Actions Speak
Have you ever held onto something just because you believed the
words that came out of another person's mouth?
This last year has been one big learning lesson for me. In the
past year, I have lost some very great people in my life. One
person in particular has changed my life drastically. She's not
a bad person; she is actually one of the greatest people I have
ever met, but at the same time I have to question myself,
because the words she had told me have never matched the actions
she has shown me.
As I said she has changed my life, some good, and some bad. I
have been accused of things that have never happened; I have
been called things that I have never been. But still, I have
hope that those couple of words that came out of her mouth were
real. People should not have to question if what someone is
telling them is nothing more then a lie. I'm not sure if it was
a lie or just misleading the truth. Perhaps it was just time
that changed the thoughts of what our main goal was.
Remember the old saying, "Actions speak louder then words?"
Well, the actions have spoken out more clearly than ever now.
Did I expect life to go on hold while we took time out to deal
with ourselves? No. As a matter of fact, I have been out a
couple of times and have people that I enjoy going out with that
I could not have done while in my relationship with her. There
are nights that I do still shed tears, missing what was supposed
to be our "new family," but as time passes I smile more and live
life to my fullest. There are times when we are doing things and
I think "God, I wish the girls were here to enjoy this," or "WoW
she would really like this place," but in the past months the
actions have spoken for themselves. When something happens to
me, it's not her I call anymore; it's the people that actually
do show they care about me. I have had to question myself,
"Where does she fit in?" Again, those couple of words that she
told me almost a year ago stay stuck in my head, along with the
hope that those words would one day change into actions. But, as
the Rolling Stones once said, "You can't always get what you
want." Time is a valuable thing to waste; you just don't know
what tomorrow will bring, or if there is going to be a tomorrow.
We all have hope in other people, but when do the words that
give you hope change into nothing more than words? If it were
one of my employees that told me they would do something and
didn't do it, they would get reprimanded, but this is someone
who told me she wanted to be my life partner and wanted to get
married - even through all this - on the date she set in
October.
Have I held onto something that was never there? Did I have hope
in something that was hopeless? Those questions seem to be
answered by the lack of actions that have been shown throughout
this past year. Will I always have feelings for her and her
children? That's an easy question to answer: YES! But they're
not a part of my life anymore; I don't talk to them, not because
I choose not to, but because she has secrets that can't be let
out.
What bothers me the most are the lies about me that have made me
a bad guy to some, but the people that believe it really mean
nothing in my life. The people that actually know me, know that
it's nothing more than a way for her to not feel any of the
responsibility for what has happened. A lot of people - no,
everyone I know - asks me why in the world I would put up with
any of the things she has done to me. She turned my life upside
down, lied to me and my kids, and left scars on me emotionally,
mentally, and physically. The only answer I have for them is
that it was a crazy time in both our lives and those couple of
words she said gave me hope that we'd get through it. Well, for
me, actions proved it all. We got through it! My hope for what
she has said is gone. The lies can be kept. That is not the type
of person I need in my life, friend or anything more. I have
tried to take her off the pedestal I had kept her on for so
long; not being able to; I have decided to just build a new
pedestal for someone else, someone that deserves it. For some
people, it seems, it's too easy for them to lie on a daily
basis. For me that's not so easy.
There are lyrics by Linkin Park that state "In the end it
doesn't even matter." That's right on the money: in the end your
words mean nothing. People are not going to remember you said
your going to climb to the top of Mount Everest or take your
kids to the park. They are going to remember that you DID climb
to the top of Mount Everest and that you DID take your kids to
the park. Your actions are what tells your life story; if your
actions don't match your words, then people perceive you as
fake, even if every word you say comes from the heart.
For me, I now have a hard time taking what people tell me at
face value, but my real friends have shown me that not all
people just say words, they mean them, and the actions they show
makes me believe that most people choose to use their actions to
put truth into what they're saying.
For me, it was a relationship with the person I thought I would
spend the rest of my life with. For you, it might be a boss that
keeps promising you a promotion or a friend that keeps saying
you're going to go do something together, or maybe even a family
member that tells you something that means a lot to you. I would
like to thank her for opening my eyes to a lot of things. I hope
that she has a great rest of her life. As for me, right now I
choose to stay numb and figure out all the things I have
learned, not just in the past year but in all the years I have
known her. I hope I've learned enough that I will never be put
in this vulnerable situation again.