How to Cope with Criticism: 2. Facing the Critic
Dale Carnegie advised to let criticism run like rain off the
umbrella while we stay dry underneath. Ignoring the critic,
however, may not be the correct thing to do in some situations
because we may need to learn from his criticism. Also, when
ignoring is the path to take, it may not come too easily to some
of us, because taking and giving criticism requires great tact
and tact needs to be learned, as actions need to be trained and
instilled inside behaviors.
In the first article, we looked at the motives of the critic.
Now, let's view the steps we need to take when we face our
critic:
* We need to write down--as detailed and as realistically as we
possibly can--our goals, our actions, and the words we'll use
when we answer our critic. Writing down things presents them to
us in clear and definite terms, since writing is like signing a
contract. When we write things down, we know we are making a
commitment.
* We need to find a support group or at least one person who
will back us up or listen to our woes. A friend or a colleague
who is empathetic to our situation and who can listen patiently
to us when we need to unburden will do wonders for our morale.
* We need to take the situation with a positive mindset. We must
not dread the next time our critic throws his goodies at us, but
rather welcome the opportunity to put our plan and determination
into action. To help do this in an efficient way, we can repeat
some affirmations daily:
1. I stay strong when I am criticized.
2. I remain in control when I am criticized.
3. I welcome criticism.
4. I am able to use criticism to my advantage.
5. I will use the other person's criticism to build up my
personal power.
6. I will use the other person's criticism to build up my
self-esteem.
7. My answers to his words will exude my strength.
* We may choose to neutralize the attack. We may use humor to
ward off the critic's words; or accept the part of the criticism
that may be truthful; or agree with the possibility that the
entire criticism may be correct. We must not give in totally or
promise to act in a different way in the future, until we have
thought out our critic's words at a different time and place.
"I'll think about this seriously," is an adequate answer.
* We may confront the critic. If we feel the critic's motives
are negative and we feel hurt and upset when he hurls his
criticisms at us, we may get ready to ask him why he is acting
this way, not as a victim but from an upper-handed, adult
position. For this, we have to prepare ourselves beforehand.
Pointers for preparation if we decide to confront the critic:
1. We must, above all, stick to the truth. We can state or ask
about the truth of his criticism and ask specific questions on
specific issues.
2. We must resolve not to ask our questions as a counterattack
but to make the other person face his own behavior or the truth
inside his criticism.
3. We must not worry about making a mistake. If a mistake is
made, it may be corrected or there may be a next time when it
may be corrected.
4. We must insist that the critic give exact and solid data and
point to specific facts. We must refuse him any personal attack
or generalizations on us or on anyone else.
5. We must look at our critic directly in the eye and maintain
that eye-contact.
6. We must decide our voice won't waver and become childlike. We
must stick to an unruffled mood and steady, calm voice.
7. We can take our time to answer him back. We do not have to
answer his criticism or what he says immediately.
* We need to believe, truly believe, in success even if our
success may not come easily. There may be setbacks, situations,
and times when we may revert to our old way of feeling when we
are criticized. In those times, we can re-view our goals and
actions, take refuge in others' support, repeat the
affirmations, and keep staying focused.
If we make our mind up to succeed and work at it seriously
enough, we may in time become adept in accepting criticism
without letting it damage our self-esteem. Better yet, we may
also become skilled at giving constructive criticism to others.