Copyright (c) Victoria Elizabeth 2004. All rights reserved.
ODD JOBS Or, what to do while "Waiting for
While some may say, "the world is going to Hades in a
handbasket", I say "piffle!"
First, Hades isn't even on my "To Do" list for today or, for
that matter, tomorrow. Second, "handbaskets" are only for those
who enjoy carrying coals to Newcastle or some other Fool's
Anyway, I prefer to think that life is what you make of it. So,
enjoy every minute. And, when you've finished your "bowl full of
cherries", fear not, there will be plenty of "pleasure pits" to
enjoy, just mark my words!
Not one to gather moss under my feet, or pout about what to do
while "Waiting for Godot", I've decided to share with you some
odd jobs I've had to justify my existence, (but more importantly
...my jam and peanut butter).
You'll note that none of the positions mentioned below have
appeared in the newspaper under the heading, "jobs wanted".
That's not surprising. After all, why would women want to reveal
how to preserve their sanity amidst the chaos and clutter left
behind by the magnificent men from Mars? (But that's another
tangential story, worth at least one chapter in my next book,
"Cautionary Tales from Martian Caves".
Where was I? ...ah yes, the "odd" jobs:
-- Whine & Cheese Party Hostess -- Wing-It & Wet-Nurse Wonder
Woman -- Lost-and-Found Monitor & Bumbershoot Locator -- Little
Rubber Ducky Fundraiser -- Fly-Swatting Summer Camp Counsellor
-- Bruxism Buster and Tooth Fairy Stand-In -- Accredited Waffle
Stomper & Bucker-Upper -- Out-On-A-Limb Branch Coordinator --
"Father-Knows-Best" Policy Analyst -- Unplanned Gift Advisor to
the Stork -- Gourmet Bubble and Squeak Chef -- Jolly Green
Thumber -- Petty Communications Officer -- Brown Betty
Botcherist -- Escape Goat -- Bugaboo Pest Control Officer --
Troll Emergency Preparedness Planner -- Merry-Making Missionary
-- Brown Bag Content Provider & Packing Specialist -- Pet Rock
Watcher & Hard Rock Player -- Volunteer Burning Bush & Bucket
Brigade Member -- Medusa Makeover Artist -- Bite the Bullet &
Biscuit Project Leader -- Dust Bunny Control Inspector --
Pointy-Hat Designer & Gothic Clothing Seamstress -- Certified
Broomstick Operator -- Brownie Point Counter -- Horse Sense
Philosopher -- Magpie Manager -- Road-Less-Travelled Recruiter
-- Suppository & Support Hosery Consultant -- Snooze Alarmist --
Prince Valiant & Prince Charming Skills Evaluator -- Spotless
Throne Room & Stop-Watch Housekeeping Director -- Red Ribbon
Recycler & Return Merchandise Expert -- Stickey Wicket & Bad
Karma Turnaround Tactician -- Licensed Perfectionist &
Procrastinator -- Bungle-Conscious Breadwinner & Part-Time
Banshee -- Registered Owner of a Sling-Shot -- Legal Pot Shot
Shooter -- Supreme Goddess of Glitch in the Wicked Wench Covey
-- Bluffoligist, Blurtologist & Bumpfologist -- "The One And
Only Boisterous Ballyhooing Bucksheeist"
So, when the boo-boos and lumps of life start getting you down,
just put things into perspective. And don't forget, a little
levity always defies gravity!