Are You a 'Yes-Dog'?
There was once a time (and there still is, to a certain degree)
when I would say 'Yes' to every opportunity, request,
suggestion, good idea, and even mediocre idea that came my way.
And let me tell you, it was exhausting.
It was like I had this automatic, knee-jerk reaction to
accommodate any suggestion that came my way - as if it were my
karmic duty. I call this auto-response being a 'yes-dog'.
Perhaps you know the feeling.
When you're a yes-dog, your entire being is all about making
other people happy; you knock yourself out doing it. No task is
too small - you figure you've always got room in your psyche,
your schedule or your soul to squeeze in one more thing that
someone wants to fit in. God forbid you should say no ... for
then that someone would be unhappy. Which would be unthinkable.
Like a lot of creative people, I'm naturally empathetic - so I
could literally feel other people's pain... an experience I
simply wanted to avoid as much as possible. For many years, I
thought it was up to me to please the rest of the world. I
literally thought it was my job to be a 'yes-dog'.
These days, I'm taking a much more circumspect view. I've come
to the realization that I simply can't live my soul purpose AND
make the rest of the world happy all the time.
And I realize that being a yes-dog doesn't always make the rest
of the world happy - even in my little corner. The more well
known I get, and the wider my reach, the more I can see it.
There is always someone, somewhere, who has a problem with what
I'm doing. And therein lay the breakthrough.
I'm no longer uncomfortable with other people's pain. I mean,
it's not like I relish it; but I don't run to avoid it. I've
come to realize we all have a path, and a learning process we're
going through. This means my entire job is nothing more than to
be authentic, listen to my gut, and act accordingly. Not only
will I not make everyone happy ... I can't!
If someone is upset by this, it's no longer a big problem.
Rather, it's simply the way their path is rubbing up against my
path; it's part of life, growth, and karma. So I have nothing to
fear.
My friend Joan Sotkin has a saying, 'I don't always have to be
the one who's uncomfortable here'. Amen! Since I've given up
being a yes-dog, and let go of the need to be 'the one who's
always uncomfortable', great things have begun to stream my way.
My reach, my income, my productivity and my impact in the world
have gone up in quantum leaps.
Best of all, I've relaxed as I go about my business. 'No' is not
scary - it's empowering. And ironically enough, the world has
not turned on me in anger and resentment ... it's actually
stepped right up to my door and truly embraced what I'm doing.
Are you a yes-dog? Take my handy quiz below to assess where you
are. And may I suggest a step away from that easy little word,
to one that can be equally empowering: "No".
The Are You a 'Yes-Dog'? Questionnaire
1. Do you find it hard to say no to your children, even when
they're making unreasonable demands. a) Always b) Occasionally
c) Rarely d) Never
2. Do you long to be able to tell your boss exactly what you
think ... but you just can't? a) Always b) Occasionally c)
Rarely d) Never
3. Do you find it impossible to deny yourself 'forbidden'
pleasures - i.e. Ben & Jerry's ice cream when you're dieting -
even if you've made a decision not to indulge? a) Always b)
Occasionally c) Rarely d) Never
4. Do your friends tell you that you're a pushover, and advise
you to stand firm? a) Always b) Occasionally c) Rarely d) Never
5. Do you get a queasy feeling in your gut when someone asks you
to do something that's just not a good fit for you ... and then
inevitably cave in despite your feelings? a) Always b)
Occasionally c) Rarely d) Never
6. Are you uncomfortable asking for more money or more
responsibility around your work? a) Always b) Occasionally c)
Rarely d) Never
7. Are you always the person who volunteers even when you don't
want to? a) Always b) Occasionally c) Rarely d) Never
8. Are there things you long to do in life, but you simply can't
find the time or the courage to get to them? a) Always b)
Occasionally c) Rarely d) Never
Rate your answers: For every a) give yourself 10 points. For
every b) give yourself 7 points. For every c) give yourself 4
points. For every d) give yourself 1 point.
If your score is 60-80, you're probably saying 'Yes' WAY more
often than you want to. Consider getting some coaching on how to
say no from a good friend, life coach or partner. If your score
is 40-60, your ability to say 'No' willingly is spotty ... try
pausing and counting silently to five before you answer. If your
score is 20-40, you've got most situations pretty well in hand.
Try saying 'No' just a little more often and see what happens.
If your score is 0-20, you're doing great! Your ability to
monitor when to say 'Yes' and when to say 'No' is truly
inspiring.