Clothesline Fresh - Country Myth Breaker # 17
Clothesline fresh, country fresh scent, smells like a country
garden, those of us from the city have all seen our share of
country clad laundry soap commercials. The token red barn glows
in the distance. Closer in, clothes adorn the line.
Each piece is so straight and evenly spaced you'd believe a team
of sophomore geometry students hung them as their final class
projects. Even more perfect, the lightest of breezes launches an
'oh so soft' billow along the stain free front row.
Even I think, who wouldn't want their clothes to be clothesline
fresh? And, don't those people own underwear? Ahhhh! I use my
clothesline. I must. There is not a man in the five-state region
willing to rise to the challenge of touching my daunting propane
line and antiquated fuse box. Like my outhouse, my dryer is
purely ornamental.
Despite this forced march to my clothesline the results can be
startlingly adequate. Yet as a good Cidiot (city idiot), It
would be negligent of me if I did not point out a few hazards of
clotheslines to budding country converts. Beware, hanging your
skivvies in the wild is not all its cracked up to be. Consider
these dilemmas.
Seven of Ten Birds Prefer to Defecate Out of Doors - Avian
species have a remarkable instinct for textile quality. Anyone
doubting this should hang their Thai Silk robe on one end of the
clothesline. Put a flannel shirt on the opposite side. At the
end of the day tally the results.
Sheets Attract Wind - Kids have a new kite? You can plan your
day around it, guaranteed! Just wash your bedding in the morning
and place it on your line. Rest assured, Mariah herself will
blast through your backyard. Kites, bedding, lingerie, pugs -
anything with a flat surface will dance its way through the sky,
only to impale itself in full display atop the silo of your
local feed mill.
Remember the One Foot Rule - Most educated people know the three
second rule. No matter where in your home you drop a piece of
silverware, if you can retrieve it in three seconds or less you
can eat off it without rinsing first. The one-foot rule,
however, is only taught in rural school districts. It goes like
this: Any textile on a clothesline that sags to within 12 inches
of sweet Mother Earth, via the wind or any other means, must
immediately be scent marked by every male canine (dogs, coyotes,
wolves or prairie dogs) inside a three mile radius.
Animals Have Hair - Strangely enough farms are inundated with
animals. Go figure. With all due respect to clothespins, they do
little to remove hair. It takes four fabric softener sheets and
a small nuclear plant to fluff out an intricate weaving of fur
and feathers. During the spring shed I keep a HAZMAT team on
stand by just to clean my lint traps.
Remodeling Your House? - You can save a fortune in costly
building materials. Just hang your cotton towels out to dry on
the clothesline. Not only will they dry stiff enough to be use
as support beams, the bird shit will act as an adhesive for
roofing projects.
Remember on that warm spring day, when the cottonwoods are
spawning and your best angora sweater has just hit the line,
imagine, within a matter of hours it will be more than you ever
dreamed possible. And, as always, it will smell 'clothesline
fresh!'