Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
Or, all you ever wanted to know about lawn mowers but never
dared to ask
By Penelope Bonkles, (formerly of Glutt Lodge in the Olde
Country), inveterate collector of grass-cuttings for the
compost, amateur slug-stomper, and charter member of the
esteemed, "Better Gnomes & Garden Show", held annually in a
quaint if not oddly curious hole-in the-wall of humanity known
as Hell Hollow, New Hampshire.
Cutting grass is generally not something women are expected to
do, any more than they're expected to take out the trash.
But should their significant other become indisposed or expire
without notice, it always pays to be prepared for any
eventuality...including the notion of nipping the grass every
now and then.
Judging from the plethora of pretty if not pithy and practical
gardening publications on the market today, women appear to be
more adept than their counterparts when it comes to planting,
potting, or pitching out stuff that doesn't belong, obscures the
view, or simply clutters up the space.
When it comes to lawns for example, males prefer tranquil tasks
like backyard wrestling with a weed whacker as opposed to
females who prefer manually pulling up things by the roots so
they disappear for good. Males also prefer sitting atop a
turbo-charged, super-cooled engine equipped with a razor-sharp
revolving knife that cuts things off at the knees with glee, as
opposed to women who are somewhat reticent about toying with
testosterone tools or else choose a low-maintenance garden that
has no turf in the first place.
According to the respected repository of rather fascinating
facts and fluff, (Google), there are now 73,200,000 web pages
devoted to gardens, 6,830,000 devoted to "lawns", and 2,390,000
web pages devoted to the "lawn mower".
For those who are keen on learning more about the lawn mower,
they are invited to take a peek at following little gems.
Besides cutting grass, the lawn mower seems to have acquired a
new lease on life.
The Americans and British, not content just to cut lawns in
their own backyards, are fiercely competing in an alternative
racing sport. Associations have now been established for those
wishing to race their sleek, mean, lawn-mower machines in order
to secure red ribbons, tacky trophies, "honorable mentions" or
And trust the Brits to one-up everyone by creating the
"British Lawnmower Museum", home to more than 200 vintage
machines designed to trim lawns if not whiskers! They also claim
to have established the world's first lawn mower club for
lawnmower collectors, (called "The Old Lawnmower Club"
Not to be outdone by a boisterous band of British know-it-alls,
the Americans have now come up with practical pointers, helpful
hints, and tried-and-true tips on "putting your lawnmower to
bed" (at the end of the grass-cutting season...what else did
For those not content to own a trendy tool that simply shortens
the sod inconspicuously, they can invest in a new-fangled
"multitasking" machine called a "mulch mower". Otherwise,
they can always learn how to convert their marvelous muncher
into a snow blower or a generator when the power goes
out...(except that no one has as yet figured out how to keep it
running without some sort of fuel).
Some enterprising video game designers have even come up with a
way to make a lawn mower fly, (which might be a boon to those
collecting frequent-flyer points or parents concerned with
reducing the number of wicked witches whirling about on
However, much as human ingenuity has devised a way to keep lawns
slim and trim, environmentalists now tell us that grass-cutting
beats driving as a significant source of air-pollution, while
health officials tell us that exposure to the sound of a power
lawn mower or hair-dryer (90 db) may cause hearing loss, and
safety professionals inform us that more than 2,300 children in
the U.S. are seriously injured every year by riding and pushing
So next time your deary drops out of sight, (either temporarily
or permanently), and you're stuck with how to manicure your
green carpet ...first decide whether you wish to push, walk
behind, or ride your lawn mower; then decide if you really need
to find out exactly what all those bells and whistles do besides
decorate the blessed beast.
On the other hand, maybe it's time to try some new technology.
Why not turn on the remote control and leave the rest to a
ripsnorting robot, (who won't complain, curse, or cut you off at