Tom Hanks is filming the movie version of the Da Vinci Code
right now which reveals that ... cover your eyes if you don't
want to know ... Jesus had a wife. This is actually a rather
open historical secret, because at the time of Jesus's life in
Jerusalem Jewish males were wed at age fourteen through arranged
marriages - Jewish females at thirteen. This seems a tad bit
young for modern sensibilities, but you have to recall that the
average human life span back then was thirty, so fourteen was
middle-aged. Everyone had to get married and start popping out
the progeny as soon as nature would allow, otherwise there would
never be enough people to replace all the ones who died off fast
and young. It would have been extremely weird for that day for
Joseph and Mary not to have their oldest boy wed as soon as
Historians also speculate that Jesus's wife was, in fact, Mary
Magdalene, who was not a Harlot but simply from a place called
Migdal. I don't know why on Earth Migdal deserves that sort of
slur, saying that every woman who came from there was a whore.
But whatever the Lord's wife's name really was, I've got to say
that I sure feel sorry for her. It had to have been rough.
Many women have husbands who think they can walk on water, but
you know, poor Mrs. Jesus, her husband could. And I'll bet he
just let he know about it, too. Didn't he? It must have been a
drag for her to have to live with the absolute, perfect husband.
After all, who wants to be around somebody who's right all of
And talk about in-law problems? Mrs. Jesus had a father-in-law
who,when he had a bad day, would go out and destroy the entire
Universe. Well, mostly. I guess he let Noah and some animals
slip by. But he did destroy a lot of cities. My point is that
Mrs. Jesus's father-in-law had some real anger management issues
and was - to say the very least - something ofa control freak.
Then, for the last three years of their marriage her husband
takes offand goes on a long extended road trip with a bunch of
his buds. Who was taking care of their kids? Did Mr. Jesus send
back some money every now and then or was he a holy dead-beat
dad? I'll bet it must have been a relief for his wife, frankly,
to have Jesus out of her hair for a spell. I have to wonder how
thoughtful and dutiful a husband he could have been when he was
so preoccupied all the time with the salvation of all humanity.
You'd have to think that their marriage took a distant second.
Finally, she hears that her husband's been arrested and she has
to go to Jerusalem with bail money.
Come to think of it, I'd rather just believe that Jesus was
single all of his life now that I realize what kind of spouse he
would have been.