Building Your Child's Self Esteem
It's one of those things that all parents want to provide for
their children and one of those things that many feel they do
not know how to do: raise a self-confident child. Self-esteem
oftentimes seems like a fragile, distant thing that we all know
what it is but don't know how to develop. Your self-esteem is a
compilation of how you feel about yourself. It encompasses
everything from your confidence in relationships, to your body
image, to your work life. So how do you foster this "thing" in
your children?
We teach our children "honesty is the best policy." This
applies to how we deal with our children as much as it does
expecting them to be honest with us. When it comes to your
child's self-esteem, he or she will know or be able to sense if
you are not being honest. For example, if art is not your
child's top skill, don't say that his or her drawing is the best
you've ever seen. Your child will know it's not, and will not
believe you the next time you say something meant to be
positive, no matter how honest it is. Instead, tell your child
something genuine about the piece or the effort. Make
non-judgmental statements such as, "You really used your
imagination in making the flowers many different colors." This
simply states your observation, rather than a false statement.
Also, understand that your child and your child's behavior are
two separate things. This can be very hard to remember,
particularly when your child is acting out in ways that make you
crazy or that are unsafe. However, when you discipline your
child for the behavior rather than the person, you can
positively influence and foster self esteem. Why? If your child
feels that you are mad, because of who he or she is as a person
rather than for the behavior, this can negatively affect your
child's self-esteem. Using "I" statements helps with this. Say
something like, "I don't like it when you leave your toys
scattered all over the floor," which also addresses the
behavior, rather than, "You are a slob," which attacks their
character.
Let your child make some decisions. Children are in a situation
where everyone else is constantly telling them what to do, when
to do it, where to go, and more. When children are allowed to
make some choices, even if it's something small, they learn to
be self-reliant. You don't want your children growing up feeling
dependent on others for direction. Simple choices such as what
to wear (you can offer two or three choices) or choosing a
special lunch item will foster your child's being able to think
independently.
Encourage your children to try new things. While there's
nothing wrong with encouraging your child's talents--this will
help build self-confidence as well--it's also important that
your children learn to experiment. Trying new things helps
everyone overcome fears of the unknown and helps us learn to
deal with success and failure. If a child never learns to try
new things, this can create problems later in life. After all,
most people do not live in world where everything is the same
day after day. Life is constantly changing, whether it's a move
to a new city or starting a new career. If children are
experienced at trying new things, even if small, life's bigger
transitions will be much easier--such as leaving for college and
starting a career.
These are, of course, only a few things you can do to help
develop your child's self-confidence. The important thing to
remember is that it is an ongoing process. The little things do
add up, even if they seem unimportant. This can be helpful to
keep in mind, particularly when something as important as
developing your child's self esteem feels like a monumental
task. It doesn't have to be! Taking time to recognize your child
for the wonderful person he or she is, combined with a few
techniques and consistency will go a long way toward raising a
healthy, confident adult.