I Am a Grinch
Last Christmas, Uncle Albert promised his neighbor, Wilson, to
find a way to keep the Christmas spirit alive all year. You
know, just like Wilson and everybody else wishes people each
Yesterday I was checking my calendar. "Holy smokes! It's almost
Christmas. I better check to see if Uncle Albert found a way to
keep the Christmas spirit alive all year."
So I put on my boots and buttoned up my jacket. I dashed out the
I came back into the house to put on a scarf. And some gloves.
And a hat. And my long-johns. I filled up the thermos with hot
chocolate and dug out a pair of ear muffs. "Yup. That's the
Christmas spirit," I thought as I headed out once more, trying
to keep my head above the snow.
When I reached Uncle Albert's, I could tell something was
different. I wasn't sure quite what, but I suspect it had
something to do with the large red and gold sleigh parked in his
"Say, Uncle Albert. What's with the sleigh?"
"You like it, Happy Guy? That's part of my Christmas spirit," he
"Of course. Riding in a one-horse open sleigh. Sleigh bells
ring, are you listening? All that shtick." he smiled.
"You think that's how to keep the Christmas spirit alive all
"That's just the beginning," he said as he lit up a candle.
"I've cancelled my electricity."
"Have you ever heard of a Christmas carol with electricity?"
Uncle Albert asked. "No. You hear about Christmas carols by
candlelight, about silver bells, boughs of holly, all sorts of
nostalgic stuff from the days when General Electric hired mice
to turn the wheels of power."
I looked around for a Christmas tree. "So why no Christmas tree?
Is that too modern for you?"
"Only the plastic kind," he said. "They keep dying on me. I was
probably feeding them too much sheep manure. Anyway, I decorated
the one out front."
"But you don't have a tree out front, Uncle Albert."
"Right there," he pointed. "Across the street. Hey Wilson! Stop
blowing out my candles!"
"You lit candles on your neighbor's tree?"
"Ha! A lot of good that will do me," Uncle Albert sighed. "You
would think the ingrate would appreciate a little Christmas
spirit now and then. Hey Wilson! Get some Christmas spirit, you
overgrown porcupine pimple!"
"Maybe some people don't want the Christmas spirit all year
"Don't be silly, Happy Guy. Everybody wishes it to each other,"
he replied. "May the Christmas spirit last all year. But it
never does. You know why?" "I'm afraid I am about to find out."
"Because nobody wants to do all those things they sing so
nostalgically about," he harrumphed.
"Maybe we just need some new Christmas carols. Instead of trying
to make reality fit the songs, why not sing songs that fit
"Funny you should mention that," Uncle Albert exclaimed. "I
wrote one just the other day. Want to hear it?"
"Here comes another Yule, let's spend like a fool. Push 'n'
shove at the store, to buy even more. Light up the lights,
there'll be no star in sight. Turn up the furnace, this world we
will burn it. Chop down a tree, chop another down with glee.
Wilson is a grump, such a whiny chump. (Like the personal
touch?) This year let's all cheer it, Whoo! I love this
Christmas spirit. "
"That's very original," I observed. "I am sure there must be a
market for just such a song...somewhere."
"That's what I thought," Uncle Albert beamed. "Heh, heh. This
could even make me rich, rich rich! Ha! Take that, Wilson."
"That's the Christmas spirit, Uncle Albert."