ARE YOU CRIPPLED BY PERFECTIONISM?
It was 2:00 a.m. on the first night of a trip to London when I
awakened to hear a voice in my head say, "Eve, you are crippled
by your perfectionism." I had been limping badly through the
international terminals all day long, due to a hip problem that
had developed quite suddenly just four months previously.
Although I had made some progress in easing the pain and
regaining some flexibility in my hip joint through physical
therapy, acupuncture, massage, energy work, and imagery, the
problem persisted. And on my long journey from California to
London, it had been particularly troublesome.
I knew the message that I was crippled by my perfectionism was
in response to my prayer to understand and heal the deeper
meaning of my sudden physical disability. Yet, I also knew that
this was something I didn't want to hear. Never had I considered
perfectionism as one of my primary flaws. Oh, it isn't that I'm
not a perfectionist--it's just that I have always liked being
that way.
But life has a way of getting our attention regarding those
qualities we are most resistant to addressing. And here I was,
looking squarely at my perfectionism for the first time to see
the ways in which it has crippled me.
It was easy to recognize the more obvious impact that
perfectionism has had on my life. For instance, I work too much,
and play too little. After all, there is always more to do to
perfect one's current project. Also, it is my tendency to be
very critical of my own creations. Since nothing is ever quite
perfect enough, I have crippled my ability to fully express my
creative essence.
To my surprise, as I meditated on my perfectionism, I began to
see it as a spiritual disability. I saw how in my need to be
perfect, there were important things about myself that I had
chosen not to look at. My perfectionistic self caused me to
block out awareness of the parts of my own shadow that I find
particularly unpleasant. Hence, I had crippled my own spiritual
growth in my need to perpetuate a false self-image. This
revelation was particularly shocking to me, since it was in such
contradiction to my belief that I had been completely honest
with myself.
In a series of dreams combined with information received during
meditation sessions, I came to see that there is much about
myself I have chosen to keep hidden from my own view. And it's
not pretty! For example, I have always viewed myself as a
non-competitive person. The truth is, I am highly competitive,
and my competitiveness combined with my stubborn pride and envy
have led me to avoid competition because I hate to lose!
Similarly, where I thought I had forgiven the past, I have found
deep-seated anger and resentments. And the list goes on.
It has been a relief and a joy to begin to face the really dark
places within me. There is a wonderful sense of personal
liberation that comes with acknowledging and accepting my most
human flaws. I literally feel lighter each time I shine the
light of conscious awareness on the least desirable parts of who
I am. And with time, some of these parts have even begun to lose
their power to frighten or control me.
For I know that along with my human self, I also have a Divine
Essence. And every time I "own" another part of my humanity, I
ignite a transformative process that clears the way to accessing
more of the light of my Greater Self. Although the perfectionist
in me would like to be "finished" and "complete" by next month
with this process of personal unfoldment, my wiser self knows
that it is a lifelong journey--not a race to the finish line. It
is certainly not an easy journey--nor one taken by everyone. But
it is the path my Spirit has chosen for me. And for that I am
most grateful.
I am also aware that there is a part of me that desperately
wants to maintain my mask of perfection. It tries to seduce me
into complacency or lure me into again turning my back on my
shadow side. My wiser self know this would be a big mistake. I
intend to continue to face my negative traits with humility to
the best of my ability. And I suspect that life will continue to
find ways of pointing out to me those personal deficiencies
which I overlook!