The Script About My Ass
Does anyone remember those early high school days? You know,
the time when most of us started to discover the opposite sex in
ernest, but we still weren't completly evolved yet. I can still
remember those early day High School parties that we had.
You know, those parties that you would have at a friends house
where all the guys would gravitate to the kitchen, and all the
girls would gravitate to an up stairs bed room to talk girl
talk. We all thought we were so cool. Some guy would always find
a way to sneak a six pack of beer into the kitchen and another
guy would always have a pack of cigarettes.
We would all take a small glass of beer and light up a cigarette
and talk about what a buzz we were getting. While we were
getting our little beer and cigarette buzz, we would start
talking about what girls we thought were hot. Sometimes I
wondered why the girls came to the party at all, they, always
seemed to be upstairs.
All that changed after a while, but it was a real evolutionary
process. But while we were evolving, sure, all the guys knew
about all the guy talk in the kitchen, but no one ever knew
anything about what the girls were talking about upstairs. Well,
that is almost no one knew.
I overheard a very rare earshot of a conversation I wasn't
supposed to hear. It was all very innocent of course, but rather
interesting. This is how it all happened. I had to use the
I knocked on the door, and one of my friends said, "I'm going to
be in here for a while because I feel like I'm going to puke."
I thought okay, "I will use the upstairs bathroom."
I got almost to the top of the stairs and I heard all kinds of
laughter coming from the girls in the bedroom.
I thought, "I wonder what it is thats so funny that they are
Then I heard one of the girls say, "yeah that Kevin has the
And another girl chimed in, "I couldn't keep my eyes off of his
ass for the entire football game."
I realised then, "They, were talking about my ass."
I thought, "no one cares about all the touch downs I got or all
the great plays I made. They're just watching my ass."
Then another girl yelled, "yeah, I love that back field in
Another girl chimed in, "yeah, I just love seeing Kevin's ass in
those tight football pants."
"I'd love to squeeze those tight bunns," another voice cried out.
And yet another voice said, "I get goose bumbs just thinking
what it would be like to wrap my legs around his tight ass."
Well, at first I was devestated.
I thought, "all that pumping iron, all that hair blowing, all
that expensive cologne."
And what are all the girls looking at? "Its my ass, just my
Then I thought, "well, I better keep this little secret to
I thought, "if I tell anyone I overheard this conversation,
they'll never be able to keep it a secret and it will get back
to the girls."
They kept talking and talking about my ass, but I couldn't
listen any longer, I really did have to use the bathroom. So I
used the bathroom and quietly slipped back down stairs again.
Now I really needed a beer and a cigarette. So, I gulped down an
entire can of beer and had a cigarette. But then I really
started to feel weird.
I thought, "woh, no more of that stuff."
But then I started to think, "hmmm, maybe I can capitalize on
this ass thing."
I applied for a summer job, and the girl said, "oh, sorry, we
have no more openings."
Then she said, "your shoe lace is untied."
I bent down to tie it. And then she said, "oh, I'm sorry, I made
a mistake, we do have an opening."
Now, I'm thinking, "hmmm, is this just a coincidence? Or was she
really checking me out when I bent down to tie my shoe lace?"
Then I would start to notice other little oddites. Everytime I
walked into the office to look for a file I would hear all this
typing. But as soon as I would turn my back and start looking
for a file all the typing would stop. And then as soon as I got
the file and turned around again, the typing would suddenly
"Another strange coincidence," I suppose.
When I got my first paycheck from my summer job, I thought, "its
time to do a little shopping."
Yeah, I was going pants shopping, tight pants shopping.
I thought, hmmm, how tight can I get pants to fit?"
Then I headed out with my new tight pants. Wow, was I getting
I thought, "screw the gym. The heck with pumping iron. I had it
all together in one neat package."
Then school resumed again, and I thought, "hmmmm, I wonder if I
can get my marks boosted a bit higher if I have all female
So, I went in to see the Guidance Counselor, and asked, "could I
have all female teachers?"
"Why do you want all female teachers,?" he asked.
I said, "I seem to pay attention better."
He said, "well, I can give you all female teachers, except for
"Great," I said.
I couldn't beleive the difference. With all female teachers my
marks were soaring. Every once in a while I would drop my pen or
something in class and pick it up real slow just for insurance.
What was really weird though, was that I was getting even better
at football. It started to feel good just thinking that I was
giving the girls a thrill. I felt like they weren't cheering for
the team, but rather they were really cheering for me.
After a while, I kind of even developed a little back field in
motion wiggle. The girls were going wild.
I thought, "hey, if you got it, flaunt it."
When I graduated high school, I was hired by a Wall Street
brokerage firm, but I had to take a medical exam before I could
start working. I looked out the window in the Doctors examining
room in awe at the sky line.
As I marveled at the sites, I felt a hand tap on my shoulder. I
turned my head to see a Nurse standing there.
She said, "I have to take your temperature."
As she held the therometer in her hand I opened my mouth
expecting her to slip it in.
She smiled and said, "no, this isn't going in your mouth."
I asked, "where else can it go?"
She said, "drop your pants and shorts and find out."
I complied and as I layed down on my stomach, I could feel her
stick the therometer up my butt.
She started to chat with me and after a long while, I kind of
wondered to myself, "why is she taking so long to pull the
therometer back out of my butt?"
Just then the Doctor walked in and asked the Nurse, "why are you
taking his temperature in this fashion?"
Her face now a bit blushed, she exclaimed. "oh I had some
medical questions to ask him, and he couldn't answer them if the
therometer was in his mouth."
I thought, "hmmm, medical questions. I couldn't remember her
asking me any medical questions."
Then I thought, "hmmm, another one of those coincidences."
The Doctor asked, "so whats the temperature?"
With that she pulled the therometer from my butt at last, and
said, "your temperature is perfectly normal. And what department
will you be working in?"