Live a Guilt Free LIfe For Healthy Relationships
Guilt is the worst experience known to humans. It ties us up in
knots and makes us feel unworthy and miserable. First let me
explain that It is not a real feeling.
It is caused by thinking that we have done something wrong. We
think we have done something wrong because we judge ourselves or
someone else judges us. A child does not "feel guilty" until
someone tells her that she has offended someone or hurt
someone's so called "feelings."
Psychologically "feeling guilty" is a conditioned response, not
an authentic feeling. In other words, we are taught to feel bad
and thus guilty when someone judges us. This judgment can be
about anything, such as how we dress, how we move, how we think,
what we do.
When the truth is, there is no right way to dress or move or
think or do! The more creative we are, the more ways we can find
to dress, move, think and do! Judgment seriously limits
creativity.
When someone is offended by your behavior, they are making a
judgment against you. They are accusing you of doing something
wrong. The interesting thing is that when a person judges you as
wrong, they are in fact, defending against their own feelings.
This is where knowing a little about energy and psychological
dynamics is very helpful.
What I mean is that when your behavior puts another person in
touch with feelings inside of themselves that they are blocking
and do not want to feel, they become offended. It is the ego
that is offended and it is the ego that wants control.
The ego wants you to do what it wants you to do, so it will do
anything it can do to keep you in control. The way the ego
controls people is to use guilt.
People, cultures and societies over the centuries have used
guilt, shame and blame to control their children. The Jewish
culture is famous for their guilt and indeed they have developed
it to a high art. I was full of guilt myself so the southern
families have obviously used it very successfully as well! Guilt
is used to condition children to behave as expected.
When you "feel guilty," you think that you have done something
wrong and are judging yourself. The result is your energy
becomes totally tied up in knots and pulls you in different
directions at the same time, with no resolution possible.
You have committed a "sin" and you need to be punished. Pretty
awful stuff. So of course being the "good person" that you are,
you punish yourself for being so bad by making yourself
miserable. Guilt is when you are stuck. No matter what you do,
you feel bad. It is a losing battle, an inner conflict where you
lose no matter what you do!
It is easy to see that this no win situation is crazy and guilt
need not guide any decision you make in your life. Never, yes,
never trust guilt! If you have done something you really regret,
apologize and stop doing it, otherwise dispense with guilt. Do
not let guilt ruin your life.
When I hurt someone's feelings, I usually sense it because I
feel bad. I take a deep breath, feel my feelings and go back and
apologize to the person. The last time I did this was in Sweden
with one of my students. I told him what I was feeling so he
could understood what was happening inside of me that made me be
abrupt and insensitive to him.
At first he said it was all right, so I had to apologized three
different times to him before he accepted it. I felt better as
soon as I talked to him, but I didn't feel complete until he
accepted my apology, which meant acknowledging that I had been
insensitive to him. As you can see, taking responsibility for
yourself is very different from guilt.
So how do you get rid of guilt? Become conscious of your
judgments of yourself and stop accepting judgments from yourself
or others. Start attending to your own needs and honor them,
rather than making them wrong. Feel your real feelings and you
will come to know what is best for you rather than what you have
been conditioned to think you should do.
You will find that you have been conditioned to think badly of
yourself for many, many healthy things. The only way to resolve
guilt is to stop making you or others wrong. It is simple. Cease
the judgments that you or anyone else is wrong and then you will
be able to relax and love again.
Be aware that making someone else wrong is the same thing as
making yourself wrong. The psychological law states that how you
relate to others is how you relate to yourself. If you make
someone else wrong, you are making yourself wrong. That is the
reason you feel so miserable.
You will feel relief once you stop making ANYONE wrong.
Forgiveness is really nothing more than giving up your own
judgment about something.
There is no right or wrong, only experiences to learn from. So
get out there and enjoy learning and living and growing. Toss
guilt out. Trust yourself and love yourself. Create the life you
want and the relationships you want. Let not guilt control you.