Tears, Thanksgiving and Mom
For us, holidays were a bad memory. This time in our life became
something that held you back from doing things like other kids.
They didn't face the turmoil you were going through.
I remember it to this day. Coming up from the lower floor of
the house, I notice mom running down the stairs to the same
floor I was headed. My sister was not noticeable around then,
being in her room. "Their coming to get us". Mom said, her voice
trembling and the look of fear in her face. "Who"? I asked, not
knowing what to do. "The police, their coming to get us"...Again
her voice trembled and mom running back up the stairs she came
from and into her room. I was terrified. Mom was the same way.
That day rings loud and clear for me. My heart sinks as I
realize today, mom was suffering from a mental breakdown. My
mother was gone. Yes, she was there in the physical being, but
departed mentally.
Later dad told us it was a sickness. Mom was indeed taken, but
not by the police. She was taken to a special hospital in a
little town far from where we were. As I recall this, I try to
think about the holidays at this time. Then I shake my head,
knowing that for us, till mom got well there was no holiday.
Dad worked hard to get us ready during this time mom was gone.
We had friends who would take care of my sister while I was as
school. I would come home to their house and wait till dad came
and we would go home. Then I would cook dinner for us. The house
would be lonely with no mother to comfort or guide us. No mom to
wrap their arms around us and understand our hurts or problems.
Dad was there, but an important part of our family was not. I
cannot tell you how much this had an effect on me as a young man
growing up. I became withdrawn and passive. Not getting involved
in much of anything. I strove to help dad and my sister. Time
was the enemy, for late at night, in my bed, I knew I would face
another day without mom. As time went on, thanksgiving and
Christmas came. Certain times when dad could get off, we would
take a weekend to visit mom. The drive to go see mom was
terrible for young minds. We would sit in the backseat of the
car and drive endlessly it seemed. The hospital where mom was
seems so far. It indeed was. The trip alone was six hours or so.
Then with kids and stopping for various reasons the trip seemed
so long. We would stay in a motel in the town where mom was. At
first the visits actually meant for Dad to go inside and we kids
had to wait in the car. Then at the proper time, mom would look
out from a window with bars on them and wave at us kids. Later
on, mom would be able to come and visit with us. But that never
lasted long. She was much thinner now. Mom smiled and hugged us,
but then she was gone. Time had come; we would pack up and leave
that town which held my mother hostage. That was my holidays,
painful. The gifts, the trees meant nothing. For a short while
they would pacify my young mind and spirit. Then drifting, my
heart would sink.
During those months I would try to help my sister and dad cope.
Doing our best, we pulled together. All the while at school it
was a nightmare. No one understood me. I was harassed by other
kids. I was lonely and withdrawing more daily. I had one friend
and at times we had fun. My sister being so young I never fully
came to know how much an impact this had on her. Later on in
life, she would reveal to me the heartaches she had come to know
during this time.
After the holidays, birthdays came and went. The same thing
would go on. Drive forever and visit for a short while, then
come home. Without mom. Then one day, mom was released. The
doctors, dad said had helped mom. The time of any person's life,
as least mine, was when mom came home.
You see, mom was sick allot during my life growing up and even
into adulthood. She faced many problems, although she did better
than most with her sickness. I have spent allot of years without
her. For me, my mother was always sick; this created a hardship
on everyone. But, for her, mom desperate fight to win this
battle would eventually take her home to be with the Lord at an
early age. Even though this battle of mom affected us all, for
me Thanksgiving and Christmas was about having her there.
Together we would celebrate and give thanks to the Lord. Without
her, it seemed a dry and distant time. Devoid of reasoning. I
have asked myself a thousand times why. In the last years of her
life, there was only one time in five years I remember that I
could hold a conversation like we use too. This talk with my mom
lasted only five to ten minutes, and then in a flash she was
gone. Her physical body was there, but she was somewhere else. I
don't know why, tears come as I think of this. My heart still
sinks.
But, oh the joy of the holidays when mom was well. I can
remember my grandparents coming in from the farm. We would all
get together and enjoy our blessings. Pray over the food, give
thanks to the Lord and dive in. The golden turkey, the oyster
stuffing was the best, home backed rolls, and the smell of the
pies whiffed through the house. The table was set with the
finest silver mom had. The table cloth was one that had been
crocheted. A white one. Upon this went the fixings.
During this time, it seemed time stood still for a moment. I
can still see it, like a picture out of a painting. I see the
table, grandmother, mom, dad, grandpa and us kids. The house is
full of happiness. Christmas time was the same thing. Plenty of
food, goodies, presents, and the tree. Lights, tinsel, pine,
needles, and the special place below the tree. That was my
place. I would snuggle under the tree and look up from the base
of it. Peering along the tree trunk up through the branches to
the top of the tree. Along the way was bulbs glittering and
blinking. I would lay there with all the lights off in the
living room where the tree was. Then take in a big whiff of
pine, I would look up and enjoy the moment.
That was the holidays. This was the special time and moment in
anyone's life when blessings and knowing God has been good to
you.
But, when mom was sick, this scene was not the one I had known.
During that time I cannot remember the thanksgiving or Christmas
dinner. Nor the presents or any fun. I cannot think of anything
good that went on. I don't even remember being particularly
blessed or thinking God had been good to me. In fact, I couldn't
believe the Lord would do that to us.
Over time, as I think back now. The Lord was good to us during
that time. I may not remember the holiday, but there was a
family. Short of one person, yes, but struggling to make it.
Just one more day, one more hour, one more dinner, one more
thanksgiving, one more Christmas, one more new year, one more
birthday. That's right, just one more. I lived that for the
whole time mom was sick.
I thank the Lord today I had a dad that stuck with mom during
those years. I told him so. Dad looked at me and said "I stayed
with your mother all those years because of my conscience, and
that one day I would have to face the Lord". Dad later admitted
to me that during those years mom's sickness consumed him so
much, he put the Lord on the shelf.
Today, this family is short one member. Mom is gone. The
holidays don't quite have that sparkle when I was a kid and mom
was there. The turkey, the table, grandma and grandpa and the
whole holiday adventure is not the same. But, we are going on.
We are very thankful to the Lord for His blessings. Times have
been tough. They are for many people today. I have two grown
children, a grandchild, and a son-in-law. I have a great wife of
32 years and my dad, well he is great. I love them all. Sure I
miss mom, but the holiday this year will be a good one. For the
Lord has seen me and my family through much. I know when we
carve that turkey this year; mom will be looking on and smiling.
She always wanted the part that "went over the fence last"...You
know what that is the tail... I will just smile back and think
Mom; this one is for you...