WANTED: SUPERWOMAN/MAN
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
WANTED: SUPERWOMAN/MAN
Or, if you can leap tall piles of filing in a single bound and
save someone's bacon...you're hired!
By Theolonius McTavish, a Superman aficionado of sorts, and
an acquaintance of someone called the "Guru of Glitch",
(who can transform mountains into molehills with the click of
his glass slippers and whoosh of his magic wand if feels really
inspired).
The following advertisement appeared in the local newspaper of a
quaint community known to be the capital of flakes, fruits, and
nuts on the West Coast of Canada.
Title: Superwoman/man (2005-30)
Closes: 10/31/2005
Location: Victoria , BC (Canada)
Length: Permanent FT
Description:
Are you faster than a Pentium 5 computer? Can you leap tall
piles of filing in a single bound? If so, then read
on......PLACEMENT GROUP VICTORIA is now accepting resumes on
behalf of their client, one of the most well known companies in
Victoria and located in the downtown core. This new full-time
permanent position for a SUPER ASSISTANT is a fantastic
opportunity for someone with the following qualities:
-Multi-tasking is a natural ability and you do it with a smile
-You look forward to balancing your cheque book and it actually
does!
-You're so organized that you don't know what a "junk drawer" is
-Your sense of humour is understood by many
-Your past employers have often commented on your "old fashioned
work ethic"
-Changing a light bulb, ensuring your boss gets to their board
meeting on time, delivery of that last minute order and
analyzing/editing that monthly report are all common daily
occurences that you don't think about twice
-You have an eagerness and enthusiasn about you that is
contagious
-You're proud of your ability to spell.......correctly
-You are able to communicate with all types of individuals
Competitive salary ($30k to $40k) plus excellent benefits
package.
If you believe that you fit this profile, then explain how in
your cover letter that you'll be submitting along with your
resume.
Requirements: * MUST currently reside in the Greater
Victoria area * MUST have a valid driver's licence and reliable
vehicle * Excellent knowledge of Windows, Word, Excel,
PowerPoint (testing to be completed) * Hight accurate (testing
to be completed) * Aptitute for numbers * Strong written and
verbal communication skills * Dedicated and loyal individual
looking for a long term commitment * Thirst for learning and
experiencing new and exciting challenges
Mailing Address: Placement Group, 1027 Pandora Ave,
Victoria, BC (Canada)
Needless to say, the Guru of Glitch, sent along the
following short note to express his enthusiasm in seeking such a
challenging position.
Name: Ovid Publius Hadweenzic IV
Title: SUPERMAN - "GURU OF GLITCH" (...although everyone
prefers to call me "GOG" for short)
Availability: Yesterday, (provided of course I can use my
posh powers of persuasion to convince "The Great Pumpkin"
that Halloween comes but once a year, and that I'm needed the
other 364 days to troubleshoot for trolls and tackle titillating
tasks at your esteemed firm).
Background, Experience & Qualifications:
A contrarian (by nature), and a magna cum laude graduate of the
Druid Academy of Computerized Martial Arts & Feng Shui
(by design), my mentor, Master Whatnot, told me that being fleet
of foot I was probably faster than the speed of light on a slow
day and more endurable than a shooting star in a dense black
hole of a cosmically-impaired universe.
As for leaping over tall piles of filing in a single bound, I
prefer eliminating all the easy solutions first ...like tossing
the blessed bumpf into the proverbial "File 13" ...after which I
do something infinitely more productive and pleasant, (a
ripsnorting ritual known as "jumping for joy").
So, rather than bore you with my achievements (such as my
"Grade 2 McLean's Method of Writing Award), certificates
(my most prized one being, "Communicating With Your Pet
Rock"), handy dandy diplomas (like my rigorous 3-year
program, "Celebrity Pet Grooming & Massage Therapy"),
plus ringing letters of endorsement (from "Mugwumps Anonymous"
and the "Croquet Club of Boring, Maryland"), I think it more
appropriate to summarize my scintillating skill sets:
-- A "Master of Multitasking" - having the legs of a centipede,
the neck of a giraffe, and the tentacles of an octopus certainly
helps me navigate my way through the trials and tribulations of
every day life, not to mention perform mundane tasks like fetch
coffee and water plants, or smile sweetly and kick butt if
required in a tight pinch.
-- "Balancing acts" come second nature to me and, as a
tried-and-true tightwad treasury officer, I never let rubber
cheques bounce around in bank accounts any more than I would
recommend my boss eat another rubber chicken lunch...even if it
is for a good cause!
-- "Junk" - Yuck! I don't eat "junk"-food, I never open
"junk"-mail, and I have certainly never owned a
"junk"-drawer...but I must admit, I do have one small
shortcomingcoming ...the other day I dropped my old clunker off
at a "junk"-yard in order to collect a modest charitable tax
receipt.
-- "Old fashioned work ethic" ...if by that you mean, do I wear
shoes (as opposed to bare feet to work), a clean shirt (as
opposed to a pizza spattered cotton t-shirt), and whistle while
I work (at my 12-hour day minimum wage job that I'm ever so
pleased to have)? ...the answer's a very simple, sharp and
succinct ... "yes".
-- "Changing light bulbs" - no problem, (although I've always
found the "perpetual light of the Lord" to be a longer-lasting
solution to wandering around in the dark than using a light
bulb, a propane lamp or a flickering candle).
-- Spelling and grammar are a passion with me. (I sleep with a
dictionary and thesaurus under my pillow at night -- to keep the
gremlins of grammar at bay, which is probably why I can also
spot at least five typos or spelling errors in your jolly job
description.)
-- Ability to "communicate with all types of individuals", (well
let's just say that I have the eyes of an owl, ears like a
rabbit, a nose the size of an elephant, and speak Pig-Latin
which allows me to slip unnoticed into petting zoos, board
rooms, and political backrooms. I don't really want to toot my
horn or namedrop but, one of my nearest and dearest friends is
none other than "Francis the Talking Mule"!)
And since you're probably wondering about my level of energy,
I've been told that my eagerness and enthusiasm for life is akin
to the "boobonic" plague, (or it's close second cousin, the
pandemic boisterous birdbrain flu. PS: I never use pills -- even
the little blue ones!)
A dedicated serial monogamist, I can assure you that loyalty and
commitment are in my veins, (at least that's what the lady from
Mind's Eye Hynotherapy told me about my past, present and future
lives.)
Let's face it, I'm so hungry for learning more about life,
liberty and the pursuit of happiness that I could eat a horse!
And may I also point out that my thirst for new opportunities
and challenges can never be quenched with a Sprite, a Snapple,
or a sip of Shiraz. (Now pint of Guinness ...well that's an
entirely different matter ...but never on company time!)
In closing, I just want to say that having a giggling Guru of
Glitch on your management team will not only save your bacon
but also trounce any testy troglodytes or truculent trolls who
are looking for a good time at your expense!
Ciao plus a bit of Ta Ta, Pip Pip and All That
Ovid Publius Hadweenzic IV (aka GOG)