Vegetarian Stand-Up Comedian
Vegetarian Stand-Up Comedian
I absolutely admire the comedy of Bill Hicks. He manages to
create something amusing and funny out of many issues. He does
this in various ways, including being "raunchy" about the
subject. He also talks a great deal about politics. But, he
doesn't just talk about them -- he makes them amusing and
hilarious. So, I had an interesting thought. Would it be
possible to recreate the style of Bill Hicks, but do it
defending something radical and opposed to by the majority of
the public? So, I thought I'd write a stand-up comedy routine on
behalf of Vegetarianism, but mostly for comedy value, while not
losing intellectual worth. And, here is that routine. Enjoy!
You know what I always hear from people who eat meat... Yeah,
I'm talking to you out there. I always get this for some reason.
They say, "Animals eat each other, so we should be able to eat
them." Yeah, well, you know what? Animals have sex with each
other all the time. In fact, the whole world is like this
sprawling Ron Jeremiah porn video, except with more story.
And... what's to say I shouldn't be able to get some of that
action, eh? I'm sure I'll be able to meet this cheetah who tells
me he's in to bondage and wants to go down on me faster than a
gazelle in pursuit.
Something else I hear often from these same people. They seem
to feel very content when they're telling me how good meat
tastes. I'll be chewing on french fries while I hear this 400
pounder eating a quarter pounder, telling me how much he loves
meat. And between the wheezing and the snorting, I can make out
this voice coming out from this man, "Meat tastes good. Mmmmm, I
love meat." Half an hour later, five guys are trucking this guy
to the nearest hospital. I was there with him, too, when he had
the heart attack. I told him, I said this, "You really need to
let go of things that don't love you back."
He'd try to moralize with me, "Hey, man, you really gotta eat
meat, it tastes great." I'd reply like any sane person, "I
actually appreciate the health benefits of Vegetarianism." The
guy gets all upset, and tells me in his loudest voice, "You
know, Vegetarians have heartattacks, too!" I thought for a while
and said, "Yeah, that's true. But when I have a heart attack, I
won't need an emergency lyposuction to get through the hospital
Needless to say, he goes back to his old argument. "Meat is
good. I love it. It tastes great. Here, you gotta try it! Just a
little piece!" I'm like, "Get the fuck away from me, man. You're
in the hospital for having a heart attack from eating that shit,
and you want me to get sucked into that plague?" I'll tell him
how it is, "Dude, you wouldn't eat it if it didn't taste good?"
He nods. So, I tell him, "Why haven't the doctors removed your
tongue then? If they did that, you'd stand a moderately good
chance of living past thirty, thirty five maybe, by now."
He asks me again, "Why won't you eat it? It tastes good!" I
have to say it like it is. I have principles. I'm sorry that I
don't agree with your philosophy of mass exploitation. I have
morals. Some of you out there might disagree with me. I know it.
What if this guy comes up to you in two weeks, holding a
kentucky fried fetus, or a baby-on-a-stick, and says, "Come on!
Try it! It tastes good!" He'd take this huge gaping bite out of
the torso of that baby-on-a-stick, smile at you with a little
ribbone stuck between his teeth, and then yell again, "It tastes
good! Come on! Try one bite! Just take one hand from my kentucky
fried fetus!" Yeah, I know what you'd all say, "Sorry, man, I
have morals." Yeah, yeah...
I hate hunters. I just simply and downright hate them. Anyone
else here hate them? Yeah, I always hear hunters say, "I think
it's the eternal destiny of humanity to live outside, to track,
and to hunt, as part of our heritage." I took another look at
this guy. The rancid stench of beer and baccon is on his breath,
forming into this meld of what may very well be Calvin Klein's
next scent. His hands are covered in fur, or... some type of
moss, not sure which. I don't see how he could hunt very well,
since his beard is so long, I bet he has trouble not tripping on
it. His eyes are close together, he's hunched over, and... I
just gotta say it to him, "You know, dude, I don't think you and
I are from the same species. Plain and simple. You're a fuckin'
neanderthal that comes out of the hills to hunt and kill when
knocking up your sister gets boring. Go back to your cave and
leave those poor creatures alone."
He'd get all pissy and, say again, "It's the eternal destiny of
the human species to hunt!" Judging from this guy, I knew he
wasn't going to say that it's our "eternal destiny of the human
species" to do something like, say, read books.
A few meat eaters will come up to me and say something like,
"We're superior. Mankind is superior to animals and we have the
right to do what we want with them. We're stronger, we're
smarter, we're superior." For a few moments I was bit confused.
"Wait a minute," I said, "I've heard this argument before.
Yeah... I've definitely heard it before. It was coming out of a
speech made in the 1930's in Germany... Yeah, I didn't like the
argument then and I really don't like it's new form very much
"No, seriously, we are superior, so we can do what we want with
them," they keep saying. Apparently, this superior being failed
to make a rather simple connection with what I just said. So, I
try a different route with them, "Hey, you know who I'm superior
to? Babies. Man, they're so inferior to me. Dude, they can't
even walk and you think I should respect their rights? Hell no.
Come on, get a Kentucky Fried Fetus with me. Dude, they taste
good! Just one bite!" Yeah, I used a very simple piece of
reasoning there. He'd say something like, "But a baby is going
to become smart!" Doesn't matter. Doesn't fuckin' matter. Does
that mean we can go to a school for mentally retarded and just
have a barbecue? Mentally, I am superior to them, too. In fact,
I think I'm superior to this guy talking to me. "Does that mean
it's okay that I hack off your head and just suck out the blood
from your veins?" He didn't like that idea, either. But, it
didn't matter. I think he was shot latter that day accidentally
by the hunter.
And then there's my favorite argument of all time. "If we
stopped killing them, they'd overrun the planet." I love that
argument. Yeah, it doesn't matter that humanity is BREEDING COWS
AND CHICKENS AND PIGS BY THE BILLION. I mean, this totally
contradicts the argument that humans are mentally superior. This
jerkoff thinks, "Hey, if they don't kill them so we can eat
them, I'm sure they'll still keep breeding them en mass, not
knowing the dire consequences that lay ahead." Let's make a
fuckin' post-it note right now. It can say something like, "If
you don't eat them, don't breed them." I'm sure most of you
would agree with that logic, but I'd prefer something far more
simple and easy, like, "You're fuckin' stupid," or "Don't talk
I'd be in line one day ordering a tofu dog, and then I hear
some fatass from behind yelling, "Hey, you're not saving any
animals here." I turn around and, hey! It's our friend from the
hospital. "How are your stretch marks feeling?" I'd ask him.
He'd start up a new argument with me. "Yeah, it's okay to eat
animals because it's part of natural selection! It's the cycle
of life!" Really? Is it the cycle of life? This from a man who
would eat a kentucky fried fetus if tasted good. "Wow, I didn't
expect you to go all scientific with that argument," I told him.
Really. It's the Cycle of Life. Does anyone here really believe
that? I told the guy, I said, "Look... When those doctors
decided to save your life when you had a heart attack, maybe
they should have said, 'whoa whoa whoa, stand back... this IS
the cycle of life -- fat fucker had it coming.'"
This guy won't stop. "Humans have teeth made for eating meat!"
Really? Well, how else are we supposed to eat a kentucky fried
fetus or a baby-on-a-stick? Do you think you can crush that tiny
ribcage with just your tongue? Come on, people, reason with me!
If teeth are made for eating meat, why discriminate? Oh, come
on, ya' bunch of racists. Well, okay, so, we can use things for
what they're made for. Teeth are made for eating flesh, guns are
made for shooting, and bombs are made for exploding. I mean, if
I really gave this guy a bomb, disguised as a cheeseburger,
would I be doing anything, but using it for what it was made
for? Jeeze, I could see that guy just crunch into that burger
like it was japanese folding paper version of a burger. He
doesn't even have his real teeth anymore, that was just an
argument. He has the jaws of life put into his mouth, just like
that anti-hero in the James Bond movies. I tell ya', he'd take
one bite into that cheeseburger bomb and his head would fuckin'
explode. The little pieces of flesh and gray matter would
immediately be deep fried in his honor.
So, finally, this guy says, "But, an animal is already dead.
I'm not killing it. If it's dead, it's okay to eat." I looked
this guy over, "Dude, you barely pass for living. You had a
heart attack a month ago. Your blood pressure is 350 over 120.
Your heart beats so fast, I can hear you getting fatter from a
mile away. I just put my ear to the side of the curb and I hear
this thud noise."
I try to narrow down his argument a bit more. He says, if it's
dead, he's not killing it, and it's okay to eat. Oh, wait a
minute... Let me make a phone call to 1960. "Yeah, Martin Luther
King, apparently... if you stop riding the buses, they're still
going to be opposed to treating Africans equally. No, no, this
mountain of a human being told me.... Yeah, by the way, there's
this time where you have to be careful because someone is --
hello? Hello?" Fuckin' lord of the civil rights movement hangs
up on me because I tell him that boycotting is useless. Before I
could warn him of the assassination attempt, too.
For Life, Punkerslut