HO HO HO MEMO
Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.
HO HO HO MEMORANDUM
TO: All employees
FROM: The Management
DATE: December 2, 2004
RE: Reducing the Unintended Consequences of Getting into "The
Following recommendations from SHE (our Safety, Health and
Enviromental committee), HE (our Helpful Employees Committee)
and FUN (the Federation of Undemonstrative Nations), the
measures outlined below will be implemented immediately thus
ensuring our compliance with guidelines established by FROLIC
(the Federal Revelry Ordinance & Leisure Industry Council)
designed to reduce the unintended consequences of getting into
"The Holiday Spirit".
1. Santa shall be required to wear a red, fire-retardant,
loose-fitting suit with white reflector tape accessories, and a
red fire helmet at all times while on the premises.
2. Employees shall refrain from testing the seating capacity and
weight-bearing strength of any red-suited person in authority
requesting subjects sit on his/her lap.
3. All nutcrackers are now forbidden on the premises as these
items have been identified as a potential security risk and
safety hazard in the hands of untrained personnel (better known
as those with one too many or unaccounted for, loose screws).
4. Fruitcake, shortbread cookies and mince tarts shall be
consumed before the expiry date on the packaging and only in
designated areas such as parking lots, as it has been determined
that crumbs attract undesirable pests including but not limited
to cookie monsters, horrible hobgoblins, overbearing ogres,
testy trolls and wicked witches not to mention placing excess
demands on management (drones), non-union, multi-tasking,
light-housekeeping office personnel (queen bees) and unionized
heavy maintenance staff (worker bees).
5. Snickering-Sybaritic Santas (SSSs) and Red-Nosed Reindeers
(RNRs) if found consuming illegal substances on the job shall be
escorted immediately off site by the Engaging Enforcement Elves
(EEEs), as such conduct has been linked to unhealthy respiration
and transpiration of office plants, inexplicable computer
network crashes, and causing havoc with the smooth operation of
6. Employees shall refrain from using paper shredders to make
aluminum foil tinsel decorations as this has been found to
create an unsightly mess, unnecessary downtime on office
equipment, not to mention major power outages preventing the
convening of gift-exchange gatherings.
7. Employees shall refrain from toasting marshmallows on
radiators, AC power adaptors, or in blast furnaces during break
periods as these puckish practices have been found to encourage
unsafe food preparation practices, contribute to poor eating
habits and, and cause stomach cancer in brownies and boy scouts.
8. Employees shall refrain from composing popular Yuletide tunes
using touch-tone phones, downloading "The Chipmunk Song" as the
default ring tone on cellular telephones or email audio
notification on laptop computers as such lollygagging practices
been found to cause unmitigated stress and partial hearing loss
in lab rats, floor personnel, and middle managers alike.
9. Santa's Helper togs will be permitted on Casual Fridays
provided they comply with the "Corporate colors and dress code
policy". (Note: No spandex shorts, body stockings or birthday
suits will be allowed as these have been shown to contribute to
embarrassing little workplace accidents at this time of year).
10. All employees shall refrain from requesting that egg nog be
placed in vending machines and shall likewise refrain from
uttering anti-social secular greetings or gladless tidings of
good cheer such as, "Bah Humbug", "The Grinch will get you!" or
"Santa Sucks", all of which have been found to contribute to an
unhealthy diet, loss of team spirit, and result in an altogether
unproductive and negative-thinking workplace environment.
Last but not least, there's no need to drop banana peels, candy
wrappers or priortized list of presents in the Company
Suggestion Box - thanks to SCROOGES (our Security Camera Records
& Online Gathering Evidence System), Santa knows who's been
naughty and nice his year.
HO HO HO AND HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY From Santa's Saucy Sylphs in
the HR Department!!!