sagittarius Appreciation Day (A day to honor
all the happy-go-lucky, fair-minded archers of zodiac who
blunder, miss their target, or fail to plan adequately).
December 10 - Let's Talk Turkey Day (Time to kvetch about
who has the best turkey-dressing recipe, and why kids go berserk
when they find out you stuffed "Big Bird" in the oven!)
December 11 - Waffle & Whiffle Appreciation Day (In
recognition of any colleague, friend or family member who
wanders off topic or says 25 words when one will do thank you).
December 12 - Mistletoe Appreciation Day (Time to hunt
for greenery, practice puckering your lips, and find a willing
bill and coo partner...now come out from under the green
peppers, sprouts or the head of leaf lettuce will you!)
December 13 - Partridge in a Pear Tree Day (In honor of
any strange clucking birds who are loafing about not to mention
perching on your favorite fruit tree in the front yard).
December 14 - Two Turtle Doves Awareness Day (In
recognition of Bird-Watchers Anonymous who're keeping a close
eye on the cooing creatures who've taken up residence on the
December 15 - Three French Hens Day (In honor of all
those fancy French-talking, billet-doux types who never use a
bidet, but never hesitate to leave their mark on front lawns).
December 16 - Four Calling Birds Day (In honor of all the
wretched hooting and hollering feathered friends who were never
invited to camp out on the front lawn in the first place) .
December 17 - Five Golden Rings Day (It's time to
celebrate the Winter Olympics early, or perhaps it's a great
excuse to use them to wring the necks of those crazy creatures
making a frightful mess on the front lawn).
December 18 - Six Geese A-Laying Day (Chickens are one
thing, especially when they're fried...but those gaggling geese
won't even do a good turn by laying a great big golden egg for
December 19 - Seven Swans A-Swimming Day (Oh no, more
blessed birds that mate for life...and this time they've taken
over the swimming pool....when will it ever end?)
December 20 - Eight Maids A-Milking Day (As if the birds
on the front lawn aren't enough, now the cows have decided to
move in, and the maids aren't helping matters!)
December 21 - Nine Ladies Dancing Day (The milk maids are
quite productive, but now there are some scantily-clad females
kicking up their heels on the front lawn, disturbing the cows so
they don't give milk and now the bleeping birds are pooping
December 22 - Ten Lords A-Leaping Day (What's with the
royal court these days, can't they keep their posh progeny at
home instead of letting them run amok on the front lawn with the
moostruck maids and merry-making mavens, not to mention the
blessed birds and sacred cows!!)
December 23 - Eleven Pipers Piping Day (All hell is
breaking loose as a band of bagpipers...wearing not a stitch
beneath their kilts... has descended on the front lawn, scaring
the maids and mavens half to death, and sending the birds and
cows into a frenzy, so neither the SPCA nor the petting zoo will
December 24 - Twelve Drummers Drumming Day (With the
arrival of a sweet-grass smoking shaman with an entourage
calling themselves, "The Damned Drum Corps", the front lawn has
turned into a great big gong show; the police have now ordered
10 paddy wagons and a fire-truck, while the Mayor, as a last
resort, has read the Riot Act banning all garden parties!)
December 25 - Merry Mirth Day (A terrific day to give
yourself lots of big hugs, big presents, and tell anyone who
gives you a bad time to sit on the naughty stool!)
December 26 - Wassail Appreciation Day (Time to visit
friends and family to hit them up for free drinks, a free meal,
and a promise to tell clean jokes all day long).
December 27 - Whistle While You Work Day (A great way to
recognize the valuable contribution made by pro-active
fellowship in the workplace).
December 28 - Cranberry Recognition Day (Time to say
thanks to the ripsnorting red berry that's great in cocktails,
cakes, and as a spunky sauce to liven up the next week of turkey
December 29 - Swoosh & Thonk Day (A great way to honor
all manner of awkward or inept positions that make you look
quite foolish on a ski hill or a skating rink)
December 30 - Yeti/Abominable Snowman Appreciation Day
(Time to honor the invention of the shovel, spade or snowblower
to get rid of the frigging flakes that have piled up so you
can't get out of your abode, get kids to school, and be off to
December 31 - New Year's Eve (Now you can host one big
party ...to celebrate all the things you've left undone on your
"to-do" list this year!)