Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is So Strong
When you discover that your partner is immersed in infidelity,
you may have a powerful need to know. You want to know the
details. Maybe ALL the details. When? Where? How? How Often?
What was it like? etc.
No. there is nothing wrong with you. In working intimately with
hundreds of people like you, ravaged by an extramarital affair, the need to know is very common.
Here are six reasons why you might want to know.
1. The need for validation. If you tend to be intuitive, that
is, soak in the signals from others around you and try to make
sense of them, you may have this powerful urge to go back and
find out what really happened.
Your partner says, "Yes, I was with him/her on that day." You
think, "Oh yes, I remember having a feeling at that time, an
awful feeling. Now I know what that was about." Or, "I asked you
if you were having an affair and you denied it...or turned it
back on me with your anger. I thought I was going crazy. Now I
know I wasn't.
2. You question your adequacy (and who doesn't when confronted
with marital infidelity) and a part of you wants to heal/change
those thoughts and feelings.
And so, you venture into the comparative game and ask/think:
"What did they do? Was he she better? What was he/she better at?
What didn't I do or give? Where do I get stuck
emotionally/sexually?"
Sexual interaction is a "window to the soul." Be kind to
yourself when you compare. Learn. Often their sexual interaction
leaves a lot to be desired. Know as well that your partner's
inadequacies will shine just as brightly with the OP (other
person) as with you.
3. How bad is it? You want to know what you are up against. What
is the extent of the boundary violation? How deeply embedded is
my partner in this web? Do I throw in the towel? Will it be
possible for me to forgive? How long will this take? How long
will I hang in there?
This question is important for the "I can't say no" and the "I
don't want to say no" types of affairs. Infidelity behaviors
worsen over time with these kinds of affairs. You want to know
where in this process is your partner.
4. I get turned on. Yes, knowing the details for some is
sexually arousing. Frequently, upon confession of the affair for
a couple, there is a discharge of sexual energy.
I hear someone say, "This is weird, but sex for us is better,
more frequent and more intense than it ever has been." Knowing
the details of what happened with the OP may in some cases be
very titillating and stir up hidden fantasies.
5. It's a connection - maybe one of few. There may be a great
deal of distance between you and your spouse. Conversations may
be minimal. The affair, however, is front and center and becomes
a focal point.
You ask questions, probe and want to know because it is perhaps
the only point of connection. Something is better than nothing.
And your spouse may bring up the affair because it meets a need
for drama. This is especially true of someone who "fell out of
love...and just loves being in love."
Or, your spouse may encourage talk about the OP because in some
rather unconscious way s/he carries a load of revenge and wants
to "twist the knife."
6. You want to care for your self. You may have concern about
STDs. You need to know the extent of the behavior and protection
used, if there was sexual activity, for your own physical
well-being.
The need to know is very powerful for some people in the midst
of an affair. Examine carefully your situation and see if any of
the above circumstances fit you.