The Lighter Side of Spam
Every morning when sit down at the ole computer and go to check
my email I know two things will happen. (1) I won't have
received any new sign-ups in any of the hundreds of affiliate
programs that 'guaranteed' me a massive downline and (2) I will
have at least 30 emails that are unsolicited or SPAM.
As an experienced 'Interneter' (definition: One who spends way
too much time on the internet) I know that the lack of sign-ups
may change. One morning I may awaken to 30 new affiliates in
each of my programs. Or at least that's what my guru friends
keep telling me... The SPAM however, 'ain't goin' nowhere.' It's
just become a fact of internet life. 'He Who Hath Email, Will
Get SPAM.'
I personally use the Delete-It-And-Forget-About-It Method to
deal with SPAM. This time tested method has three basic steps:
1. Select the 'suspected' spam email (Note: I use the term
suspected because according the Internet Law Code Title 12
Chapter 15 Subtitle 3 'All spam is innocent until proven guilty
by a jury of it's peers, or until it emails a virus to your
whole address book.)'
2. Hit the 'Delete' button
3. Move on to the next email
This highly complicated method for dealing with SPAM is not, I
have found, for everyone. There are some people who feel that
this method lets spammers off too easily. These are people who
feel very strongly about SPAM. They don't just dislike SPAM,
they DESPISE it. I'm talking about the kind of people who,
judging by their actions, must be allergic to SPAM.
These kind of people prefer the
I'm-Going-To-Get-You-If-It's-The-Last-Thing-I-Do-Online Method.
This method involves any or all of the following steps:
1. Quitting your day job so you can have more time to write
nasty replies to all the emails that you get that you don't
remember requesting.
2. Doing an exhaustive 30 hour online search for a suspected
spammers IP address so you can report them to their ISP. And
their hosting services. And their mother.
4. Attempting to get in touch with Tom Ridge, newly appointed
Director of Homeland Security, because you think spamming is a
form of terrorism.
5. Showing up at suspected spammers front door at 3 AM wielding
an AK-47 assault rifle and wearing only WWJD bandana and a
mousepad, and shouting, "If I want Spam I'll buy a can" between
gunshots.
However you deal with SPAM is of course your business. I, by
nature, am a passive person (by passive I mean lazy) so SPAM
doesn't usually annoy me to the point where I feel the need to
take action. I will admit that occasionally though SPAM does get
me a little angry. Like when I open my inbox and see that of the
25 unread emails I have, 20 have subject lines like:
* Let Me Show You How To Make An Extra $5000 An Hour Selling
Squid!
* Hot Blonde Men Want You!
* Congratulations You've Won An All Expense Paid Trip To
Uzbekistan
* Do You Know What You're Children Are Doing Online? (A quick
note to all spammers: If you are going to illegally fill my
inbox with SPAM at least be kind enough to send me something
that might interest me. SPAM about children does not interest me
in the slightest bit seeing as I have none. And if I did have
kids I wouldn't care what they did online as long as they stayed
quiet and left me alone. Thanks.
* Become A Catholic Priest In Two Short Weeks
* Here Is The Information You Requested On Llama Breeding
These are just a sample of some of the subject lines that I have
seen in my inbox. I assume they were SPAM since I don't remember
every requesting any information about any of those subjects.
Although the one about selling squid did seem interesting. Which
brings me to a question. If you know that an email is SPAM but
the subject line is just sooo darn catchy, is it wrong to open
the email? Do I become an accessory to spamming? Am I aiding and
abetting known spammers? I sure hope not because truthfully
every now and then I open an email that I know is SPAM just to
see what it's about. It's just that some of those spammers have
gotten so good with their subject lines that I just can't help
myself. For instance I'm GOING to open emails with subject lines
like:
* Free Fried Chicken For Life
* Fast Hemorrhoid Relief
* Drink ALL You Want And Never Get Drunk
* Drew Barrymore and Tara Banks Want To Meet You (Another quick
note to spammers: If you were the online law breaker who sent me
the unsolicited email about Drew and Tara could you please send
it to me again. I think I accidentally deleted it. Thanks. P.S.
If you have anything about Angelina Jolie send that too.)
* Even Faster Hemorrhoid Relief
* Stop Premature Balding
* Legally Get Back All The Money You've Ever Blown On Women
There are some of you who probably think it's deplorable that I
admit to reading emails that I know are SPAM. You probably think
that people like me are the reason spammers keep spamming. You
probably think I'm just as bad as the spammers. You're probably
trying to figure out who my ISP is at this very moment so you
can report me. All I can say in my defense is: I'm only human.
And I only do it on weekends.
In conclusion, even though I've poked fun at anti-spammers in
this article, I do feel that spamming is wrong and illegal. My
purpose in writing this article was just to bring a little humor
to the otherwise ever-so-serious SPAM table. Whether you're an
avid anti-spammer and a card-carrying member of the Coalition
Against Unsolicited Commercial Email or a lazy
Delete-It-And-Forget-About-It slacker like me, you'll probably
agree that spammers need to stopped. Anyone caught spamming
should be punished. And I know the ideal punishment. They should
be forced to clean my house and keep my llamas fed while I'm on
my 2 month vacation in Uzbekistan with Drew Barrymore, eating
fried chicken-hemorrhoid free.