The Hazards of Tossing Pigs
The Hazards of Tossing Pigs
Saturday, both Jane and Barb had to work. I didn?t see either of
them during the day but Saturday night I went to eat at the
restaurant they work in. They serve two kinda steaks there. One
called the Cowgirl, and one called the Cowboy. On my first visit
some months ago I had loudly pronounced "I wanna eat a Cowgirl!"
When Jane asked how I wanted it, I loudly replied "Why, pink in
the middle of course!"
Weeeeell...... this time Jane recommended the Cowboy. I informed
her that if she was to tell anyone that I ate a Cowboy on the
bone, she was dead meat. After eating, they invited me to go out
after they got off work. So I told them I would show back up
round 10 PM. I rode by at 9:30 and seeing the parking lot was
about empty, decided to stop on in. They wasn?t finished, so I
stepped into the bar. In the bar they had LVTV (Las Vegas TV)
film cameras set up, and the Geritol Crowd was out there dancing
to the swing time music being played by some fellas who in their
younger years dreamed of growing up and playing music in
"Speakeasies" during the Great Depression. Now, it was fun to
watch, and I got a kick out of the drummer who, when he went
into his grand finale drum roll on the last song, paused to put
on his oxygen mask first. Things took a little longer than
expected, but at about 11:30, they finally were ready to go out.
Except, neither brought a change of clothes. We had to stop and
buy them t-shirts to be presentable. After hitting a couple of
places, they finally found some sweat shirts at Outback
Roadhouse. That being done, we started having problems finding a
bar. I was even having problems finding Barb! We would decide to
go somewhere and she would take off in her car like a racetrack
momma, leaving me and Jane driving around Branson trying to find
her! Finally we caught up with her and decided to hit the lounge
at the Ramada. That didn?t work out too well. The place was
fairly empty. And, besides that, as we were walking in the
parking lot we passed this 1971 pickemup truck that was so
valuable it had guard dogs in the back. The thing is, we didn?t
see the dogs until we were beside the truck. Then, it was too
late! We all had dirty britches. Weeeeell.. we decided to go to
my motel room and have our own little get together so Jane sends
Barb after some wine and we head to my motel. Barb shows up at
about the same time we do. In addition to the wine, she brought
a bottle of Jim Beam and some game which you play by tossing
pigs. I thanked her for the Jim Beam, but cautioned her it was a
bad idea because with the mood I was in I shouldn?t be drinking
heavy. She fixed me a drink, and we all sat down to toss a few
pigs. Now, this game was pretty neat. You would toss these two
pigs like dice.. and depending on how they landed you would
score points. You had "Snouters", "Razor backs", "Makin Bacon",
and a bunch of other ways they could land. I kept drinking.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeell.... the last thing I remember was feeling a
little sick from drinking so much, and the next thing I knew it
was Sunday morning. And, what a morning it was! Sunday morning I
wake up feeling like crap. I open my eyes and no-one was in my
room. I felt something on top of me and reached across to grab
it. As I did, I noticed a purple key ring hanging off one of my
fingers. I go to pull it off and I notice a bunch of yellow crap
in my hand. I reach down to see what it is on top of me, and I
find the bottle of Jim Beam... EMPTY!!! My first thought was "Oh
crap!!!! What did I do????" I try to raise up out of bed, but I
cant. Yes, I was still drunk, but THAT was not the problem.
Instead, the bedspread was coming with me! It seems that while
in my inebriated state of comatosement, my two blonde friends
had decided to sew my clothes to the bed, with ME IN THEM!!!!! I
reached over, rip apart the threads, and roll out of bed. I
stumble to the bathroom. I relieve myself and walk out. As I do,
I glance at the mirror, and...... WHAT!?!?!??!?!?!?? The first
thing I noticed was my hair was slicked back. with all of these
little specks in it that looked like little bitty sponges. Then
I notice that my eyebrows had been painted all the way across.
And I see all these splotches all over my face! And, my gawd,
LIPSTICK on my lips!!!!! I started wiping my face off when...
The phone rings. It was Jane... totally laughing her butt
off!!!!!! I asked if I had drank that whole bottle? She was
laughing her butt off!!! It turns out that the slicked back hair
was shampoo. And, she was laughing her butt off!!! And, the
flecks was potato chips. And, she was laughing her butt off!!!
And, while we was talking I noticed that I had plastic bags tied
around my feet!!!!!! And, she was laughing her butt off!!! And
to top it off, I was supposed to be in SUNDAY SCHOOL in an
hour!! And she was laughing her butt off!!! I told her I might
not make Sunday school, but I would be at church. She thanked me
for being a good sport (yeah, right. Revenge is coming. Jane and
Barb had better watch out.) and I went and laid back down. When
I finally got around to taking the plastic bags off my feet, it
was like sticking them in a dadblame freezer. I couldn?t believe
it! I showered, washed the crap out of my hair, (finding dental
floss in there too) and headed to church, still drunk. Now, that
there preacher has no idea of the impact his sermon had on me
that day. Not only did I have him preaching at me, but there was
two more fellas who looked just like him saying the same things
at the same time. They were even making the same gestures at the
same time!! I have no idea how they did the special effects, but
they would merge into one, and then un-merge. I made it through
church and only heard Jane snore once next to me. I can?t help
but wonder housekeeping thought when they found threads sewn
into the blanket in the shape of a large human body.