10 THINGS YOU NEVER SEEM TO FIND
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
10 THINGS YOU NEVER SEEM TO FIND
Or, wherefore art thou?
By: Theolonius McTavish, a permanently "lost" soul who hangs
out at the "lost-and-found" for companionship, (especially when
he can't remember what he's looking for or where he can find his
reason for being).
There are some things you never seem to find when you're just
meandering along minding your own business, or more to the
point, doing anything to keep your mind off impending disasters
like the arrival of an alien from outer space, a cosmic
collision, or a blessed bill collector from the Big Guy in the
To make things easier on those with failing memories and falling
arches, the following represents a short list of things I've
never been able to find in my entire life.
1. Humble Pie - Few have ever heard of it, fewer have
found the recipe, and still fewer admit to eating it!
2. Heffalumps and Hippogriffs - These are wonderful weird
and wild beasts that no one has ever spotted, captured or been
able to ride side saddle upon.
3. Shangri-la - There may be a lot of posh places on
earth called "Shangri-la", (like saloons, spas, and spendthrift
resorts), but I've never heard of anyone who's happy,
well-adjusted, and contented with life admitting they come from
this enigmatic if not elusive place in the cosmos.
4. One-Eyed-One-Horned-Flying-Purple-People-Eaters - They
do not appear to be listed in any reputable encyclopedia nor are
they found in petting zoos.
5. The Pink Panther - With the exception of a movie by
the same name, this creature appears to shun publicity by
avoiding spunky safari hunters, which leaves only one conclusion
- he'd rather let those dreadful pink flamingos flap their wings
and excite all those camera-toting tourists into behaving like
6. A cow that can jump over the moon - I've never seen a
dairy cow or a sacred cow capable of jumping over a celestial
body of any sort (but then there's always a first time if you
believe that pigs can fly).
7. A silk purse made from a sow's ear - This is another
one of those miracle makeovers they might flog on the Shopping
Channel for only three easy payments of $49.95 plus shipping and
handling...although I'm sure that the SPCA would have a thing or
two to say about such an occurrence not to mention
environmentally-friendly folks from Greenpeace and the Sierra
8. The Great Pumpkin - There are so few friendly fiends
to see on Halloween, that this would be a real winner if anyone
could ever coax this critter out from wherever he's hiding so we
can all dress up in our orange outfits and hum a little ditty to
keep the horrible hobgoblins away plus the testy trolls.
9. Francis the Talking Mule - Most mangy mules I've met
don't talk, don't walk, and don't do what they're asked to do
even if you plead with them nicely, which means if you can find
one that can communicate ...for Pete's sake ask him where to buy
the best burger and ice-cream in town!
10. A Flying Carpet - We may have "frequent flyer points"
but frankly, what good are they without a "flying carpet" to
take you anywhere you want to go?
So rather than fret about the top 10 things I've never seen, I
shall pull the wool over my eyes, and pretend that this is the
best of all possible worlds like my dear friend, Candide!