10 THINGS NOT TO LEAVE IN POCKETS
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
10 THINGS NOT TO LEAVE IN POCKETS
Or why these facts are important to good mental & physical
Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., Professor of Pith n' Vinegar,
(and an avid reader of paltry poetry by a little-known and quite
inept weaver-of-wool from a small Welsh village that few can
Academic research can be a tad boring, (especially to those
whose cerebellums do not resemble the shape of an egg or a pear).
Every now and then however, investigation into the obvious or
even obscure things in life often yields some rather fascinating
data. These findings may delight even those with few
opportunities to exercise their intelligent genes by demanding
they use "smart" appliances, consume "smarties", drive "smart"
cars, or become a card-carrying member of the "Smarty-Pants"
For those who've been dubbed "factoid freaks" by family members
and friends, they'll be delighted to know that there are
23,500,000 web pages devoted to "pockets", and only 1,090 web
pages devoted to "things in pockets". (Note: For those who
couldn't give a hoot, they should probably stop right here, find
a nearby loo, and plunge into the next page of "Uncle John's
Careful study of all manner of things left behind in pockets,
reveals some interesting results and some clear recommendations
as to what stuff should be removed from pockets prior to the
peering eyes of strangers or perhaps the more common process
known as the weekly wash cycle.
Exhaustive research into the contents of pockets suggests that
the following items should be left elsewhere, given to another
for care, or at least removed so as to avoid senseless
embarrassment when discovered by eyes belonging to someone other
than the owner of said pocket.
Ten things that should not be left in pockets:
1. Animals (dead or alive), as they tend to remind
strangers that nature is wild but not always a sight to behold!
2. Food (half-consumed or otherwise), is likely to invite
uninvited guests such as ants, fruit flies or maggots, (you know
the wild critters that have never been domesticated, let alone
placed in a zoo to be admired by masses of inquisitive children
and indifferent parents who are bored out of their gourds and
yearning for the opportunity to watch another soap opera episode
or hunker down as an armchair coach on a boob-tube game night).
3. Seductive scraps of paper such as billet doux,
love-sonnets, or torrid email memos, (all of these things
usually lead to sticky-wicket stuff akin to explaining why you
enjoy playing hockey in the buff, why you strap on web-feet, and
why you have a penchant for sweet meats when you're a dedicated
4. Chocolate bars, jellybeans, and licorice, (all are
designed to leave a colorful mess behind not to mention attract
crumbs, fluff and unidentified hairs that alter the flavor of
what was once a pleasant distraction or diversion for tawdry
5. Photographs of flames, (for those who should know
better...the combustible compromising type); Warning: they will
undoubtedly burn a hole in one's garment if left unattended for
any length of time).
6. Wise words of wisdom, (after all if they have to be
committed to paper, you haven't grasped them to the bosom of
your heart and clearly they should remain in the Book of the Dun
Cow from whence you found them ...until you can improve your
7. Band-Aids (while they offer "quick-fixes", try
focusing on problems that have no solutions, then you won't feel
obliged to resort to them unless of course you like playing
"doctor" or "nurse", in which case you should probably find a
more lucrative thing to push such as prescription medications or
miracle makeovers for only $9,999 plus a short stay in an exotic
spa and resort -- that also has elephants for your companion to
ride or invite into the living room whichever comes first).
8. Loose pills, (this is a recipe for disaster because
with your short-term memory loss, you'll forget what "the little
blue one" is for and may, in a fit of compassion, offer it to
your mood-disordered pet Pomeranian named "Fifi", (who may not
appreciate the consequence of your altruistic gesture).
9. Tissues (whether soiled or unused), inevitably break
down into itty-bitty bothersome pieces of picayune piffle that
slosh about with a variety of unmentionables during the wash
cycle and then cling with all their might to unmentionables
again during the dry cycle in spite of the fragrant non-static
solutions said to solve this problem...which they don't!)
10. Miniature voodoo dolls, weekly horoscopes, or "Get out of
Jail Free" cards, (frankly they won't save you from a fate
worse than death, nor offer you salvation if you've been a
naughty nemesis; so, why not try befriending a troll or a
dragon...they do a better job than carrying around these silly