WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS...
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS...
Or, learn how to flog fruit and at least lob the losers!
Theolonius McTavish, a lemonade-stand sales rep at the tender
age of five, a used car salesman at the testy age of 20, and now
a paltry pie-maker just a tad too old to remember the darn
A quick glance at the phrase, "When life gives you
lemons", leaves a lot to be desired.
Actually, these five words have spawned more than 119,000 web
pages devoted to this tarty topic.
So, if you're looking for advice on what to do with your lemons,
take heart and follow this abbreviated list of suggestions.
When life gives you lemons you should:
-- Start your own unforgettable "lemonade experience".
-- Just shut up and eat your damn lemons.
-- Do a little research on where they came from and who grows
them. (Sources all agree that lemons originated from somewhere
in Asia; today, America claims to grow a quarter of the world's
supply, and California is said to be the biggest producer ...no
wonder they call it the "The Land of Posh n' Pits"!)
-- The Ethical Werewolf recommends that you throw them at
-- Stop snivelling and just sell'em on eBay!
-- Make something called "Visualade".
-- Donate them to a school food-drive, (someone's bound to pick
-- Make a battery out of them and harness electricity for pity's
-- Go to a "limoncello factory" in Amalfi, Italy where
they whip up lemon salads.
-- Turn around and squirt it in the eye of your nemesis.
-- Throw them through life's windows (for those who have nothing
else to do).
-- Ask for a diet drink to put them in.
-- Turn them into a profit just like Martha Stewart did!
-- Become a lemonologist, (that way you can polish furniture
with the oil).
-- Remember that God loves the yellow ones as much as the little
green ones, (but it might have helped if he'd also supplied the
water, sugar, a few spare ice-cubes, a pitcher to mix it in, a
spoon to stir it and of course a glass from which to sip it!)
-- Jump on the optimist's bandwagon by building resilience and
forging your way to success in whatever you're pursuing, (even
if it doesn't make you King of the Castle forever and ever or
produce mounds of money like Rumplestiltskin!)
-- Pick up a get-well or care package, (provided they still have
them in stock).
-- Make lemonade and be sure to share it with others, (just to
let them know how much you care about the bitter things in life
that seem to come with an unexpected cost attached).
-- Call your husband to come home right away and then make
lemon-colored frosting, (to decorate whatever you've got lying
around in the fridge)!
-- SMILE, return the lemons to the person who presented them to
you, and then ask for the oranges that you requested in the
-- Switch to limes and try a mean margarita, chips and salsa!
(Oh, and do bring along a pair of dancing shoes...no not your
big brogues or steel-toed stilettos!)
-- Get tipsy, (and just say no when the bartender inquires
whether you want "bitters" with your brew or bubbly).
-- Buy all your lemons at Sobey's! (If you don't have one in
your neighborhood, contact them and find out when they plan on
opening up a shop with lemons in your neck of the woods!)
-- Have another root beer, (and maybe lemons will make you burp
-- Pucker up! (Or at least show them who has Pucker Power in
-- Use a gadget called a "zester", (to remove lemon peels what
-- If you fancy yourself a bit of a wizard ... you can always
use your abracadabra skills to make orange juice of course!
-- Smash them with a heavy KB and hope for the best, (according
to a dedicated dragon door strength conditioning martial arts
-- Say "****-off" and go to bed! (For those with short attention
spans and few alternative-dispute resolution mechanisms to deal
with difficult dilemmas or dorks of course).
-- Go shopping with a valid credit card! (And avoid
yellow...it's not your color!)
-- Sue - it makes lawyers rich and leave schmucks like you with
a sour taste in your mouth! (So quit complaining and invest your
money in sugar; even if your all teeth fall out, your taste buds
will be happy).
-- Find a politician and a lawyer who want to perform a "public
service"; then ask them to draft and enact a "computer lemon
law" entitling consumers to timely replacement of their personal
computers if manufacturers can't fix them and requires
manufacturers to pay claimants' legal fees as well as any
expenses incurred in resolving their claims. (Isn't this is a
great opportunity to turn the tables on flashy floggers of
-- When all else fails suck them, (recommended by someone
calling himself "A Digital Dude who loves lemons").
-- Never forget to get your daily dose of cold, refreshing lemon
juice, it's full of vitamin C, (according to a healthy food fare
-- Be quiet and eat your lemons, (just like grown-ups do who
have no other way of proving their courage, fortitude and
mastery of the basic food groups.)
-- Make "Snickers" because they taste a whole lot better than
lemonade, (a recommendation from a grade two student in Miss
-- Eat more gelato, (from a contributor named "Quark" in the
-- Say thank you and run, (from an anonymous online bulletin
-- Just add some vodka and have a party, (definitely not
submitted by a party-pooper!)
-- Watch a Frogcatcher Film titled, "When Life Gives You
Lemons", that parodies the world of unemployed white-collar
workers (...who better than a few loafers to tell a lemon-aid
-- Ask yourself what Eeyore would have done to resolve this muss
of a mess ...after all didn't he say, "They're funny things,
Accidents. You never have them till you're having them".
-- And if all else fails, try reading the twelfth volume in
"A Series of Unfortunate Events" by Lemony Snicket, a
hermit and a nomad who wishes everyone nothing but the best,
(after spending an inordinate amount of time investigating and
reporting upon woeful things that most people are better off