Building Good Self Esteem
Let's take a good look at self-esteem. First of nearly everyone
wishes they had more self-esteem?.
What tends to happen around self-esteem is that most people
assess themselves through externals and tote up their
self-esteem by how well they've done in comparison to some
impossible measurement in their heads. How did I do on my
appraisal? Do my colleagues like me? Am I getting praised
enough?
Now, there's nothing wrong with looking to externals for
verification and affirmation. We do need the acknowledgement of
others to bolster our sense of self.
However, if self-esteem is based solely on externals and what
others think, then you will continually rely on 'them' to make
you feel good. You'll need an ever-increasing dose of
approbation from others to keep going.
Without a firm foundation of your own view of self worth, your
self-esteem can be knocked back quite quickly and easily. Then
you'll find yourself blaming externals when you feel bad and
play the 'if only' game: "If only such and such had happen (or
hadn't happened) then I'd feel better and things would be OK."
"If only so and so would tell me how I'm doing, then I'd be
fine."
Of course, this means another self-perpetuating cycle: you make
your self-esteem reliant on others which means you give your
'power' away to them. If they don't come up with the goods
(which are usually in your head so the other person doesn't
really know just what the goods they're supposed to come up with
are) then you feel bad and your esteem drops. Your need for
outside affirmation grows and you rely more on externals than
before which gives your power away and undermines your
self-esteem. Get the picture?
So. Have we really got you down now? It's really not as bad as
all that.
To the rescue
Never fear, Impact Factory's here. And we have a few hints and
tips to help you when things feel really rough.
Internal Assessment
The only place to start is with you. As we said, outside
acknowledgement is good. Inside is better. So, here's an
exercise to start the ball rolling. Make a list of all the
qualities and skills you already have. We mean everything. At
the top of the page put 'I' and then your list, such as: have a
warm smile, am a good listener, can ride a bike well, do the
washing up without being nagged, like to help my colleagues, can
be relied upon, am efficient. This needs to be a long, long list.
No negatives; not a one. And notice what your head is doing
through all of this. Am a good listener. Well, sometimes I'm a
good listener, but there are times when I'm really rushed, and
don't have the time I'd like to give to people. Can ride a bike
well. Of course, I'm not an expert. I don't race or anything and
some of my friends join those charity bike-a-thons. I've never
done that.
And so on.
It's really hard to do these lists without those negative
thoughts creeping in. Actually, they don't creep, they storm in;
they shove and push their way in and YELL REALLY LOUDLY to drown
out the positives. You may not be able to shut them up, but it's
interesting; the longer your list is, the quieter those voices
get. Try it; you'll see.
Having made your list, now go to a couple of people you
genuinely trust and ask them what they like about you. Add to
your list. No negatives. No 'needs developing' or 'could do
better' or 'Yes, buts'.
Next make a list of your passions, beliefs and values: things
you feel really strongly about; things that turn you on; beliefs
and values that are important to you. To this list add things
you know you're committed to, like a partner, a house, your
family, some volunteer work, parts of your job, hobbies, etc.
Finally, add things that motivate and inspire you - music you
listen to, walks you take, people you admire, authors you read,
food you relish, etc.
Gather these lists together and look at them, deciding a few
things from each list that sum you up. Then write a Personal
Statement about yourself incorporating the most important bits.
Read your statement out loud. Read it to other people. Read it
each night before you go to bed and first thing when you wake in
the morning: this is who I am.
You need to know and acknowledge those qualities, skills, values
and beliefs that you can rely on and that tell the world who you
are. If you don't acknowledge these, why should anyone else?
Practically Perfect
Something we know is tied up with what gets in the way of having
high self-esteem is perfectionism. You have to get it right; you
have to get it right first time; and you have to be perfect. And
you have to be able to do everything as well. Perfectly.
Sound silly reading it, doesn't it?
At Impact Factory we're of the practically perfect (even
occasionally, the good enough) school of thought. No one can get
it right all the time, first time, every time. Nor should they.
What a tyranny. Unfortunately, it's one of the ways you'll be
able to stock your arsenal of beating up weaponry, because you
didn't get it right. It also is a very good reason to stop
yourself from attempting new things, because you know you won't
be able to get it right and get it perfect.
You can, however, be 'practically' perfect. You can choose what
practically perfect could look like (which isn't perfection by
the way) and aim for that. Doing it that way will make your life
a whole lot easier. You will have less to fret and worry about
and your energy can go into what you can 'borrow' to make
yourself feel better rather than into giving yourself a hard
time about what you aren't able to do.
You can also begin to....
Take your power back
Earlier we talked about the fact that if you measure your esteem
mostly through externals you give your power to others. If your
feelings continuously rely on others' acknowledgement and
affirmation you take a passive role while you wait for them to
give you what you need.
We also said that outside acknowledgement is important, but we
know that people with low self-esteem place an inordinate
significance on what others think. Once again, they remain
passive. Of course, they're incredibly active up in their
brains. They blame others a lot for making them feel bad; they
have long conversations in their heads about what other people
should be saying to them, and making up assumptions about why
they don't; quite simply, they make themselves feel worse.
They also go seek out a 'buddy' to complain to about how bad
other people make them feel or how so and so isn't giving them
any feedback or how they aren't appreciated. And on and on.
You can stop this downward spiral right now if you wanted to.
Step One. Stop complaining to other people. Stop gossiping. Stop
telling someone what's wrong with someone else. Stop moaning
about your fate. You won't be able to do this completely - maybe
the Buddha could, but not us mere mortals. But you can cut down
on your daily dose of dissatisfaction.
Step Two. Let people know your accomplishments. Sometimes other
people don't notice or don't think to comment or may comment in
their heads but the words don't come out of their mouths. If you
wait for them to tell you how brilliant you are, you might have
to wait a long time. So tell them first. Not in a pumped up ego
way; merely bring to their attention stuff that's important to
you.
Step Three. Ask for what you want in terms of feedback. If
you're not getting as much acknowledgement as you want and need,
then go to the person and ask them for it. Ah, we hear you say,
"But then it doesn't mean as much if I have to ask for it." Why
not? Not everyone has you in the front of their brain the way
you have you in yours.
Step Four. Many of you may remember that a few years ago a
non-existent commencement address (not) by Kurt Vonnegut whizzed
around the internet. It was soon discovered that it was a piece
written for the Chicago Tribune by Judith Schmich. Anyway, one
of the pieces of advice she gave was not to read beauty
magazines, they'll just make you feel ugly.
So our fourth step is don't read beauty magazines. In other
words, it's back to the comparisons are odious thing. Don't
voluntarily put yourself into situations where you will just
feel bad about yourself, where you will reinforce the worst bits
about you rather than the good bits. Avoid people who tell you
what you need to fix or improve in order to get better at stuff.
This means you need to see more of the people who think you're
wonderful and give you positive feedback and less of the ones
who think they know you better than you know yourself.
Self-esteem isn't something you can buy (don't we wish), but you
can accumulate it: notice and highlight the best of who you are
in small things every day and your self-esteem will grow. We
guarantee it.