Anger Management And Insecurity -- Declare Your Personal
Cease-Fire
Anger management is only part of the answer to controlling rage
and violent behavior, because anger's just a symptom of the
underlying problem. The basic cause of every conflict, from
family arguments to war, is actually not just anger, but
deep-seated insecurity.
People act aggressively because they fear that someone else
will get them first. They become insanely jealous because
they're scared of losing what they love. They bully other people
just to make themselves feel powerful. Nations attack other
nations out of fear of losing influence.
Whenever people act in ways that hurt themselves or others, you
can trace their actions back to some deep-seated insecurity.
Experiencing insecurity, at some time and at some level, is just
part of being human. In its proper place, it's for our own
protection -- if we had no sense at all that something
unexpected or unpleasant just might happen, we'd walk straight
into every kind of danger, every time. The reason why we check
the traffic before we step into the road is that we know a car
might hit us if we didn't.
Unfortunately, many people live in a constant state of
heightened insecurity, where the slightest thing can drive them
into uncontrollable anxiety, jealousy, rage or hatred.
These feelings trigger a surge of adrenalin, which can provoke a
rush of anger or bravado, or some other form of aggressive or
even violent behavior. If it's not released it stays within the
person's system, causing stress and flooding the mind and body
with harmful chemicals which do yet more damage to both
emotional and physical well-being.
If you recognise these feelings in yourself, take heart. They
can be beaten.
First of all, relax deeply. Close your eyes, clear your mind,
and feel a sensation of warmth and relaxation flowing from the
top of your head to the soles of your feet.
Now, make a firm commitment to yourself to be the best you can
at being you. Don't worry about the competition -- there
isn't any. You are someone no-one else can ever be.
Next, think of someone whose behavior makes you feel
uncomfortable or insecure, angry or frustrated. Picture that
person as strongly as you can. Forget the differences between
you, and remember only what you have in common.
Maybe you do the same job, or live in the same neighborhood.
Perhaps you both have kids, and want to do what's best for them.
Maybe you're both ambitious, good to your parents, love music or
like gardening. Whether the common ground is great or small,
dwell on it, and look around for more.
If you can't think of one single thing you have in common,
remember you're both human. You each have a heart that beats, a
mind to think and feel with, blood that flows around your body,
a need to love and be loved, hopes and dreams that can empower
you to do great things... and the power to change the world
around you.
Perhaps you've heard the story from the First World War, when
the opposing soldiers stopped the fighting to sing Christmas
carols. Afterwards they scrambled from their trenches to meet
each other in the no-man's-land between. They shared their
chocolate and tobacco, and showed each other pictures of their
loved ones... and they realised that their enemies were just
like them. There simply wasn't any need to fight.
If soldiers fighting for their lives could do it, you
can. Think of ways of brokering your personal cease-fire. If you
meet that person in the street tomorrow, maybe you could smile
and say "Good Morning".
Maybe you could ask about their family, or congratulate them on
a good piece of work, or comment on the weather, or what's going
on in some sport you both have interest in. If you can do that
person some small kindness, go ahead -- and if a favor's offered
in return, accept it.
It doesn't need to be a very close relationship -- just let go
the automatic expectation they'll do something hurtful, focus on
respecting both the other person and yourself, replace
the spirit of hostility with the principle of kindliness... and
keep on doing it.
The atmosphere of trust you build will help to heal the other
person's insecurity -- and any you have, too. You'll find a
greater confidence in everthing you do. Because you've changed
things for the better, you'll feel greater self-reliance and
empowerment -- and there's another spin-off, too.
If every person would just work to heal relationships and
insecurities, the world could find a true and lasting peace.
That starts, or ends, with every one of us.
Will you play your part, by letting go your insecurites
and declaring your cease-fire with the world -- and, if so, will
you do it now?