Toilet Seat Down
In Europe there is an 'anti-sprinkle' movement, the goal of
which is to encourage men to sit down when they pee, and thus
avoid the sprinkle effect. Restrooms in all the countries across
the continent have signs urging men to be thoughtful gentlemen
and sit down when they do their business. My brother-in-law, a
German lawyer, as with many European men, now sits down when he
conducts his business. Because he's always been a thoughtful
Ladies, don't get your hopes up because that's never going to
happen in America. Men in the states are going to continue to
stand, and they're going to continue to sprinkle, and you - I'm
sorry to say - are going to continue to clean up these
sprinkles. Because they won't do it themselves.
It's certainly a cultural thing as we see in the above example
of my brother-in-law and all those other European men. Part of
being a man here in America is that you stand when you urinate,
since you are not a woman and women, we know, pee sitting down.
Indeed there is something intrinsically powerful about peeing
standing up and the more elevated you are the more powerful you
feel. In fact, nothing feels more powerful than peeing off of a
roof ... um, I've been told.
In the war of the toilet seat lids I have finally decided that
toilet lids should both be down when the toilet is not being
used. Wait, here me out, guys. I'm not betraying my gender -
much. There are very good reasons to have the lids down, and
none of them have to do with being nagged to death if you don't.
Number One: You don't want the dog drinking out of the toilet
bowl. Don't have a dog? You might get one and it's good practice
for you in the meantime so that you get into the habit. Or you
might have a friend with a dog visit you unannounced, and you
want to be prepared for that. By the way, if you have a really
big dog, it should be both lids down with a brick on top of
them. They find the cool water, perfectly positioned for them to
drink from, irresistable - especially when their lazy master has
forgotten to refill their water bowl.
Number Two: You can accidentally drop things into an open
toilet. Do you like fishing your tooth-brush out of the toilet?
Or for that matter, do you like fishing anything out of it at
Number Three: It's bad Feng Shui. Okay. I'm a little bit out of
my element on this one, but as I understand it, Chi energy or
the life force naturally flows towards water and you just don't
want all of your Chi energy going down the toilet. It's bad,
believe me. To counteract this you need to either have a growing
plant on the back of your toilet (draws the life force up), or
you need a bowl of rice. My choice was the plant, because if you
have a bowl of rice on your crapper people think you've been
eating rice in your bathroom, and that's kind of hard to explain
Number Four: Maybe this is just me, but I've always found an
open bowl of toilet water kind of scary looking. Alligators or
Norwegian Sewer rats could jump out of it at any time. And the
water itself leads directly to the dark depths of the underworld
and I'd just rather see it covered and not have to think about
Number Five: It actually is a polite thing to do for a woman,
you know like holding a door for her, or pulling out a chair for
her at a restaurant, or helping her put on her coat, or other
polite things like that. Don't want to be polite? Fine. I just
gave you four other perfectly sound reasons why you should do
If you do happen to be a man who lives alone and has no friends
or dogs or visitor and never plans on having any of those ...
well, I feel sorry for you. None of the above applies to you.
But in that case, you really should get a dog because, Buddy,
you really need a little companionship. Just make sure you get a
small dog that can't get it's head into to that open toilet of