Self-Esteem Boost -- Taking Back The Matches
Self-esteem's as necessary to your happiness as breathing is to
physical survival, but sometimes it can use a boost. Often,
that's because someone close to you has unintentionally damaged
it.
Recently there was a fire which burned down a house. Unknown to
their parents, one of the children had found a box of matches.
Fascinated by the sparks and the exciting sound they made when
they scratched them along the side of the box, the children had
struck match after match... till one fell on the carpet, still
alight.
The children didn't have a notion of the danger they were in, or
the damage they might do. They lit the matches for one reason
only -- because the temptation to make use of the power that had
inappropriately come into their hands was irresistible.
Well, it isn't only children who do that. In fact, if someone in
your life is making it a misery, it's a pretty fair bet
that he, or she, just can't resist the temptation to use the
power over your feelings, and therefore your behavior, that you
yourself have given them.
We do it for the best of reasons. If you love someone, for
example, of course you want to please them -- but if you can
only like yourself if they approve of everything you say or do,
that's an awful lot of power to give anyone, and more than most
of us can safely handle.
There may be certain things you have to do to please a boss, or
teacher, colleagues, partner, family members or companions --
but, again, you can't let their approval be the only thing that
makes you feel you're a good person. If you do, no matter how
grown-up they are, you'll turn them into spoilt, demanding
children -- and the box of matches that they're playing with is
you.
If there's someone in your life who seems to be impossible to
please, here's what you can do about it.
1. Remember that it's your life. No-one owns you. It's
right to do the best you can for other people, but not to feel
and act as if you're helpless. You have needs and
choices, too - and you're the only one responsible for how much
happiness (or otherwise!) you get from life.
2. Ask yourself exactly who has got you on the run, and what
they do that's making you feel bad.
3. Make a list, just for yourself, of any valid
criticisms they may have about you, and what you plan to do to
put those right. Be absolutely honest here - even the most
awkward person in the world might have a valid point
occasionally, and in undertaking to improve yourself where
necessary you begin to take control.
4. Now picture each person who's been making you uncomfortable.
Accept that, although you haven't previously realised it, you
yourself have granted them the power to wound your feelings
deeply. Their approval has become so essential to you that
you've put your self-esteem into their hands... and like the
children with the box of matches, the temptation to use that
power has proved irresistible.
Now all you have to is just -- take back the matches! In your
mind, see each of those people with a box of matches in their
hands -- a big, bright-coloured box, with "Self-Esteem" written
on the front and back of it. Hear yourself speaking to each
person in your own words, and pleasantly, but firmly, ask them
for the matches back.
You might say something like, "I love you" (or "like you", or
"respect you", depending on the relationship involved) "very
much, but I need my self-esteem back so that I can love" (or
"like" or "respect") "myself as well, and make this whole
relationship work better."
Next, in your mind, reach out and take the box of matches from
them, with a smile -- if it's someone you love, you might want
to add a kiss, for good measure. Now see yourself being in that
person's company quite calmly, and that person looking at you
with respect and admiration.
Use this technique as many times as you like until you find that
you can deal with people easily and comfortably, and you no
longer react so strongly and so painfully to what they say or
do.
As long as you are really working on removing any reasonable
causes for annoyance they might have with you, you should find
that their behavior will start to change.
There are very few people who will ever take you at any higher
valuation than they see you placing on yourself -- but most will
also recognise when that valuation rises, and will see the need
to treat you more respectfully.
The best use for your mind's internal box of matches is to let
your own light shine.