The Prodigal Prince Fred, (Tasmanian Fred, Royal Spoiled Brat)
The Prodigal Prince Fred, (Tasmanian Fred, Royal Spoiled Brat)
THE SETTING Luke 15:11 "There was a man who had two sons.
Far away, long before children had beds, There lived a Tasmanian
'Devil' named "Fred" Prince Frederick the Fifth, Son of
Frederick the Fourth Who ruled the Tasmanian Kingdom, of course.
King Frederick was noble and goodly and nice The Tasmanians
loved him- from mooses to mice They also loved King Freddy's
nicely son "Ned" But oh how they hated that nasty Prince Fred.
Prince Freddy was snooty and cocky and smuggly He hung with his
"gang", "The Tasmanian Thugglies" They loved to break furniture,
quarrel, and fight And steal kiddies' candies on Halloween night.
They'd cruise through the countryside hooting and howling
Kicking the kangaroos, shooting and scowling Scaring the
children asleep in their beds And thumping the night owls on top
of their heads; they'd
throw rocks through windows and break into stores They'd put
piles of doo-doo by people's front doors And laugh at the look
in the nice people's eyes When they stepped out and stepped in
Fred's "poo-poo surprise."
And the townspeople said, "For these prattles and pranks We'll
break out our paddles- PRINCE FRED NEEDS A SPANK!"
And oh how they spanked him- they swatted and popped him But
Prince Freddy liked the attention it got him - His horrible
habits would not go away So he pranked every night and got
spanked every day.
Luke 15:12 The younger one said to his father, `Father, give me
my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between
But what Fred only knew was that he had grown weary Tasmanian
teasing was boring and dreary He'd broken or messed up most
everything there And he ached for a change- a breath of fresh
So he said "hey King Daddy-O, gimme my Money I 'm sick and I'm
tired of you, Neddy and Mummy I'm gonna go where the grasses are
greener The girls are much cuter, the cows are much leaner We'll
conquer the world, my Thugglies and me THEY'RE my real family-
They love me, you'll see."
King Frederick wiped a big tear from his eye, said, "Dear Son
Freddy, please don't say goodbye" The world is a jungle, cruel
and abusing You'll get bamboosled, you'll get a bad bruising.
But Freddy shouted, "Quiet, you looney old man Just gimme my
money, as fast as you can!"
King Frederick thought "I don't owe him a thing" But I'll follow
the counsel of Cousin King Sting Who said "Sometimes love is to
let people be" for "If you love someone you must set them free."
King stood up and said, I'll give half of my kingdom Then Fred
will see just how much I love him (But Freddy just stood looking
bored and half-sick And said "good enough, Daddy, -let's make it
Out came the servants with barrels and trunkets Silver by
truckloads, Doubloons by the buckets Deeds for the land, for the
houses and castles Clothes with gold hats zippers and diamonds
And when finally they'd loaded the loot and the booty Prince
Fred turned around with a shout super-snooty "Good riddance,
Good King, and Tasmania too I'll conquer the world, just like I
THE SQUANDERING Luke 15:13 "Not long after that, the younger son
got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there
squandered his wealth in wild living."
So Fred bought a ship and a giant Jalope The Thugglies and some
of the girlies came hopping They sailed off to Greece, to Italia
and Thebes Germania, San Pedro, the Isle of Saint Dweebes
Morocco, Swahili, Israeli, Bombay Calcutta, Cape Cod, Albakerkie
and Spain The Thugglies all cheered "2,4,6, and 8 Freddie's the
Thugguly we 'preciate We really love you, not just for your
money- You're every boy's buddy, and every girl's honey.
They sailed to Cape horn where the Africans dance Got drunk on
bamboo juice and wet in their pants (They drove the Jalope all
through the Sahara 'til it broke down in the hot desert weatha')
They Flew on a flybird to HulaHuLoo And swiggled and swayed like
the hulahoo's doo They took a fast train to Bermuda for fishing
And snork'ling and swimming and winnihee wishing Then off to
Arabia seeking the carpet- The magic one- and when the found it
Fred bought it They rode like the wind on a magical flight So
close to the stars they could kiss them goodnight And they
laughed and they sang and they never once worried ... Til they
ran out of gas in Pougkipsee, Missouri Starving and thirsting
from singing and lauging They searched out a truck stop for
eating and gassing They ordered hamburglers and ice cream and
coke- That's when Fred said with a gasp- "Friends, I'm broke!"
His 'friends' said, "Hey, Freddy-O, you must be jokin'" Fred
said "I'm not..." and they started to choke him "Why have you
brought us out here to Missouri?!"- they cried and they cried
'til their vision was blurry.
They beat Fred that night 'bout the head and the shoulders
Kicked him and pelted him hard with small boulders, Then pooled
every cent they'd embezzled from Fred Hopped a bird home and
left Fred for dead.
PIGS Luke 15:14 After he had spent everything, there was a
severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need.
When Fred awoke in the ditch the next tuesday, Angry and dizzy
and battered and bruisedy Seeing he needed some doct'ring and
nursing He wobbled and bobbled back into Poughkipsee.
'These people will serve me as soon as they see My royal
credentials, my choice pedigree I'm Frederick the Fifth, Son of
Frederick The Fourth Heir to the crown of Tasmania, of course!'
"Tasmania!", they laughed, "why it sounds to me Like this boy's
been eating the wackety weed! He thinks he's a Prince, but it's
clear, he's a fake (disgrace) From the thuggardly look on his
uggardly face He's nothing but trouble, repair bills, and grief
Poughkipsee has no need for this little thief!"
Luke 15:15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that
country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. Luke 15:16 He
longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were
eating, but no one gave him anything.
So Fred limped down the road, saw a farmer named Rooflus (fat,
bald, and sweaty and dirty and toothless) Who said, "You can
feed all my pigglies, you dooflus!"
So Fred slept in the barn with the hogs in Missouri Where
roachies and rats and reegreechies would scurry So dark and so
cold in the yuck and the storm He'd hug to the hogs in the mud
to keep warm.
And up with the sunrise Ol' Rooflus came screaming "TIME TO SLOP
HOGS- STOP YOUR SNORING AND DREAMING" And oh- how Fred hated to
wake up each day For he dreamed of his soft bed, back home, far
Then Rooflus would swat with his sluggardly-stick Fred'd jump
for the bucket of schloppettyschlick, full of sloopage and
scumdredge and leftover lardy, rotten vomatoes and chunkies of
Fred got so hungry his tummy would gurgle When he'd spy a bitey
of uneaten burgle Floating about in the schloppetyschlick But
Rooflus said "NO SIR, NOT ONE LITTLE BIT" For hogs need to eat,
they are useful and tasty But you're good for nothing; you're
stoopid and lazy .
And the only thing Fred was the Prince of was pigs (But the pigs
ate much better than Fred ever did!)
REPENTANCE Luke 15:17 "When he came to his senses, he said, `How
many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am
starving to death! Luke 15:18 I will set out and go back to my
father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and
against you. Luke 15:19 I am no longer worthy to be called your
son; make me like one of your hired men.'
And slowly, sneaking as if by surprise an idea began growing
behind Freddy's eyes 'til one day he came to his senses and
said, "If I stay with these hogs pretty soon I'll be DEAD!" The
servants that work for my Dad eat like Kings And all I can eat
is regreechichies and squings And moldy old swatches of
schlochettyschlick Left where the piggelet's tongues couldn't
So I'll hike back to Father and beg for a job 'cause I've got
experience slopping these hogs! Of course he won't let me back
into the house Since I spent all his money out being a louse I'm
no longer worthy of being his son But I'm great with the hogs- I
can get the job done.
EATING HUMBLE PIE Luke 15:20 So he got up and went to his father.
So Fred ran away from Pougkipsee and Rooflus Hitchedhiked a
wildebeest down to San Lucas Stowed away in the gut of a whale
named Jonah Til the whale barfed him out on the beach of
Pomplona! He ran in a rickshaw to Katmandudu Nambibia, Naples
After 7 long years of swimming and running (It takes a long time
without daddy-o's funding) Fred saw the land he'd remembered in
dreams- The shores of Tasmania- sparkling and clean.
FATHER WELCOMES HIM: "But while he was still a long way off, his
father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to
his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
Now King Frederick feared that young Fred had died But day after
day, the King strained his old eyes Peering through periscopes
over the hills Praying that Fred would come home to him still.
And that day, the greatest day, what did he see? Floundering
Freddy afloat on the sea The King ran like an antelope, threw
out a raft Pulled Freddy onto the beach with a laugh.
Luke 15:21 "The son said to him, `Father, I have sinned against
heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your
Freddy coughed up all the seaweed and water said, please don't
kill me, but hear me out, Father I've sinned, I'm a joke, I'm a
heel of a schmuck I'm mother's worst nightmare- bait for bad
luck, so Just let me live in the shack with the peasants
Slopping the hogs, or dressing the pheasants I'm no longer
worthy to be called your son But I've learned to slop hogs- I
can get the job done!
Luke 15:22 "But the father said to his servants, `Quick! Bring
the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and
sandals on his feet. Luke 15:23 Bring the fattened calf and kill
it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. Luke 15:24 For this son of
mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So
they began to celebrate.
King said, "Son, we've no hogs, we're Tasmanian Jews But you're
home alive- That's the greatest of news!" "So bring him my robe,
put my ring on his hand Let's throw a party all over the land
Strike up the band let the hoopla abound For Prince Fred was
lost; HOORAY, he's been found!"
OLDER SON GETS MAD: Luke 15:25 "Meanwhile, the older son was in
the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and
dancing. Luke 15:26 So he called one of the servants and asked
him what was going on. Luke 15:27 `Your brother has come,' he
replied, `and your father has killed the fattened calf because
he has him back safe and sound.' Luke 15:28 "The older brother
became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and
pleaded with him. Luke 15:29 But he answered his father, `Look!
All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed
your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could
celebrate with my friends. Luke 15:30 But when this son of yours
who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home,
you kill the fattened calf for him!'
But Fred's brother Ned wasn't dancing with glee Ned sat there,
lips pouting all pitifully Saying, "Hey daddy-o - I'm as nice as
can be- But when did you throw a big party for ME? I worked and
I slaved and busted my buttocks While that little twirp spent
your loot like a dumb-ox.
FATHER GIVES MORAL Luke 15:31 "`My son,' the father said, `you
are always with me, and everything I have is yours. Luke 15:32
But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of
yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'"
"But Ned", said the King, "You're already with me What's mine is
all yours, far as eagle eyes see So come on! Let's party, let's
rock & get down 'cause Fred, left for dead, is alive and in
And this, goobs and gurls, is the way God loves you Whatever you
say, sin, bamboozzle or do, When you come running home with your
arms open wide God says, "Come on in, love! There's a party